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Original poster

My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

624 replies

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
susiedaisy1912 · 24/02/2025 09:30

Wow op I could not forgive him for deceiving you for all these years. He has been stringing you along using your good nature and love for him to keep you waiting for something that's never going to happen. Give yourself some time to think about what to do next.

Iamnotalemming · 24/02/2025 09:30

This must be very difficult to process. Some counselling may be helpful for you. Either to come to terms with a childless marriage and a husband who has not felt able to be honest with you, or a split. You may meet a new partner quickly but it will put a lot of pressure on you and any new relationship to want to conceive v quickly. You can do it alone but it is not for the faint hearted.

To keep your options open you could look into fertility clinics on your area and have some basic tests. And maybe even egg retrieval.

Also, having one child, particularly if you never thought you would have any, is a joy and a privilege, and being dismissive of that is insensitive and ignorant.

A life without children can also be full of love and meaning, and joy. Don't dismiss that either.

I wish you all the best.

Patterncarmen · 24/02/2025 09:40

LavenderFields7 · 23/02/2025 23:12

Both parents need to want kids 1000%. He is not interested. You are going to have to chose whether you want him, or kids.

Yes, pretty much. My DH and I decided before we were married we didn’t want kids. You have to agree on major things like this.

Your DH is figuring by 40 you can’t conceive very easily, and you’ll give up on the idea, and he will get what he wants.

This happened to a friend of mine. her husband strung her along until she was about 45. Her husband when he was 50 had an affair, got his much younger girlfriend pregnant, divorced my friend, and when on to have another child. My friend is on her own (she did get maintenance at least), but he got his family. It was just so very unfair for her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
Swanderer · 24/02/2025 09:40

Why have you waited for so long? Surely you know how fertility decreases as you age? He’s been pawning you off, and you’ve been going along with it for some mad reason.

If you want children, leave him and find someone else.

However, be prepared to split and learn that a year later he’s engaged to someone else with a baby on the way. I’ve seen it happen so many times.

Patterncarmen · 24/02/2025 09:42

Iamnotalemming · 24/02/2025 09:30

This must be very difficult to process. Some counselling may be helpful for you. Either to come to terms with a childless marriage and a husband who has not felt able to be honest with you, or a split. You may meet a new partner quickly but it will put a lot of pressure on you and any new relationship to want to conceive v quickly. You can do it alone but it is not for the faint hearted.

To keep your options open you could look into fertility clinics on your area and have some basic tests. And maybe even egg retrieval.

Also, having one child, particularly if you never thought you would have any, is a joy and a privilege, and being dismissive of that is insensitive and ignorant.

A life without children can also be full of love and meaning, and joy. Don't dismiss that either.

I wish you all the best.

Yes. OP also can divorce, and have IVF and raise the child herself if she has some money for help from a nanny. And life without children can be rather wonderful too. I don’t regret choosing not to parent.

Ceramiq · 24/02/2025 09:43

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

At this point you should stop contraception and try to get pregnant. If your DH doesn't like this you can get divorced. He has been stringing you along on false pretences for years and doesn't deserve consideration.

HardenYourHeart · 24/02/2025 09:43

I don't think OP will be back

JustMyView13 · 24/02/2025 09:45

I think for me, it’s not the ‘not wanting children’ piece that would bother me. Because I am a firm believer that if I’m truly happy now then I wouldn’t throw that away for a child that might never be.

HOWEVER, it’s the lying that would be the deal breaker for me. Clearly you’ve made it known how important this is to you (which is very much ok), and he’s almost trapped you until it’s too late (which is very much not ok). He’s only saying wait until you’re 40 because statistically he knows it’s far less likely to happen than without some serious commitment to the cause.

Personally I’d be coming off contraception, sorting out my fuck off fund, and starting the wheels in motion to have a child solo. If you fall pregnant as you wish, great, if not, make arrangements for solo IVF.
If you fall pregnant naturally, operate on the basis you’ll be a single mum and anything else is a bonus.

