My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

Of course there is a direct impact on a man's wellbeing if he fathers a child he did not want to exist. Just because they don't have to carry the baby for nine months it does not mean that being made responsible for the care of that child is a massive blow with a devastating impact. Do you honestly believe that a husband in those circumstances could continue with their life just like nothing happened? This thread has had the most outrageous replies but yours takes the biscuit.
It is precisely that lack of accountability that you advocate for what paves the way for broken families and family feuds. The perfect environment for the upbringing of a child, eh?

Half the people in the world are oops! babies, and most of the time, the dad ends up loving them.

I'm going to need a citation for the claim that half the world's population were born in circumstances where the mother deceived the father about birth control. Because that suggests something pretty fucking horrifying about women.

I mean, not in your view, as in your view oopsing leads to naught but butterflies and rainbows, but in the view of most people with a working moral compass.

It's of course fine that he doesn't want children but it's unforgiveable to have strung you along. As someone who's been there, my opinion is that you have no time to lose. Not a minute. If you really want children, accept that you need to proceed ASAP.

This is huge life decision and I really feel for you OP but if you know you'll regret not having a child you have to move now. I learned the hard way that at 37 it was already going to be harder to conceive and by the time we could afford rounds of IVF I was a week away from my 40th birthday. For us it didn't work, yes there are more older mums now but statistically it's still much harder to conceive at this point. We gave up on IVF when I was 42 because what the private fertility doctors didn't tell us, I had researched: there is only a 2% success rate per cycle at that age.

Sorry my opinion is not more comforting and of course you may have a much easier time getting pregnant naturally.

@Dervel ah i see you've answered this now i hadn't caught up on the thread

I'm afraid I would quietly stop taking the pill and cross my fingers I fell pregnant.

Your husband can deal with it by leaving or staying. After 14 years of his procrastination and probably lying to you I wouldn't be too bothered either way.

My child wasn’t an oops baby though, that would be a different thing. A standard issue contraceptive failure wouldn’t have been insurmountable for me. My child was born as a result of contraceptive fraud, ie deception. If you struggle to see the difference I’m afraid I probably cannot assist you in understanding this.

Whilst it’s true I wouldn’t change events from this point, being a very proud father, but any woman willing to do this to a man is never going to be anyone I or indeed many men would be keen to be in a romantic relationship with. I hardly think this either unreasonable nor stunningly new information for anyone.

Billions of people are oops babies. Are you saying it would be better if they hadn't been born?

The planet as a whole, and every other living species on it, would be much happier with several billion fewer human beings. We are a pestilence at this point in time, actively destroying our collective home. Our human supremacist sense of entitlement to procreate, no matter the cost, is the exact opposite of good parenting, in every possible way. We absolutely should not be forcing parenthood on people who are clear that they don't want children in the first place.

Taking away someone's ability to make choices regarding their fertility is a terrible, terrible thing to do. It is also exactly what he has done to the OP.

If she were to "accidentally on purpose" get pregnant it would be the moral equivalent of what he has done. Sure, there are downsides to this approach but I certainly wouldn't feel sorry for this deceitful and coercive DH.

You seem to have a very clear idea about what people should and should not do. However, you have forgotten the most fundamental aspect when it comes to relationships: YOU SHOULD NOT LIE OR DECEIVE YOUR PARTNER.
All the other aspects about sexual interaction and other practical aspects pale in comparison to that.

I suggest you either stop having sex or have a vasectomy.

You see this is the problem- men expecting women to always take care of the contraception. If you took responsibility it wouldn't be an issue.

Your moral compass is corrupted to the core then.
You are comparing not wanting to do something with forcing someone to do something whether they want it or not - like rape.

This is so upsetting OP, your chances of conceiving three babies naturally now at 37 is extremely small.

I couldn't stay with him.

Don’t be so ridiculous . Having one child is NOTHING like not having any and it’s actually a very stupid thing to say.

Despite a reluctance to disclose too personal details. No I did not, but on the instance where we conceived I had as fate would have it checked in on wether the progesterone pills were still being taken, or did I need to go get some condoms? I was flat out told they were. My exes preferences was she didn’t like condoms (and I now see why), although historically I have had partners will hellish reactions to hormonal birth control methods and it seemed pointless to put their bodies through all that when I could simply rubber up.

I’m not trying to dodge responsibility here, I made an error in trusting her, and have taken responsibility for that mistake ever since. Because if there is one entirely blameless soul in all this it’s our child. Note I’ve always WANTED to be a Dad so in a sense I’m very lucky, but there was never a chance in hell of any sort of relationship surviving in the wake of such manipulation and deception. I hope you can understand that.

The last thread I saw on this had multiple posters describing ooopsing as a feminist act and telling those of us who suggested that deceiving your partner to obtain an unwanted child might not be in the child’s interests that we were upholding the patriarchy.

The longer I’m on MN, the more disgusted I feel that there are women who think they’re entitled to take whatever they want, and who cares about anyone else? Bodily autonomy don’t matter! The children don’t matter! It’s women’s rights!

Ir’s sickening to me (and I’m infertile, so miss me with any “oh but you’d get it if you were denied your human right to a child…”)

I quite agree. The OP's husband deceived and lied to her for more than 8 years and now it may be too late for her to have children.

With all due respect you are entirely wrong. Nowhere have I said I am not responsible for any child I take part in the creation of. I am and have done so. I am not the problem here.

I think we are all responsible for our own fertility and any man who does not want to get his partner pregnant should use condoms every time or get a vasectomy.

Women shouldn't be responsible for preventing pregnancies that men don't want.

I'm not talking about the child, I'm talking about the contraception. Celibacy is the only course for blokes if you absolutely don't want kids.

So funny when the feminist lobby goes full pearl clutching mode when anti-woke over the top leaders like Trump or Farage get such a wave of renovated support.

Feminism better up its game or else we are royally fucked. The level of toxicity in some of the comments on this thread is absolutely disgraceful.

You don't know that.
People are entitled to change their opinion or postpone their decisions.
And even if that is the case, two wrongs do not make a right.
If it is final that he does not want to have children, then divorce is the answer and not bring a revenge child to the world.

Make the most you have time. Unfortunately time stands still for no one. If your husband does everything you can well that’s good. If not tell him to pull his finger out or you will have to think about things. Everyone has the right to be happy. Good luck xx

Tbh I'm heartily sick of men coming on here and telling us what we should or shouldn't do.

I'm also heartily sick of men in real life thinking they can control what we do or don't do, say, or don't say.

he hasn’t been able to tell you

Incorrect, I think. He has been future-faking, stringing the OP along, wasting her fourteen best child-bearing years.

Leave him, OP, today.

Wouldn't surprise me if he didn't have his eye on a younger model right now, and is putting OP in a position where she has to leave him. He then doesn't look like the bad guy, and oh, fancy that, he's met a younger woman within weeks of parting (ie he already knew her) and guess what? She's pregnant. Am I old and cynical? I am. Have I seen it happen? I have.

Whilst on the topic I also wish women would rein in their misogyny and look at how their upbringing and education (content of which was decided by men) have dictated their beliefs.