My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

As someone who specialises in fertility, my advice would be to get your ducks in a row asap and freeze eggs. Do not wait for this man to change his mind, and you might take some time to meet someone and feel ready for a child.

If you have your first at 40, you might be 42 when you want to go for a sibling. Your success rate will be that of the age of the egg, so if you bank some now you will have a much higher chance of having several children.

To have taken your childbearing years from you is unforgivable. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

I wish you so much luck in getting that baby

That sounds like he's either just gone along and said he wants children to keep you sweet and hanging on, because he wanted you, does not have the heart (or spine) to tell you he doesn't want them in fear of the consequences of you leaving, or he's too much of a coward and not actually saying it to your face, and instead confided to a mutual friend instead of being honest with you. Also, sounds like he has been putting it off in the vain hope you might change your mind, or give up on the idea.

You said you couldn't be with anyone that didn't want children, regardless of how much you love them, yet it sounds like that's exactly what you have been doing, just not starting to realise it till now.

I'm in no means a relationship expert, but maybe You would be better off having a very frank and bluntly honest conversation with him, explaining how you feel and that it it has to be now, for biological reasons, or you'll have to split up and see what his reaction is, just be prepared that he won't give you the answer I think you're hoping for. Got a feeling even if he does decide all of a sudden that he wants children now, he will probably make you feel like you've bullied him into it, so therefore won't pull his weight. People who DO want children take steps to actually having them

BUT DO NOT allow him to gaslight you and make you feel like you are pressuring him and that it's 'all of a sudden' either, as you have broached the subject far too many times over the years and he has just postponed and postponed. This is not fair on you if he was saying in the beginning that he wanted them, but not taken any steps to do so.

There's NEVER a right time to have children, so that excuse of "we'll have them in another year", or "after we do XYZ" is absolute BS.

Be prepared to end the relationship and do not feel like you have lost out, research how to peruse things on your own terms, like previous posts said, sperm donors, adoption etc if you do not feel like there's time to meet someone new and build a relationship beforehand.

Good luck. Hope all goes well (sorry about the long reply!)

So much love for this

I was with my ex for 7yrs who also told me he didn’t want children we also broke up. I wasn’t asking for loads just 1 and with being in and out of hospital since turning 30 I didn’t think I could have any. Now I have a new fiancé who I love very much and after a long time trying I now have a healthy 4 month old at 39. I’m more than happy with my one and is also a rainbow baby. You need to do what’s right for you but don’t knock just having 1.

You need to speak to a Dr on your own about your fertility. Don't be surprised if they suggest egg retrieval....that will give you a little bit of a safety net. You say you are happy with him but could he possibly be treading water....afraid to end the marriage because he doesn't want to hurt you?....If you miss the chance to have children, you will resent and hate him and the marriage will end eventually...he's not being fair to you, it's very cruel........you need to call his bluff and be prepared to leave.

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

This is such a naive and ignorant view on having children. It is really offensive.
That's all I'm going to say.

Your husband has not been fully honest with you, what if you wouldn’t be honest with him for once .. 😏
I wouldn’t trust him with ANY waiting anymore.

Choice 1: ditch contraception and go for it
Choice 2 : divorce and look for someone new (more risky and timely)

Sorry it has happened to you 💐

I really really sympathise with you and it must be incredibly difficult, but I doubt he’ll change his mind and if you were to get pregnant accidentally or you persuaded him to change his mind, he might be resentful and not a great dad because of that. You only really have two choices - stay and not have children which will lead to resentment on your part and might destroy your relationship or leave and give yourself chance to meet someone who does want to have children.

BTW - I wanted 3 but changed my mind after having my son, who is an only child. Please don’t perpetuate the myth that one is sad, and as another poster said, it’s insulting to those of us who do have just one. Lots of people I know only have one and it’s amazing, he is wonderful and I’ve enjoyed not feeling pulled in all directions by several children. I’ve never regretted it. Maybe this could be an option - if you could persuade him? Perhaps seeing a therapist might help?

You need to say you want children and start trying now. It is difficult to conceive after 35, not 40. You would be very lucky indeed to have 2 or 3. Give him the ultimatum now.

Thank you for this…it means a lot. It’s sometimes hard being judged for having an only.

I agree, there's no difference in terms of happiness but there are differences in confidence in self / social confidence and other things.

An only child has 100% of the parents attention, is less likely to be competitive as they're already the "winner" and they relate more easily and quickly to adults.

