My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

I’m not sure how this has gone on for so many years. It sounds like he lied or dismissed you and got away with it. Until now. He doesn’t get to choose whether you have children he should have been honest. I’d be out if I was you op.

Agreed and NOTHING I have said contradicts that position. At no point am I denying my paternal responsibility, and at no point did I seek to influence my ex with regards to her pregnancy either,
a woman’s right to her body and reproductive choices is sacrosanct to me.

I ended the relationship as soon as the deception was revealed, but I assured her should she proceed with it I would be a devoted father, and indeed I have been. The only right I am claiming sovereignty over is the right to be or not be in a romantic relationship with whom I chose.

I felt backed into a corner at the time. Which was the whole point of the exercise. My choices were to fall on my sword and marry her and try to cobble together a coherent family environment with someone I had lost any and all respect for, and by definition didn’t respect me whatsoever. Or get out of that relationship, but make sure there was a place of safety, love and nurturing for my child away from the toxicity, I’m consistently reminded how in the end I made the best possible choice for our child.

So am I.

That doesn’t make it feminism to lie to them about birth control and make them a parent to an unwanted child.

Two wrongs and all that. Children aren’t tools for revenge or feminist redress.

I literally can’t believe this needs to be said.

How devastating and unforgivable that he has led you on like this! At 39 he would know if he wanted children so he clearly does not and just thought he could string you on for another 3 years and hope it was then too late.

Also offended at the one child being sad comment. I don’t see why you would think that way. Good luck!

Your husband is despicable to have future faked for so long. You should look to leave him asap.

However:
“ If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40.”

I utterly despair that, in this day and age, women know so little about their own fertility. Statistically, at 37, your fertility has gone off a fucking cliff already.

I am so sorry this happened to you OP - not sure if your husband lied or simply his views on having children evolved.

All the best whatever you decide to do.

But I did want kids? So what’s your point here? I would have preferred to have done so within the context of an equal and loving partnership. Alas that was not to be for me. Are you saying men should never trust women? Like ever? Because I don’t think I have enough misogyny in me to believe that no women are trustworthy ever. I was just unlucky, and I’m simply weighing in on how this hole getting pregnant behind his back plan may be ill-conceived.

This isn't just "not wanting something". It's lying to your wife for 8 years about wanting children until she's in her late 30s and will be exceptionally difficult for her to find another man who wants to have them in time.

He has stolen years of her fertility which she can never get back.

Oh and by the way, the only people who can "rape" someone by having unprotected sex by stealth are MEN, if they remove a condom without their partner's knowledge. Because in that situation a woman thinks he is using a condom because she has seen him put it on. Men have no business thinking that the woman has used an invisible form of contraception and that therefore they don't need to. They can practically eliminate the risk of pregnancy themselves, by using condoms. And if they fail to do so, it's not rape, it's stupidity.

Although being single and childless is fine he should not have led you on like that.

Glad you were able to find somebody new. You ex probably struggled to find a woman who did not want children.

As much as I don’t agree with getting pregnant accidentally-on-purpose, at least this would put the ball in the husband’s court as regards making big decisions …

I hope others can take a lesson from this though. Even if he knew he did not want children, OP still enabled him to waste her time for 14 years.

If you know you want children - set a fixed time on it and be ready to walk.

Leave

OP, my great grandma had her first at 17, then one every three years until 43. That means roughly one at 37, one at 40 and one at 43. Don't give up, just get organised.

As a message of optimism I met my partner at 39/40 had a baby the day I turned 42. It can happen and I got pregnant easily you're right to prioritise your own happiness tho and go for a man that really wants to be a parent.

He doesn't want children OP. The additional three-year wait sounds to me like it is designed to take you up to your 40th birthday, by when most people think a woman is pretty unlikely to be able to have children (not entirely true of course, but that's another subject).

I think you need to take more ownership over your own fate. He has been fobbing you off for years and, kindly, it seems a little naive to think that you could afford to wait til 37 to have three children.

If I were you, I would think hard about what you really want - as others have said, you could leave him and have a child by yourself. You could adopt a child who needs a loving home. But you will need to take things into your own hands.

Theft of consent is never something to advocate.

The OP has agency in all this. She's chosen to spend 14 years, 8 married, waiting around. She could have given him an ultimatum years ago, why would you wait until 30 bloody 7 for this?!

I cannot believe how many think this is a good idea or are even evaluating its merits. It is so deeply dismaying. I honestly gave us as women and human beings more credit than this.

My friend is 37, has been trying for two years and is on her 4th round of IVF.

A Rapist’s mentality.

A lot of women here actually don’t support the notion of informed consent. At least not when it comes to men.

I discovered on a different thread on this topic.

I have no issue with somebody stopping contraception. As long as their partner is informed.

Everyone minimising rape on this thread needs to cut it out.

It’s not minimising anything to state a simple fact.

I don’t like the idea of ultimatums. His already told you he isn’t ready for them. There’s your answer. Even if you convince him, I think there’s a high chance he will resent you once the baby arrives, or worst- leave, cheat, not help. Some men are like that. Take my DH for example. He agreed to kids but in reality he should’ve never been a dad. He is now incredibly miserable and more of a burden than a help. I feel sorry for him, for myself and for the kids.