How should I handle this wedding issue

[Kbroughton]

I am getting married next year and we are sending save the date cards. My cousin had an emotional/sexting affair with my ex husband. It didnt last long and I blame him far more than her, but still, she never apologised. I have three cousins who I get on well with and want to invite. My Mum says that that will cause issues with her and her sisters, and make everything awkward and has asked I either invite all the cousins or none of them. I really don't want sex messaging cousin to come, I didnt like her much before this issue (she was always really condescending towards me) but I don't see why her poor behaviour should mean my other cousins don't come. But equally don't want to upset my Mum or cause problems. What to do.

Obviously don't invite her.

Your mum needs to get over herself. It's your wedding and you have a VERY good reason not to invite this woman. Your mum should have your back. Surely no one could expect you to invite this bitch.

Your wedding so nothing to do with your mum. Sounds like she is worrying more about what other people think than your own feelings. She might be upset but she should be able to understand your stance and get over it.
Please don’t do anything that will spoil your enjoyment of your special day

Invite nice cousins, don't invite sexting cousin, that's it!

100% invite the cousins you want to - if your mum can't see why you wouldn't want to invite the sexting cousin then she needs to take a step back and reevaluate what's more important, your happiness on your wedding day or some random cousins feelings.

Invite the others and exclude her. If she asks why I’d tell her she clearly can’t be trusted around your partners

Your Mum needs to get on the loyalty train

Luckily it's not your mum's wedding so she doesn't get to say. Totally reasonable not to want sexty cousin there. Stand your ground. It's your day.

Also nothing worse than wasting money paying for attendee who doesn't want to be there but goes as they feel obligated. Honestly, you'll be doing you both a favour.

Of course you can invite the others and not her.

Your Mum is being massively unreasonable!

I would send:

”Mum, you are being hugely upsetting and unfair in asking me to moderate the people I want at MY wedding because of other people’s poor choices. Any awkwardness between you and your sisters is caused solely by Maude & Gerry’s actions in having the affair, not in me choosing to move on with my life. In any case your first loyalty should be to me as your daughter. Please don’t raise this with me again.”

Thanks everyone. I know it's obvious but I have been a little hurt by how my Mum hasn't really supported me over this and wanted to know I wasn't being a baby. She should have my back!

Your wedding your guest list, none of your mums business!

Your mother is putting your cousin ahead of you and your feelings. Your cousin was under no obligation to reply to your ex so she is equally culpable. She never apologised yet you are expected to ignore her previous behaviour. Your mother and anyone else who raises the lack of an invite needs to be reminded of her conduct with your ex and her lack of apology or explanation. Actions have consequences.

If you're paying its up to you.

I would absolutely not be inviting that cousin or excluding my other cousins.

Your cousin has caused the issue and if she apologised sincerely I might move on but definitely not without an apology. And if she apologises now to attend family celebration it wouldn't be enough.

Surely shady cousin will know exactly why she's not invited so can't really argue with being left out.

Her siblings may find it awkward but that's not your fault and they can choose whether to come or not.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

No way would she be getting an invite but I always think in these situations would the sext cousin honestly be expecting an invite? She knows what she did. Cheeky mare.

And the response MolluscMonday gave is perfect - Mum needs to check herself x

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to decide your own guest list. I wouldn't invite the sexting cousin, only the nice ones. I'd be prepared to explain her exclusion to anyone who enquired as well.

Does anyone else in your family, other than you and your Mum know about your cousin and your ex-husband? If your extended family are aware, then your cousin not being invited to your wedding, shouldn't come as much of a surprise. However, if no one else is aware, then I wouldn't invite your cousin, and see if anyone queries it? The cousin not being invited is hardly going to cause a fuss if her own parents and siblings aren't aware. She won't want people knowing her little secret! Yes, it's possible your Mum's siblings could ask you or her why. In which case you should answer honestly, as should your Mum! You have nothing to be ashamed about, unlike your cousin!

I'm going to take the opposite view and say be the bigger person and invite her.

It doesn't change how wrong she was (and may even make her feel worse) and it causes you less stress than the fallout from not doing so.

You don't even have to have anything to do with her on the day.

You tell your mum that her loyalty to you should come over and above any feelings of awkwardness she may have with her siblings and that if the mother of said skanky cousin could get over her own awkwardness with your mum, then you’re sure that your mum will be able to do likewise with her sister.

Obs the cousin should come. Sorry your Mum is being shit

Ignore you mum, it's not her wedding.

Invite the cousins who managed not to send sex messages to the man you were married to.

Your mother is being ridiculous. Invite those you wish to invite and not the one who behaved inappropriately with your ex husband. If they decide not to come that's up to them but you can't be expected to invite the dodgy one. She's not even apologised.

Yes she bloody should OP!