Fraggeek · 24/02/2025 09:45

I'm sorry op but he's saying 3 years because he took knows full well the chances of conceiving naturally are lessened. His hope is he gets to stay with you and having a child is taken away from you naturally rather than it being his decision.

Hdjdb42 · 24/02/2025 09:50

This happened to my colleague. He made her wait 7 years with his, "I'm not ready, maybe next year!" She stupidly believed him until she entered the peri menopause at age 40. She gave him an ultimation kids or separate, he chose separation. She cried so much as she wasted 7 years waiting for him to be ready, when it was a lie all along. She ended up going through 3 counts of IVF, which failed due to her (older) eggs. She's very bitter about it all as it's too late for her now. But it's not too late for you to leave and start again.

SequoiaTree · 24/02/2025 09:51

Patterncarmen · 24/02/2025 09:40

Yes, pretty much. My DH and I decided before we were married we didn’t want kids. You have to agree on major things like this.

Your DH is figuring by 40 you can’t conceive very easily, and you’ll give up on the idea, and he will get what he wants.

This happened to a friend of mine. her husband strung her along until she was about 45. Her husband when he was 50 had an affair, got his much younger girlfriend pregnant, divorced my friend, and when on to have another child. My friend is on her own (she did get maintenance at least), but he got his family. It was just so very unfair for her.

Show quote history

I read that men do that because they don't really want kids and think they can get away with it with their similar age wife, but then when they meet a younger woman they think that they're not really equal to her and to be good enough to keep her they need to bring more to the table and agree to have kids.

bookworm14 · 24/02/2025 09:52

OP hasn’t come back. I suspect we’ve all fallen for a ‘wind them up and watch them go’ merchant.

SequoiaTree · 24/02/2025 09:55

bookworm14 · 24/02/2025 09:52

OP hasn’t come back. I suspect we’ve all fallen for a ‘wind them up and watch them go’ merchant.

Maybe. She said she was crying all day and wouldn't be able to sleep, so possibly too upset to post.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 24/02/2025 09:55

DarkForces · 24/02/2025 07:50

Lots of people can fuck off then. Be happy with the children you have if you wanted to have them but fuck off with your sadness nonsense at having an only child.

Show quote history

I just can't imagine being without my sister, and when our parents became ill and died, having her was a godsend. They're gone now and she's the only other person who remembers our whole lives. She's such a connection to my past and to our parents, and is the only other person who gets it. Plus she has given me two wonderful nieces and a nephew. My life would be so much the poorer without her. The thought of her never having been born is incredibly sad to me. I know circumstances conspire so that many people can't have more than one. However, worse things happen at sea, and it's not true about only children being spoiled or selfish. My mother was an only and she was the most giving, most selfless person I've ever met. I have no relatives on her side - I wish so much that I had aunts/uncles and cousins from her side. She died quite young and I wish I had a sibling of hers. When I think how I have no family on her side, and how lost I'd be without my sister, I do find the only-child scenario extremely sad. But that's just my experience. YMMV.

AlexandrinaH · 24/02/2025 09:56

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

On behalf of all those with only one child (and for me, through infertility)…thanks a fucking lot.

Busybeemumm · 24/02/2025 09:59

I was with a previous partner age when we were both 25. He said he didn't want kids. Fair enough and glad he said it. We broke up and we went on to meet new partners. 10 years later I found out he had kids. Realized then that it was ME he didn't want kids with rather than he didn't want kids at all. I bet in a few years when OP will be unable to have any kids at all (let alone one) he will find himself someone younger and have his family.

OP- with your feelings around having one child, maybe you should also re consider if having children is right for you. The reality is that at your age you may only be able to have one and that's if you ttc from today.

AlexandrinaH · 24/02/2025 09:59

TheaBrandt1 · 23/02/2025 23:03

What will be any different for him in 3 years?

She’ll be 40…and when conception becomes more unlikely.

Clever guy.

