My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all

I really don't think you should try to conceive at all. No child deserves to grow up not feeling enough.

Very upsetting for you. You won't be able to come back from this unless he changes his mind. He has been spinning you a yarn about the most important thing in the world to you. It's fundamental to your relationship.
Upset as you are, you must take back control now.
Tell him you agreed to marry him on this basis and you are coming off the pill. You have to be ready to hold firm and to get your head around leaving him if he doesn't come around.
I know you are not in that headspace but you need to start to contemplate sperm donors and going it on your own, or meeting someone else. A child is way more permanent and satisfying than a disappointing husband and it sounds like you'll be able to prioritise it that way too. Men, honestly, are ten a penny (and I say that from the safe confines of a very happy late life marriage).

@CheeseWisely I think it's easier done than we might think. The man she loved, who she married, kept saying he did want children and just needed to wait a bit. My own partner wasn't ready to start trying when I was, and I took a risk in waiting a year for him, but I did it. I knew I would likely have trouble conceiving and that my age wasn't on my side, but I still did. I would imagine it crept up on her, and she just kept hoping that he would be ready soon. I can see how it would happen. She also probably thought that she's safer staying with a man who says he wants a child in the near future, than risk being single and not meeting someone for some time, and then needing to wait a little while before having children with them.

You only have to read posts on here to work out that sibling relationships don’t always work out. A lot of people have wonderful relationsips and that is great but every family is different. I have friends whose siblings are their best friends, I have friends who are the carers of their sibling, friends who hate their siblings and wish to never see them again ect ect. For me, I have a sibling who lives on the other side of the world so all parental care has been left to me. I might as well as be an only child in this situation.

He's entitled to change his mind. The way he has gone about it isn't great but is there a chance you put pressure on him by going on about it and he has simply gone along with it?

I would personally choose my partner who is an actual living breathing person that I've loved for years over hypothetical children that do not even exist yet. There's no guarantee they ever will, you are 37.

This is one of the most ridiculous posts I've read 😂 Why would a man who doesn't want children find the thought of making a baby a turn on?

I can't add anything to what's already been said really but another one who doesn't understand why having only 1 child is as sad as having none at all? You would be a mum, having experienced pregnancy, childbirth, newborn bubble, milestones etc etc how is that like having none of it? You've lost me there

and the duhhhh?? 😂😂😂

agree this is terrible advice and not how you should be bringing them into the world. A baby is bloody hard work and I have never heard of two people who weren’t on the same page and had kids who went on to stay together.

Well there's no compromise is there so I suppose you end your marriage and perhaps get a sperm donor?

Leave - go it alone. Absolutely no way I would wait. He’s allowed to not want children- but he’s strung you along and that is unforgivable.

What has been done to you is a form of abuse imo-your husband has deliberately discounted your feelings and controlled you in keeping you dangling for years for what you want. I think you have to leave him regardless of whether he suddenly gets on board as what he’s done to you thus far will cause you to resent him even if you end up with the family you want with him.
Regarding the only child comment-I understand as I also wanted a large family. However, it took me 7 years to conceive my miracle boy and now I have left his abusive father I know that the odds of me having the further children I so wanted are not with me (I am 38 now). I would personally look into sperm donors and the prospect of raising a child alone as time is not on your side and you need to start trying soon. I wish you the best of luck with it all x

Having one child is not as sad as never having one at all - and clearly spoken by someone whose never suffered infertility and pregnancy loss or baby loss. One child is a blessing. One child is all it takes to make you a mum and I'd suggest you take a look over on the infertility and conception boards to let it hammer home how fortunate you would be to get one.

Aside from that, waiting til 37+ with a view to have 3 children, after being married for 8 years is questionable at best. Your husband is stringing you along, and I think my personal breaking point would have been 4 or 5 years ago.

Ultimatum time - he starts TTC or you break up. If he says no you leave him. Then personally if having a child is your goal I would immediately look to go it alone with a sperm donor - there is no time left to delay if you want 3 children. If you end up a very lucky woman who has three straightforward pregnancies there is time left to do it if you start now.

He's been future faking you. get out now if you want kids.

That is tough, OP. If you want a child, you have to leave him.
Don't trick him into having sex with no protection, just leave him. You can have a child without a man in your life, it is tough but only you know if you are prepared to do that.