The siblings of a 2 or more family relate socially to other children more quickly and easily, especially if there's gender differences between siblings. They are more likely to be competitive and to worry about pecking order in the family.

These are of course, sweeping generalizations I remember from reading an article on it in the Guardian years ago, as an only child myself (at the time).

if you can’t resolve this and have children with your husband you are going to be left with a lifetime of resentment and regret.
I would highly recommend, if you can, have a private fertility MOT. It’s a good indicator of where you stand. Have your blood work done, AMH tested and follicle count checked. I was shocked at age 37 to have an egg reserve of woman a decade older. It will help you make decisions about your future

I totally agree 👍

He sounds awful. I think you need to leave him now if you want a chance at even one child, let alone 3. Not to scare you, but it's not always straightforward at any time. I had my first child at 35, all fine. Tried for a second at 38 - lost 3 babies in a row. I was eventually lucky enough to get my rainbow second baby. But not without losing a piece of my heart that I'll never get back. Any child is precious. One child is an amazing honour to have the joy and privilege to see growing into their own little person. If you really want to go on that journey, and it's far from an easy one regardless of circumstances, you should leave him now. Wishing you all the best.

Me too

"only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all."

This is really offensive.

However, if you really do want to have children then you should leave him and find someone else or use a sperm donor and have them on your own.

He has been future-faking all along and the "wait another 3 years" is yet more of the same. I really don't know why you have waited so long believing his bullshit. You'd been together quite a long time before you married and supposedly both wanted to have children so actually you should have started trying to conceive fairly early on in the marriage, because it wasn't like it was a newish relationship or you hadn't had any time for the two of you to grow as a couple first. But he obviously didn't want to have them or wasn't that fussed right from the beginning and he was just saying any old thing to keep you sweet.

If you still want to have children you have big decisions to make now because I don't think you'll be having them with him any time soon.

• OP - where were you at in your head with this 4 years ago?

At that point you'd been together for 10 years, married for 2, and you were 33?

What stopped you getting to the bottom of this then?

I think you'll find your answer there actually.*

^^This. He has strung things along yes, and also OP has allowed herself to be strung along. A woman who wants a big family, has been married for 8 years and is nearing 40....the signs have been there that he isn't that interested in kids even if he hasn't flat out stated it. I feel sad for the OP because I think it's easy to fall into this trap and so very hard to get out of it.

My friend just went into menopause at 35. Sadly it does happen

I think your husband never wanted children all along. He brought up the subject first because he probably wanted to know what you wanted. He has been stringing you along to make you falsely think he wanted children. You needs to get rid of him full stop.

Kudos to you for not going ahead and doing it anyway as lots of women do and using the " oh I've fallen pregnant " line.
You sound very honourable and very clear.
Very difficult to give an opinion as you sound absolutely lovely and obviously love your husband very much.

Slightly offended at the comment about one child being just as sad as no children at all. We went through hell and high water over nearly a decade to have our DD and wr are very happy as a family of 3. I don't think I would have the emotional resources to cope with more than one child but everyone is different. I definitely don't see it as sad though. I have a sibling myself and we don't get on so there are no guarantees.

explain to your husband, he is not thinking of your nateural human wants, and female human wishes,I bet if he had told you before you married, you would have had, even a tingy niggly thought in your head, Am i doing right, ??? Its your life, and if he loves and respects you, HE will do anything to make you happy,with the one thing you want in life, that would complete your happiness.tell him its the only thing you you want, to make your life complete, and happy.

Wow, I am struggling to think how your husband has kept this to himself whilst knowing you desperately want children. If I'm honest and that was my husband I don't know if it's something I could forgive and move on with. So many have already stated your options but what I would say is whatever route you eventually chose and if it's one to be a mum then don't give up hope. I met my hubby later in life, 32 and 33. Both of us wanted children and after 3 miscarriages we were referred for IVF. A first attempt resulted in the birth of our son just after I turned 40. It was on my husband's side the fertility issue but our son is both ours. Our son is 14 now and just the most gorgeous young man. Sadly he is an only child not through choice but we are so lucky to have him. So in a very long winded way, I'm saying you do still have time to see your dream of being a mum. I know for me my one regret in life will be we didn't have the bigger family we had hoped for and if you crave to be a mum it's very hard ignoring that. I really hope it all works out for you xx

For me it's simple. My glass is full/overflowing, the OP has an empty glass and it's in the cupboard. That statement about 1 really irritated me.