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Original poster

My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

624 replies

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
BetterDeadThanRed · 25/02/2025 01:17

So you waited till 37, living with a man who's ambivalent about children. You're 37 and you want 3??? Slightly...deluded.

So now you leave him and you expect to find another father of your children straight away and go on to have 2-3 kids with him?

It's a mess. Ant too late.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 25/02/2025 01:23

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 22:30

You wouldn’t worry about the impact on the child?

That would make you a bigger cunt than having an oopsie pregnancy.

Show quote history

Does everyone reproduce with the perfect man, then?

coxesorangepippin · 25/02/2025 01:33

Op??

Any of this helping??

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
StormingNorman · 25/02/2025 07:24

ThisFluentBiscuit · 25/02/2025 01:23

Does everyone reproduce with the perfect man, then?

Show quote history

I would hope that they reproduce with a man who they at least think wants a child and will be part of their life.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/02/2025 07:25

StormingNorman · 25/02/2025 07:24

I would hope that they reproduce with a man who they at least think wants a child and will be part of their life.

Show quote history

The OP thought she was married to a man who wanted children though.

StormingNorman · 25/02/2025 07:29

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/02/2025 07:25

The OP thought she was married to a man who wanted children though.

Show quote history

You need to read the quote history - this post was a response to another poster. It’s not about the OP.

FGS if you’re going to reply to a post, at least read what you’re replying to.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/02/2025 07:31

StormingNorman · 25/02/2025 07:29

You need to read the quote history - this post was a response to another poster. It’s not about the OP.

FGS if you’re going to reply to a post, at least read what you’re replying to.

Show quote history

The other poster wasn't saying she had had an "accidental" pregnancy. It was her advice to the OP.

I'm not really in favour of "accidental" pregnancies because I think the child deserves to be loved and wanted by both parents.

But the man? Nah. He can go fuck himself. If you deliberately run down your wife's biological clock, knowing that she wants children, I don't care what happens to you.

StormingNorman · 25/02/2025 07:32

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/02/2025 07:31

The other poster wasn't saying she had had an "accidental" pregnancy. It was her advice to the OP.

I'm not really in favour of "accidental" pregnancies because I think the child deserves to be loved and wanted by both parents.

But the man? Nah. He can go fuck himself. If you deliberately run down your wife's biological clock, knowing that she wants children, I don't care what happens to you.

Edited
Show quote history

We were talking theoretically 🙄

january1244 · 25/02/2025 09:59

BetterDeadThanRed · 25/02/2025 01:17

So you waited till 37, living with a man who's ambivalent about children. You're 37 and you want 3??? Slightly...deluded.

So now you leave him and you expect to find another father of your children straight away and go on to have 2-3 kids with him?

It's a mess. Ant too late.

This is harsh and it's not too late. It's a wake up call to do something about it, and to see if her husband is just ambivalent/scared or is a definite no. And to make other plans. But it's not definitively too late and there's no point being unkind and panicking the OP. She's already aware of the time her husband has potentially wasted.

A friend met her partner at 37 and is about to have a baby. I was thinking of three and started at 36 (having been with my partner for more than a decade). I have two and am now undecided on the third. It depends what the OPs circle is like, most of my friends didn't start til later 30s. In those circumstances it is easier to drift along a bit. I can see how the OP got to where she is

ChristmasPudd1990 · 25/02/2025 10:00

Has op not replied then? 😕

Randomer75 · 25/02/2025 11:34

ThisFluentBiscuit · 24/02/2025 20:26

You know, all the virtue-signalling on here is hilarious. This place is full of mums who adore their children. As if you wouldn't quietly toss the contraception if you'd been backed into the kind of terrible choice that OP has.

Yeah, sure, you'd Do the Right Thing and do sperm donation or try desperately to get divorced at 37 and rustle up another life partner before your fertility ran out. And sure, you'd accept a childless life if such unlikely measures didn't work. Pull the other one! 🤭 The drive to have children is one of the strongest drives in human nature. I bet thousands of mothers on MN got pregnant accidentally on purpose. You never had to in the old days, before contraception, because men accepted that babies were part of marriage. After contraception allowed men to endlessly adolesce, women sometimes have to take matters into their own hands.

If partners were honest with each other, none of these situations would ever occur.

Thing is, there’s no need to quietly toss the contraception.

