My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

Rape is not something the victim can prevent by taking a simple precaution such as buying a small piece of latex available in most shops and using it.

It's a disgusting comparison.

It’s fine for couples to discuss and agree on one form of contraception.

In my last relationship we agreed that we would just rely on partner’s vasectomy (once we stopped using condoms).

I guess the women commenting here would have supported him lying about having had one and said it was my fault for not being on the pill.

Theft of consent is theft of consent.

Gleefully cheering on somebody tricking somebody into a sexual act they may not have agreed to without full knowledge IS a rapist mentality.

If you genuinely think it’s not problematic why encourage a lie instead of encouraging them telling their partner they will not be using contraception anymore.

It fucking isn't
It's wrong it's immoral all kinds of things but don't compare it to something as specific as rape ffs just because of the issue of fraud and consent.
By that definition cat fishers who steal money are also rapists.
Jesus wept

This.

It's all about the OP. People can perhaps have a little empathy and stop making it all about themselves by being all offended - presumably those with 1 child. The OP has just had some life shattering news and yes, perhaps, after 1 child will change her mind, but that's not what she wants right now. She's not saying ANYONE having one child is sad, she's saying that for her, it would be a sad situation because that's not how she pictures her family or how they've discussed their future family as a couple.

Sorry OP, I would ve furious. It's unforgivable and you need to leave and make plans to make your dreams come true. What a pathetic excuse of a man.

Omg OP I would have issued an ultimatum before now, after the first couple of years of him not confirming when you’ll try for a family. Hes wasted your time. You been too passive with this unfortunately. Time is ticking and you need a frank chat with DH asap, to tell him your feelings. What have you been saying every year when hes says oooh let’s wait, again?! He’s not thinking of your wants or needs just his own. You need to put yourself first and give him an ultimatum

Horrible thing for him to do but really if you wanted 3 children and he’s been dragging his heels for 8 years did you really not know what he was doing?
I think after 4 you would be starting to get concerned.

ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCIES CAN BE PREVENTED BY THE MAN TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIMSELF AND USING A CONDOM.

RAPE CAN'T.

There is nothing a rape victim can do to prevent themselves from being raped, therefore they are not in any way to blame.

There is one very effective thing a man can do to prevent his female partner from conceiving a baby he doesn't want, which is WEAR A CONDOM.

The man in that situation has all the agency and bodily autonomy. A rape victim has none.

That's why it's a disgusting comparison.

But if (contrary to the laws of literally every country) you want to redefine rape as "theft of consent", she consented to be married to him on the basis that he also wanted children, so he's been fucking stealing her consent for the last 8 years.

Having one child is just as sad as having none at all?

Doesn’t sound like you really want a child if you’re saying that, it sounds like you want a storybook idea of “family”. Very odd thing to say.

Exactly this, what a twat!! He’s waiting til he thinks you’re past it!! And nothing to stop him then leaving you for someone younger, and she gets pregnant, how devastating would that be? Act now OP

What's wrong with wanting a family?

What's a family?

I mean if she wants a child, she wants a child - not a sibling set. It’s like people who only want one gender. It’s okay to have a preference but to say only having one child would be worse than not having one seems very strange to me.

Everyone has their own vision of what a family is, and for the OP it clearly means more than one child.

Maybe she is an only child herself and always hated it. My friend who is an only child had three children in less than three years.

As much as I disagree with @MissScarletInTheBallroom on a lot, she’s right on this. It’s happened to me and it’s in no way comparable to actual rape aside from the consent violation. I don’t have to wrestle with ptsd, people don’t shame me for any of my choices following it. Rape is a terrible terrible thing and it deserves its own discussion.

What my ex did was monsterous but not rape monsterous. Get some perspective.

Tell him you are now going to use a sperm donor since he has strung you along for 14 years you aren’t wasting anymore time if he decides to step up great but get off contraception and start again you don’t need a Man to raise your child I’ve raised mine by myself and love it , choose wisely do you want your relationship or are you wanting children

only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

Second those who have pointed out this is not true. If I was starting at 37 I’d be blessed to have just one, it’s a late age to start if you’d like 3.
Many advantages to having just the 1. Average child per woman now 1.44 I believe so…🤷‍♀️
Agh he doesn’t sound on board does he. Stringed you along for ages so it sounds. Go off your pill if your on one now as it can take a while for things to get back to fertile ground, irrespective of if he is the man for you / father you choose for your child, or not.
Good luck 🤞

I did actually say I didn’t agree with it!!

A vision is not the same as reality. Whether you have 1 child or 100 they are your family and it's disgusting to imply otherwise

Yes I did read that part but there's no "At least it would do X" about it.

My friend's husband did exactly this. Time ran out. She has no children and no husband.

Put yourself first. You can't trust him on this. As others have said give him an ultimatum. You must be strong and not let him get away with this. He said that he wasn't sure? How can he still be equivocating when you have been together for so long? No wonder you are so upset. I really feel for you.

To be fair you've really buried your head in the sand here! 37 years old and you've been together for 14 years and you've only just found out he doesn't want kids!? You're worried that after 40 it's going to be more difficult to conceive? Umm after 30 your fertility starts to decrease 😩

Most name changers look like they have no posting history though. I’ve been on Mumsnet for 15+ years but regularly name change so if you advanced searched my current user name then it would seem I had not much posting history 🤷🏻‍♀️

In a way I hope this isn't real. It is so f*ing sad.