My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

I love the way you left off the end of my paragraph in order to shore up your point. About the seduction scenario, I ended with He's perfectly welcome to use a condom or get the snip. He has choices.

It is a very strange thing to say

That comment about the snip is a stretch. The world is full of men who resort to condoms rather than surgery.
The truth is that OP has not shared what contraception method they are using. For all we know if could be condoms what they are using.

I'd be there tonight, in my red-and-black push-up basque and black stockings! 😂

I don't believe that OP's spouse is sure about not having a baby. He'd have got the snip if he was. A baby would probably be the best thing that ever happened to him. He might just feel too anxious about it to go ahead - there's such a thing as paralysed with indecision - and might need to be pushed off the fence.

Oh, well, if they use condoms, then she's got no chance. Might as well inform him they're done and get on the dating apps.

I doubt he uses condoms though, because that would have given her a heads up that he didn't want kids.

Edit: And then the situation wouldn't have come to this.

If he's using condoms, then fair play to him. He's hiding nothing.

You must live in another planet different from the rest of us.
Do you genuinely believe that all men that don't want to have children get the snip? That is bonkers.

I believe that if men really and truly do not want to have children, then they should take responsibility for that and either use condoms or have the snip.

LOL have you read the OP ? He has been giving her the heads up all along by word of mouth.

You should not let your wishes come in the way of an objective evaluation of the situation.
What you just said there is what you wish men would do. But in the previous posts you were pretty much assuming that this man in particular is not so sure of not having a child because otherwise he'd have had the snip (sic).
You are falling into a wishful thinking fallacy.
Don't let your subjective opinion cloud your judgment.

One evil does not justify another, and you advocating bringing a new life into this dysfunction is insane. I don’t know if he lied to her comprehensively all these years or had a legitimate change of heart. If he did lie this is not the sort of man we need adding to the gene pool anyway.

I trusted someone rolled the dice and it came up snake eyes. However I’ve owned it and done my best with the circumstance. The OP trusted someone and it didn’t go her way. I empathise, but no one had a gun to my head nor hers. She could have chosen to stop trusting him at any time.

What you are proposing is objectively wrong.

I dunno, it all seems pretty logical to me. 🤷‍♀️ Really don't want one? Do your best not to have one. Not entirely sure? Leave the door open a crack by having unprotected sex with a wife who you know really really wants a child. Which is leaving the door open by more than a crack!

And actually, now that I read OP's message back, he's never said at all that he doesn't want kids. He just keeps pushing it off, which might well be because of fear and anxiety.

I do hope OP talks to him.

My friend went through something similar. I know of another woman who tricked a guy into having kids, he even offered her money to abort. They're still together with teens now, but that's not a gamble I would take and if anything I think she regrets it more than him.

If I were you I'd give him an ultimatum and mean it. Create a plan of action. If hes still not wanting kids, divorce and get back out there like a woman on an absolute mission. Focus on yourself, get in shape, explore what's out there. Time is a factor, I'm sure you don't want to hear that but it really is

I'm goo-goo eyed for babies and can't see how a baby conceived in marriage via consensual sex can ever be a bad thing, so it's probably no use talking to me.

As for bringing babies into dysfunction, you do realise that people had babies all over the shop in World War II and III, often with people they weren't married to and barely knew?

"who doesn't love babies? They are a gift and a blessing"?!!

Clearly thousands of people who chose to not become parents or have abortions do not see a baby at that particular time a blessing or a gift.

The op's husband does not want a baby at the moment. That is his choice and decision end of. Not "well op is desperate for one so he should have his choice taken..."

Noone is saying he hasnt behaved like crap and strung op along...he has but that does not justify tricking him into fathering a child

If the op chooses to stop taking contraception then good on her but she should inform her husband....he has a right to know if their chosen contraception method changes. They are marrried...its justified to believe your spouse is taking contraception if they say that they are.

If he is aware she is not on contraception and still does not abstain/use condoms then thats on him but he has a right to choose, just as op has a right to choose if she wants to leave him and look at alternative ways of having a baby.

If OP wasn't running out of time, I'd agree with you. But as it is...

Having said that, many women can still have babies until their early forties. Someone having a baby with their own eggs at 43 isn't unheard of. So perhaps she has six years. And she's still very much an egg-freezing candidate at 37, which would take the social pressure off her and enable her to start over.

Yes, first thing you say I agree with : there is no use talking to you.
You are barking mad, LOL!
You have to have some nerve to use the atrocities that occurred during the world wars as example of good parenting practices.
You should call it a day and turn in, sweetheart.

I should!

🐶

Oh that’s easy ofc if it’s consensual I have no problem with it. However if someone lies about their birth control status they have denied their partner the opportunity to give informed consent. Thus it’s no longer consensual.

That has precedent in law as men who poke holes in condoms or otherwise remove condoms part way through sex by deception have committed a crime.

You can be as goo-goo eyed for babies as you like, as truth be told I’d love to have one or two more myself. So I do empathise.

I think I'm with you on this one. If my hubby and I were happy and he was on the fence about kids, I might just throw caution to the wind and let fate take the wheel. But if kids sent him spiralling into a pit of despair, probably not. Funny how many dread pregnancy and babies until they're here then they wouldn’t change a thing!

Are you quite alright?

Walk away . If you want children do not wait anymore . He is playing you

You wouldn’t worry about the impact on the child?

That would make you a bigger cunt than having an oopsie pregnancy.

It’s not consensual if he doesn’t know his partner is harvesting his sperm. He doesn’t consent to that which would make OP a sexual predator and domestic abuser.

Uninformed consent is not consensual sex.