My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

To me this is one of those things, that amounts to a betrayal of trust. You made it plain from the start you wanted children, and he didn't tell you he wasn't interested in having children. You were together 6 years before you married, still no mention of not wanting children and even after you married, excuses of 'not being ready' for children. In my mind he's strung you along for 14 years, whilst knowing he didn't want children. I understand if you're young, not wanting children straight away but this isn't a case of him 'not being ready', 14 years later!! You know if you want children or not by the time you reach 30, if not before. To still be in 'limbo' at 39 is plain ridiculous. I would be utterly devastated, heartbroken and fucking furious. At 37, it's not impossible to fall pregnant but each year that goes by your fertility rate drops even further. You don't have time to wait 3 more bloody years, waiting on empty words that come to bugger all. If you want children, he either comes on board or you need to divorce and find someone else. No one is forcing him to have a child he doesn't want, but if he doesn't want children, he needs to be honest and let you find someone else. He's been a selfish selfish man, for stringing you along all these years.

Hope you're ok OP.

Going all in blaming DH while casting OP as helpless victim doesn't help.

OP has allowed herself to be strung along for all these years. She always wanted 3 children, she's 39 now, when did she imagine she was going to start?

Taking responsibility for this will give OP the impetus and agency to reassess and act now in her own interests.

Hopefully also with some thought as to what might be best for any potential future children.

I have known a couple kf friends this happened to, it is so horrible of him to have strung you along like that. I couldn't forgive him for that. I think you should just leave immediately, he has lied to your face for 14 years. The quicker you leave, the quicker you can move on and find someone who also wants childten or have one by yourself. You have a short window now to move on and either meet someone or have children.
As a side note, when I met my husband he was 40 and I was 30, he wanted children and didnt want to wait too late and told me straight away, I came off the pill within a year of meeting and it took a year to conceave. We didn't wait for marriage and just went for it. I knew he was a decent person, who wanted children and I loved him so why bother waiting until it was too late. Sometimes you have to take a chance and dive in. Tbh if I was you I would have come off the pill years ago as he had said he wanted children. But i could not forgive the 14 years of lying

By the way, thisonly having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at allIs just not the case (and is actually pretty offensive) but if you do have a child you'll find out how glorious it is even with 'just' one. Not everyone gets to have a child so you need to move decisively now. Wishing you all the best.
Yep super offensive

What a cruel man you married. He had no intention of children. You must find another way to have them and then leave him, because he does not want to be a father. I feel for you but engage in this delusion no more. You could live another 40 years with this man and what he has done will eat you alive. If you don't hate him now, you soon will.

I disagree - a woman has a right to give an ultimatum as much as a man has - either they can say yes or no, simple. Yes it is pressure, its a big decision but I would be heartbroken if I didn't have a child because my husband wasn't sure. Women don't have the 'luxury' of waiting unfortunately. Crack on or move on. I would've hated to never have had a child due to someone else's indecision.. but that's me and my opinion, which is what this forum invites. I have too many friends who regret not having children and leaving it too late.. ie. my sister.

Yes he's been dishonest, but it also sounds like you've allowed yourself to be strung along. It's like a mutual deception.

You're 37 years old. If you want 3 kids you should have taken action a long time ago.

It's time to seriously evaluate your relationship and what's most important to you. This man has led you on and lied to you for years. Do you want children or do you want to stay with him? That's the question that it boils down to.
I'm sorry to be blunt but you've wasted 14 years of your fertility, your most fertile years. How did you not question this before? After 35 it certainly gets harder to conceive, with even more challenges after 40. If it were me, I would be making plans to start a solo parenting journey. Even if he were the perfect man I couldn't just forget having children. But the reality is he's far from perfect, he's stolen years from you and really ruined things for you. I couldn't forgive that.

I’m with most of the PPs here - he KNEW he likely didn’t want children when he married you. My DSis got stung by a man like this and at 39 realised her chances of meeting someone and having children of her own were likely over. She is an almost step mother of adult children now, so has completely missed out, although she has a lovely new partner.

I’m afraid it would be an ultimatum from me at this point because, if you can save for IVF or meet someone pronto though an app, there is still time to have 1-2 children if you start now (I happen to have 3 friends who have 2 children in their early to mid 40s, so it is doable, but it will be a hell of a lot more knackering than had you had the chance to do it 10 years ago with a willing partner).