Ottersmith · 24/02/2025 10:02

He has been wasting your time. You have to leave him. Don't even wait until the end of the week. I understand what you say about not wanting one. I had my first at the same age as you and am struggling to conceive my second. This is because I was with a fuckwit who basically wasted my 30s.

Leave him and get yourself down to the sperm bank as quick as possible. If he changes his mind and realises his decisions have led to there being zero love in his life, he can grovel back to you and help you raise your sperm donor baby.

QueSyrahSyrah · 24/02/2025 10:03

@ThisFluentBiscuit One of my friends went through 5 unsuccessful rounds of IVF before having to accept that she'd never have children (and then watching her Husband leave and have children with someone else). Try telling her that having one would be just as sad as having none. SMH.

You may be sad at the thought of not having your Sister but you can't miss what you never had and plenty of siblings do not grow up to be close (indeed another friend would be significantly better off in various ways without her financial and emotional sinkhole of a Brother relying solely on her now their parents have passed away).

AlexandrinaH · 24/02/2025 10:03

I think imagining you’re going to have three kids and you’ve not even started trying at 37 is wholly unrealistic.

If this was so important to you, why have you let it slide for 14 years? That’s crazy. I knew I wanted a child and letting my husband put it off (he did put it off) until I was 30 was my absolute limit. I didn’t have a child until I was 34 because I needed IVF. You may think conceiving three children is going to be easy because you’re under 40, but the truth can be quite the opposite.

ThatMerryReader · 24/02/2025 10:04

OP, this is a tough one. It is totally understandable you feel so broken at the moment given how much you desire to have a child.
However, people are entitled to change their mind about something over time. People are accusing your husband of lying. I would not go that far. I know many people that have changed their mind about having children after having witnessed in other couples how hard it is. This could very well be the case of your husband. You may want to find out from him the reason why he has changed his mind. Maybe there is some way to put to sleep whatever worries he is having at the moment.
At any rate, if he is dead set on not having children, then I am sorry to tell you only have two options: either accept it, or dump him and look for somebody else instead.

Kitchensinktoday · 24/02/2025 10:04

OP, the fertile time of yours that he has wasted is criminal.

This. I'm so sorry, OP

JoM8 · 24/02/2025 10:05

Even if he agreed to start trying tonight, I'm not sure I'd want the relationship to continue after his revelation in front of your friends. What a total coward and shithouse!

I just couldn't respect or want to coparent with someone who strung me along for fourteen(!) years while my fertility declined to the point where I'm just three years away from being 40. That's not the way to treat the woman you love. He knew how much you wanted DC; the kind would have been to tell you a few years ago to give you time to actually meet someone who's father material which can be pretty bloody timeconsuming.

It all depends if you can forgive this OP if it's still something you want to do with him but I can't imagine him suddenly becoming a selfless coparent if he's this selfish as a spouse.

So sorry.

80smonster · 24/02/2025 10:09

You can’t have kids for someone else. However he should not have deceived you. Very hard to offer advice, personally I think having children is very over-rated, but obviously different people have varying feelings about this.

JoM8 · 24/02/2025 10:09

ThatMerryReader · 24/02/2025 10:04

OP, this is a tough one. It is totally understandable you feel so broken at the moment given how much you desire to have a child.
However, people are entitled to change their mind about something over time. People are accusing your husband of lying. I would not go that far. I know many people that have changed their mind about having children after having witnessed in other couples how hard it is. This could very well be the case of your husband. You may want to find out from him the reason why he has changed his mind. Maybe there is some way to put to sleep whatever worries he is having at the moment.
At any rate, if he is dead set on not having children, then I am sorry to tell you only have two options: either accept it, or dump him and look for somebody else instead.

But bloody say when she is, say, 33 at the latest to give her time to find someone who is suitable to raise children with and actually wants to. Even thsts arguably/potentially cutting it fine if she doesn't meet someone for a couple of years then they're not ready for a family for a while longer.