OP could say “I want a baby and I think it is beyond a cheek that you assume I’ll do your contraception. As of now I am not prepared to use any contraception at all. I wouldn’t be prepared to think about abortion. Just so we’re both being fully transparent.”
She could even text it to him, it won’t stop him having sex with.

dcthatsme · 25/02/2025 17:48

I'm really sorry to hear this OP. He misled you - I understand exactly what you mean about not wanting to be with him despite being madly in love with him. I would be very straight with him and say that you want to have children and it's a deal breaker for you. You love him very much but you want to become a mum and time isn't on your side. He has to make up his mind PDQ. It's now or never. The road ahead without him could be rocky but these days there are options that weren't available for women some years ago. A friend of mine became a single mum by choice because she didn't have a partner and was hitting her early 40s. She moved back to where her family lives and had a beautiful daughter on her own and later met a new partner. You might be lucky and meet someone else within a year or two but it's hard to predict these things. I wish you so much luck OP.

riceuten · 25/02/2025 17:56

I suspect he never wanted kids and just kept you waiting until he hoped it would be too late.

what happens next is your choice

louisep1986 · 25/02/2025 18:02

You have to do what's right by you and very unfair to keep you hanging on.
Just be aware of saying its sad only having 1 child (quite offensive), some people like myself have 3 lost 3 baby's, i would give anything to have 1 healthy baby.

ThePoliteLion · 25/02/2025 18:04

OP, sending you a hug. This might help - for various reasons (mostly not meeting my DH until I was high thirties), I didn’t have children until my mid forties. Please don’t give up on your dream of a family.

gardenflowergirl · 25/02/2025 18:13

I'd stop taking the contraceptive pill now and go for it.

WimbyAce · 25/02/2025 18:14

I'm not sure how you let the clock tick on until 37. Having 3 children now is highly unlikely, you may not even be able to have any sadly.

PeachyPeachTrees · 25/02/2025 18:15

Leave him today. He has lied to you for your whole marriage. Led you on with false hope. You have thrown away your best fertile years. What he has done is unforgivable. You should check your fertility as you may have time or you may not, especially if you want more than one.

moonsunandstars · 25/02/2025 18:18

gardenflowergirl · 25/02/2025 18:13

I'd stop taking the contraceptive pill now and go for it.

But a man who was so dishonest about such an important part of life isn't good father material.

It's probably best to go for sperm donation now.

This way she will know she's dealing with high quality sperm and the knowledge she won't be involved with a douchebag man.

littlemisspigg · 25/02/2025 18:24

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

Which one of you is on contraception ?

If it's him, leave him/ sabotage it

If it's you, well then....you know what to do

DiduAye · 25/02/2025 18:24

You don't have 3years LTB

littlemisspigg · 25/02/2025 18:31

littlemisspigg · 25/02/2025 18:24

Which one of you is on contraception ?

If it's him, leave him/ sabotage it

If it's you, well then....you know what to do

Show quote history

He's been playing you all along....
Maybe it's time you played him ...
Good luck OP
Decide a path, then jump.
On a wing & a prayer

Mumofthreeteenagers · 25/02/2025 18:32

I had 2 friends those partners didn't want children. Both geezers led them in and then said . .maybe in a year etc. Before they knew it, both women had given up their dream of being a mum for the bloke. Both ditched me (ivf parent) because I had children.

Both gave their dream up. I truly cannot even understand how they cope as both so wanted to have children.

Why should your dream be inconsequential? Men can literally have children all their lives, so can change their mind. But women can't.

Dogsbreath7 · 25/02/2025 18:35

OP realistically you may have an uphill struggle to get pregnant. Get off birth control and optimise your health for pregnancy (folic acid etc). He has lied to you so I wouldn’t feel bad about getting accidentally pregnant now. However that means one child and being a single parent. Only you can decide if that is enough.

Finding a new partner and getting pregnant before 40 is unlikely.

can you really love someone who has deceived you?

MaddestGranny · 25/02/2025 18:38

To all singletons & mothers of singletons:

My DD was/is an only child, light of my life. Wd've liked more, not to be. I sometimes felt sad/guilty she was an only and did my best to give her best chances in life. She didn't meet her DH till she was 37. She quickly had to make clear that unwillingness to have a child wd be a deal-breaker. Fortunately, DSIL loved/loves her so much he instantly agreed. DGS is IVF, so hard come by. DD was/is clear it would be "one and done". Both DPs love the socks off their only DS. Both are fab parents. Their happiness is totally bound up in their little family unit. DGS is lovely (not always easy, in fact, sometimes quite hard work) & a tribute to their loving parenting.

There was a piece of research a few years ago which questioned singletons vs siblings about their life-happiness. Turns out, all in all, there was no difference, really.

Singletons have a lot going for them in life-happiness terms. Be up-cheered! x