For me the lying the betrayal would make it difficult to come back from. In your shoes, if he really doesn’t want them then he gets out… and no, YOU don’t leave. He does. He’s the liar.

But having kids with someone who doesn’t want them is a recipe for disaster, so if it is clear after an ultimatum chat that he would be acquiescing and likely will make no effort with any children you have or might eventually leave, you are best getting shot of him now. And I mean now. This week. Get him out, see a GP about fertility referrals and start investigating now.

I was with you OP until you said one child is as bad as having non. As someone who is a year younger than you with a 5 year old and no sign of a second child (we're at our cut off age) I strongly disagree it took us nearly 3 years to conceive her.

I know I'm extremely lucky to have our daughter as many people struggle and have non!

You have been with this man for 14 years and he has been stringing you along for 8 of those.
If you were desperate to have 3 surely these conversations would have come up long before now!

It's obvious now he doesn't want children and you do. So it's ultimatum time...ttc now or you go!

You need to leave him today

You’ve been together since you were 23 and it’s only now become an issue? Surely you’ve heard your biological clock tickling this last decade! I have every sympathy for people who’ve not met the right partner while they are young but you must have realised you were leaving it till the last hour.
It seems your DH doesn’t want children, so you need to leave if its a deal breaker for you. A partner whose not on board will be damaging to the child as well as your relationship.

And don’t be so dismissive of an only child - I know lots of blissfully happy one child families and miserable overstretched multi kid families.
As a comedian whose name escapes me said ‘we wanted three, and now we've got two we only want one!’

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

This is insulting to not only those of us who are an only child - we're not less of a person because we don't have siblings. Or those who could only have/only wanted one child, or those who've suffered fertility, miscarriage and baby loss. Having a child is a blessing, if you are lucky enough to have more than one, then that's just as much of a blessing. Children are not a given right, and not everyone is blessed with children for whatever reason. I absolutely appreciate you are upset, and experiencing a lot of emotions but a child right now would be a blessing. Would you then complain because you couldn't have more and make your child feel inadequate? You only have to see on MN that not all siblings get on, a sibling doesn't automatically equate to a harmonious and loving relationship.

Also, just to add, having kids is hard! You may have the idea of a large family etc but it’s not all running through meadows and tinkly laughter. So you and your DH need to be on the same page to some extent at least so you can support each other and navigate parenthood together. I hope things work out for you. Best wishes.

I’ll come back to the ‘one child being sad’ part of your op. Many have covered it but I think it needs explaining why you’re crossing the line and quite possibly unrealistic in this.

What he has done is cruel. He has shown deception over an issue that lays at the base of most marriages. Either you’re in for having kids or you’re not, by 14 years and near middle age he has obviously long made up his mind. It’s enough reason to separate even if you don’t have children going forward, it’s absolutely a betrayal.

At 37 the likelihood of having 3 children in the future is minimal. Plenty on here will talk about having babies into late 40s but online forums will always show the exception rather than the rule. I’m a similar age and I’m already peri, my cycles are currently in the ‘overcharging’ mode and without the pill I menstruate every two weeks - there is very little chance that I’d get or stay pregnant (but I already know I’m prone to MC).

One child is not a sad existence, I know a few couples who had one in their 20s and decided that was enough - the children are thriving and happy, the parents seems far less stressed out than I do with my lot! I also know a woman who had her only at 38, would have liked more but also became peri and it never happened. That’s the facts of female biology unfortunately.

Long story short, I’m genuinely sympathetic at this man having shit on you from a great height. But you may have a chance at having a child, you also have to understand the reality of your situation and decide quickly what you actually want going forward.

With who though? Not the man who has strung her along for years. Unless she goes down the private donor route.

He has knowingly robbed you of your most fertile years and strung you along. I couldn’t forgive it. Break up now and make plans to have children on your own.

I was with you until your one child comment. At this rate you would be lucky to have one and with every day that passes you are more and more likely to have non let alone one. You and your DH are not on the same page and the fact this hasn't been crystalized between you until now speaks volumes of your relationship. Go it alone OP and find someone else or try the donor route. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I think I'd have gone along with "we'll wait till next year" once after the honeymoon but got suspicious after that. He's been lying to you for years. I hope you get to have your longed for children.