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

i have not RTFT but i am going to take a punt that you are getting criticism for this. Which you deserve if you ever say that to anyone IRL. That is hugely insulting for many many reasons.

How dare he have that conversation witha friend, infront of you, without discussing it with you first. I can't believe the first time you found out he didn't actively want children, as he originally led you to believe, was him discussing with a friend. He is either cruel or thought since you accepted his 'still not ready yet!' every year without question, that you were on the same page

Yes, I felt upset at that comment as a mother of one.
But I understand your feelings about wanting children and I really wouldn’t waste any time. We started TTC a year after we got married when I was 34 and I discovered I had fertility problems. We used IVF and I had my daughter at 38. We didn’t try for another child as felt so lucky to have one.
I don’t think your DH is being fair on you at all. And I think you need to get to the bottom of it. Does he definitely not want children full stop? Is he afraid of being a dad? Is he afraid how life will change? I know a fair few people who didn’t really want children but did because their partners did and are so happy now. Anyway, it’s a hard situation. Good luck.

You’ve had some good advice on a number of things and I do feel for you. YABVU to say that “having one child is as sad as having no children”. You sound childish when you say that. Honestly, if you want to be a parent, you need to start realising now that nothing is certain or guaranteed. You might start TTC and never conceive. You might conceive and have miscarriages. You might have one. The child might have a disability. You might have twins and hate all of the first year. All of these may alter your experience of parenthood, but that’s what happens to lots of us. Having children isn’t about you, it’s about them.

Agree.

Clear and honest.

Unlike him.

Its cruel what he has done, i'm sorry but the ultimatum is the only answer here. If he still isn't sure then you have no time to waste OP if you are desperate to have children. I would've gone down that proverbial 'bank' if my DP said he wasn't sure. And no, it's not cruel to have one child. I wanted three, had my DS at 32 which I was classed as being an older mum but suffered so much with PND that the thought of going through it again wasn't an option for me.

Took you long enough to get round to this, didn't it? :-)

You have to decide whether having children is a deal breaker, op. If so, exit this relationship pronto and find someone else quickly if you can but it is not that easy, you need the right person.

He might change his mind if you are insistent. Lots of people are scared at the thought of parenthood but when it happens they are fine. However the man has not been fair, giving you the impression he was in favour, stringing you along for years and then backing out. What is his problem? He sounds quite immature but some people have deep rooted fears that even they cannot understand so be gentle.

Good kuck.

This is so so sad and I’m sorry you are going through this @KellyRowland

I was married and left my marriage to have a child. There were other severe intimacy issues with my exH. I wasn’t in love and having a good “normal” relationship. Therefore, I don’t regret leaving and having DC and being a completely lone parent. However, if I’d really loved my exH and we’d had a loving communicative physical relationship - a life with that and no kids would have been very good too. NOT having children within a loving marriage can be wonderful. Lone parenting is tough but also wonderful especially if surrounded by friends/ family and if you have money for help/ childcare support and you aren’t just trying to survive.
The worst scenario is feeling empty and lonely within a marriage - and if you feel this may eat a way at you and drive a wedge between you, then it’s prob best to go.
I hope you’re ok and work out a solution xx

He's horrible for stringing you along. This would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid 😔

An ultimatum is pressuring someone to become a parent who doesn't want to. If a man posted about giving a woman an ultimatum to carry his child on here, he would be crucified. The right thing to do is to either be happily childfree (a fabulous life btw) or go it alone with a sperm donor.

Due to her age, any relationship the OP gets into now will be rushed and possibly not entered with the best intentions due to her desperation to have a child. She will be more likely to choose the wrong partner because of this lack of time available to get to know him properly; this could have a disastrous impact on both OP and any potential children.

but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all

I've read some really bonkers things on mumsnet over the years, but this has got to be one of the weirdest and most offensive - just spend a few minutes on the infertility boards, and rethink that bizarre comment.

Sadly it sounds like your marriage is over as you are not compatible over this fundamental issue. At aged 37 you might just about have time to meet someone else to have children with, so you will need to act quickly and decisively.

I'm sorry you're in this predicament. I think if you leave, you'll need to be prepared to do motherhood solo which is a big challenge in itself.

Your comment about an only child being just as sad as no children, is just plain offensive. My dd may well end up being an only and she has a lovely life. Her life isn't sad at all