My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

There’s no point freezing eggs over 34/35. The quality is usually poor and chances of conception with frozen eggs (as opposed to embryos) are slim to none.

OP, please ignore this kind of flippant advice. Do you really want to bring to the world a child out of a deceptive manoeuvre? The truth will come out eventually in due course and it will backfire in the ugliest way you can think of.
Don't!
If push comes to shove, divorce the man and seek a partner who shares your values and desires

I have great sympathy with OP.

But that statement ‘having one is as bad as none at all’ hit me in the stomach as a mum of one

You don't deserve children if you think having one child is as sad as having none.

What a shocking attitude, and very offensive.

There are many women who can't have children at all, or struggle to conceive a second. Have a very strong word with yourself.

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all

Well I’m an only child (through parent circumstance rather than choice) and I’m not sad, I’m more than happy having had no siblings - so happy in fact that I chose to have just one. My DD is 10 and I’m confident shes happy. Because I was always happy being an only child, I never considered that anyone might not be. It’s only since having DD and hearing comments like the OPs above, that it even crossed my mind that being an only child could be a negative thing in the mind of some.
I was very lucky to conceive quickly, pregnancy and birth were both fine, I was fine afterwards, baby was fine, so nothing that should worry me to ever have another. I’m 41 now so there was plenty of opportunity to try for another, but I never wanted to. I always thought I just wanted one, and now I’ve got just one I’m more than happy with that, and hope for my DDs sake that she feels the same as I always have about being only child.

Absolutely 100% agree with this.

I had only two viable embryos at 33, and one became my daughter, like yourself. My chances of it working were 15%.

So many posters on here are so naive about the outcomes of IVF and egg freezing.

Your view on one child being just as "sad as no children at all" is really, really, really fucking offensive.

Do better.

It's not flippant advice. The OP doesn't have much time left.

For all the people saying the OP is out of time, a little bit of hope. I was single on my 40th birthday having sadly given up on having kids. I met my current partner a few months later and am now pregnant at 41. Yes, faster than most people would like and I'm sure we've been very lucky, but I know other people on a similar timeline; it does happen. My first step would be to do a fertility blood test to get a rough idea of what the reality is as it's different for everyone. As many have said, you need to have a very honest conversation with your husband and potentially an ultimatum.

Goodness me. He's trying to run down the clock on your fertility.

Any decent man with a woman he loves who wants a child with her knows that once we're into our thirties, time is of the essence. You don't just wait around and see how you feel in a few years. It's sht or get off the pot time. And he won't do either.

You absolutely have to leave OP. You probably have a much better chance of having a child by leaving and starting afresh than you do remaining with him.

ETA: also a mum of one, that one has brought me more joy and amazement than I even know what to do with. I don't take OP's statement to heart. Maybe she's fallen victim to the old only child lonely child myth, or has amazing siblings and doesn't want a solo child to not experience her idea of sibling life. Who knows. It's very silly but also something I can imagine a naive childless person who desperately wants kids would say, when they're quite worried they might never even have the chance to have a child at all.

OP, it is crunch time for you now and if you definitely want DC over DH then you do need to leave now and look for somebody else, or have a child on your own.

I know somebody whose DDH announced in the year that she turned 40 that she could have a child. She had 3 miscarriages and 15 years on, is still with him, but childless. She did marry him knowing he didn't want DC, but I will never forgive him for doing that to her.

I married XH knowing that we might not have DC, we both had medical issues, but I was lucky enough to get pregnant at 36.

I had 1 DC due to medical advice. One is not "as sad as none". One is a blessing.

Don't let him string you along any more. You need to have an honest conversation with him and you either start trying now, or you leave.

You can’t be a donor after 35.

Just to be clear, when you said OP should stop contraception, you meant after having agreed it with her husband, right ? If that is the case, yes, I am with you.
I had the impression that you were referring to taking that decision singlehandedly and without informing him.

Yes one is as much a blessing as much as more than one is. The poster who wrote that only one is worse than none has lost the plot.

I hope OP LTB and is able to have a DC.

Sure, I said that if the DH doesn't agree they can divorce.

Divorce
Fertility clinic, donor sperm
immediately

that’s all there is to it if kids is your # 1 priority

hes been lying to you for 14yrs

hes nearly exhausted all your fertile years

I went through premature menopause at 39 - no warning, nothing

I think it's more nuanced than that - the OP's biological clock has clearly recently started ticking loudly, but she is in her late 30s and has happily been in a long marriage without feeling the need to TTC until now. If she hadn't overheard the conversation between her DH and his friend, she probably would have continued with the status quo and may have drifted into her 40s without taking any action for the 3 children she says she wants. She was cutting it fine for having children as it was and the husband may have (mistakenly) got the impression she was actually fine being child-free.

Didn't OP say something like they had the same convo every year and he kept saying "Maybe next year"?

I divorced at 28 when my husband dropped this bombshell on me, but I had time. I think your choice is starker, does your wanting to have a baby overrule your wanting to have a baby in this relationship, as sadly you might have to do it alone.

Good on him.
Children destroy marriages. (Observed, child free, happily married).
Before I get shot, I advise you to divorce and go it alone, if a kid is your priority.
And I mean, you should have started yesterday.
Forget about him, let him live his free life.

So glad IVF also worked for you too - but it’s so not an easy fix.

I’m very passionate about informing women about the reality of fertility and assisted reproduction. I’ve had so many women tell me breezily in passing ‘I’ll just do IVF if it doesn’t work naturally’ or ‘I’ll freeze my eggs at 36-7-8’ - they tend to be horrified and shocked about what IVF actually entails. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

You need to have a calm and frank talk. Sorry to sound harsh but does he really not want DC, or doesn't want DC with you? You don't have 3 years to hang around waiting for him to maybe change his mind - or not. If he's been stringing you along and if he really doesn't want DC and you really do, then you have a decision to make about the future of your marriage. Don't fgs get pregnant by "accident" that'll never end well.

I have 3 couple friends who chose not to have DC due to finances, mental or physical health reasons, or they liked their lifestyle and travel. Their lives, their choice - but it was a joint decision.

He has lied to you for years. You are absolutely right that if you want children you should not leave it any later to start trying. While it is possible to conceive in late 30s and early 40s it becomes harder and there are more chances of complications with the pregnancy and with the baby unfortunately. If he doesn’t want kids you still have time to leave him and go it alone!

Yes she did say something like that, but after the first couple of years of being fobbed off, alarm bells should have started ringing, but for whatever reason the OP was happy to go along with things up until she overheard the conversation. People only treat you the way you let them..

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

You have my sympathy, your DH has treated you very, very unfairly, but this is a totally crass thing to say.