My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

Having one child is in no way sad and a million miles from having no children at all. Our first child gave us the experience of parenthood, gave us hopes and dreams for her future and completely changed our lives. Our second child is very loved and wanted and we have the same hopes and dreams for her but it is more of the same experience. When I had to contemplate secondary infertility it made me very sad that I wouldn't have the two children I'd always wanted but having one child is wonderful and far better to me than no children which would mean living an entirely different life really with no experience of motherhood.

Disagree.

"Either we have children and we stay together, or we go our separate ways."

That isn't coercing someone to have children, it's asking him to piss or get off the pot. He's been lying to her for over a decade.

Why are people getting so hung up on the one child
comment? She prefaced it as being “to her” and thus marking it as a subjective and not an objective statement. I’ve only got one child I wasn’t remotely offended. If she’d made an objective claim about it I’d have been quicker to disagree. Having one is infinitely better than having none if you want to be a parent. However she feels how she feels and that’s fine.

Of course saying that having one child is ‘just as sad’ as having no children is going to provoke a reaction, because even if you frame it as personal opinion it is going to be read as a judgment. Many people have posted to say how hurtful they found it, including people who have tried and failed to have a second child.

Any demand with the words ‘or else’- spoken or implied- is blackmail.

And trying to force someone to agree to become a parent to multiple children when they don’t know how they’ll handle one is reckless.

Far better to call it a day as the OP has had all the time and evidence to realise her DH’s heart just isn’t in it. To proceed regardless is pure selfishness.

Well, not quite.
The addition of "to me" does not preface anything because it refers to the previous clause. Then there is a comma, therefore beginning a new clause, then she drops the bomb. So it was a blanket statement without any filters.

I'm sorry, if you want 3 children, have been married for 8 years why have you now waited until 37?! I wanted three children and started TTC at 30, 11 months later fell pregnant at 31. I knew then I wouldn't have time for 3 unless I literally had back to back to back pregnancies.

I don’t know any of these people, but this whole thing smacks of nuance. How we got here is sorta immaterial, he could have been stringing her along for 14+ years, or maybe he changed his mind comparatively recently. None of us can know, none of us are in his head.

In either case the calculus is the same. If she wants kids she needs to get on that asap. No I don’t see it as any sort of ultimatum if she packs her bags and sets off towards that aim. Her husband is fully
at liberty to decide he doesn’t want to lose her and reconsider his position, but she doesn’t have time to piss about waiting on him to dither any further.

She needs to get with her program and pursue this goal. If he elects to take that journey with her then brilliant. If not he needs to let her go to pursue that dream.

This is the sentence:

“Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.”

If you don’t feel that OP is prefacing the last clause with ‘but to me’, which clause do you suggest it relates to? I mean this is such a reach anyway and I don’t know why I’m indulging it, but I am curious what you think she’s actually saying here.

My exH did this. We were together 10 years, but only married for two. When I turned 30 I told him a wanted to start trying for a baby (I have PCOS so I was mindful of difficulties) and he confessed that he really didn't want children and would rather get his PhD and focus on his career.
That was his path, but it wasn't one I wanted to follow. So we split.
We're still good friends (though that took a while) and he is still single and childless which works for him, and I have a beautiful daughter with a wonderful man who wanted to be a father.
Take control OP, you deserve to follow your dreams. I wish you love and luck and happiness xx

She clearly put the comma in an inopportune place. It doesn’t read coherently as it is. The OP is obviously in a place of emotional overwhelm here. A smidge of goodwill can work wonders in threads like these. I hope that helps.

It’s a completely different ballgame trying to do this at 37 though, sadly. If someone tells you year after year they’re ‘not ready’ for kids, believe them…

Yes, I skimmed over a foolish and hurtful remark because I thought she's clearly catastrophising and reeling at this bombshell her DH has just dropped.

This happened to my sister! She is in her 50s now and he has had 2 kids with a young lady in her 30s : he is nearly 60!

I couldn't get over this, he's misled you for years. During your most fertile time.
The 'wait three years' is so he's almost certain it will never happen, however much you try.

You need to decide what matters more, him or kids. If it's kids it needs an ultimatum of a month at most to start trying, and go buy some folic acid in case.

Well OP has not been back so who knows if this is genuine.

However, in this situation, and if I were the one taking the contraception, I would have absolutely no qualms about off contraception without telling him.

This man has been an absolutely bastard and has been trying to 'time out' OP's fertility by putting ttc off and off and off to a future date.

Telling a 37 year old he wants to ' wait three years' 🙄

Just try to get pg without him knowing OP. He's played an absolute blinder on you, the absolute selfish bastard. He's shown you no respect, so don't feel you need to respect him.

Disgusting suggestion, consent really is a one way concept for some people, isn’t it.

And I’m sure it would all end well if the OP follows this advice 🙄

I'm sure you mean well, but I'm equally sure that an ultimatum would be counterproductive!
The problem is not that he doesn't want children; no one should be coerced into being a parent against their will.
The problem is that he has lied to @KellyRowland and thereby robbed her of the opportunity to be a parent with someone else who does want children.

He's been dragging you along for 8 years, who's to say he won't continue to do so until children is no longer a possibility for you?
I honestly would have laid down an ultimatum regarding the timeline of this years ago and would not be waiting for 3 years to see if he magically decides now is the right time. The fact that you haven't makes me question your commitment to having children - is it really greater than your desire to be with your husband? Either that or your relationship with your husband seems quite unequal if you haven't felt able to have a conversation about this properly sooner.
I think your love for his has blinded you to the fact that he's strung this out for so long hoping you'd change your mind or biology would come into play and he could blame it on that instead or admitting he didn't really want kids. Its incredibly cruel.
I too made it clear right at the beginning of dating that having children was essential for me, I would feel completely betrayed if my partner later backtracked on that or delayed it unnecessarily.
I would leave immediately because I feel like he's been lying to you. I honestly don't think I'd want to have a child with him even if he agreed to start trying tomorrow to stop you leaving.

You shouldn’t have let this lie past 30.

Your only option to have kids now is to leave asap. You still have time but you need to crack on.

It does seem rather vague.

It's a choice. He's spent years pissing about knowing full well he doesn't want to prioritise kids and is timing OP out.

The amount of shit women are prepared to put up with in case they don't seem "nice" is astonishing.

I'd rather be an ultimatum issuing bitch and know where I stand to make sure I can give myself the best possible chance at kids in my final fertile years than continue to hardly his gentle soul feelings in a way that changes nothing.

Nothing wrong with an ultimatum.

It isn't blackmail, its a choice. Look up that word blackmail. I've suggested exactly what you have - commit and go for it because he has had years to decide or split and find happiness elsewhere.

He married her saying he wanted kids and couldn't even be arsed to tell her he has changed his mind. He has had years, he still has years as well actually because his fertility isn't about to expire, unlike OP who has been led well and truly up the garden path woth promises of one day. She's hardly asking him to make a snap decision. She's asking him to piss or get off the pot.