Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

624 replies

KellyRowland · 23/02/2025 22:03

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
moonsunandstars · 24/02/2025 11:40

What a nasty man.

RedPandaLove · 24/02/2025 11:46

I think you have both been unreasonable here OP. You’ve let him put it off for years instead of having the talk years ago and if you really wanted children you should have spoken up. but he should have been honest with you from the start or as soon as he realised he didn’t want children. It seems he is happy for it to just be you and him, life how it is now, and children do change the dynamic of a marriage and it would no longer just be the two of you.

If you really do want children it’s definitely not too late at 37 but you need to make the decision which is more important. Your marriage or having children. Whatever you decide you need to make sure you won’t regret it.

Winter2028 · 24/02/2025 11:47

Copenhagener · 24/02/2025 04:57

As someone who went through fertility treatment, these are the stats they told me about conceiving at age (based on public hospital data in my country):

  • First fall in fertility is age 32
  • Big dip from age 37 onwards
  • Increase in genetic issues and miscarriage from 35 onwards
  • less than a 5% chance of conceiving per cycle aged 40, and 4% by 41
  • male sperm declines around 40 rapidly too - leading to poor quality unviable embryos
  • IVF isn’t a magic bullet. Even in your early 30s there is only around a 30% chance of success per cycle. By 41, this is much lower - sometimes as low as 1%
  • being healthy/fit won’t help much at all - female biological age is the single biggest determinant of having viable eggs.
  • Or you could get pregnant first time. There is no way to tell in advance.

So, statistically, time is not on your side. Nor his.

Of course, these are broad numbers and everyone is unique when it comes to fertility, but I find showing men data can be helpful. They can’t argue with that - and it’s a good enough way to say you’re leaving.

Don’t pay much attention to this suggestion of egg freezing. It’s a bit of a false sense of security. Most eggs will not become viable embryos, especially at your age. It’s better to freeze embryos than eggs. The drop off is staggering (in my case at age 32, only 1 viable embryo out of 10 eggs - but that egg is now my daughter).

If I were you, I’d get a fertility work up done asap. Check your AMH and ovary health. This is a simple blood test and painless internal wand scan. This will help you know what you’re working with and (potentially) how long you’ve got left.

Also your comment about one child being sad, is really naive.

Edited

Esp since that is likely what OP will get if things go somewhat in her favour. She meets someone interested in babies in a year's time, they marry and she can have her baby before 40.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
RedPandaLove · 24/02/2025 11:51

Also to basically say what is the point in only having one child is enraging for many people who could only have one, can’t even have any or chose to have one. Because only having one child makes you less of a parent than those with multiple….

whatapalarva · 24/02/2025 11:52

Iceandfire92 · 24/02/2025 10:55

But OP really has her answer, he clearly doesn't want children. Do you think it's right to pressure a man who doesn't want children into having a child? Even if he succumbs to the ultimatum, OP will know that he doesn't truly want one deep down.

Do you really think it is in the best interest in the child to have a father who doesn't want them? He will end up resenting OP, child rearing is difficult and putting pressure on him to become a father is not going to bring them closer together as couple. Both parents should be 100% on board as it is such a lifechanging decision. OP is better off doing it alone in my opinion.

Edited
Show quote history

that's not what I am saying. No I don't think it right to pressure a man or woman to have children but be honest with your partner and if you are not sure, then don't. The OP hasn't got years to decide and is sure she wants children but he is still not sure. I agree all the possible consequences of having a child with someone who doesn't want one, so find someone who does. Crack on with TTC other ways or come to terms with the risk of staying with someone and resenting them down the line.

Patterncarmen · 24/02/2025 12:02

SequoiaTree · 24/02/2025 09:51

I read that men do that because they don't really want kids and think they can get away with it with their similar age wife, but then when they meet a younger woman they think that they're not really equal to her and to be good enough to keep her they need to bring more to the table and agree to have kids.

Show quote history

That’s a good point @SequoiaTree I have just seen this happen repeatedly. It is so unfair to the first wife. In my friend’s case, she had to move out of the house she had renovated without much help from her husband. She was working in the same department as her husband (both academics), and faced a lot of pressure to leave as she was lower ranked and it was awkward. It was especially bad because she helped her husband with his career. She also was the citizen of another country, and had to gave it up to be married to her husband and get a UK passport. She left her job and tried to retrain with another masters degree, but ended up in a lower paid job. I mean she got a financial settlement/maintenance, but she lost her country, her ability to be a mum, her house (bought a much smaller one). It was just was horrible all the way around. She’s very much on her own, and I suspect pretty bitter. I feel really badly for her.

I told my DH that I didn’t want to have kids on our 2nd or 3rd date, and he was relieved. He said, me neither. And that was that. Being honest saves so much trouble later.

JoM8 · 24/02/2025 12:03

"This is cruel to say... but having seen the pain that statement has caused on this thread, OP? Later tonight, may all of us who have just one poor lonely single worthless pointless better-off-not-existing child think of OP, her panic and terror at having thrown away some of her last fertile years on a future-faker, while we kiss our beautiful child goodnight. The child that made us a parent. That opened up an entire world from no children to a child."

It was a really shitty thing for OP to say but so is what you said above. If you're so happy, brilliant - no need to be so nasty. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Redruby2020 · 24/02/2025 12:07

And then when the next time comes around that your DH says he might be okay with, what's the betting that he will not be ready then either.
Obviously being together 14 yrs takes you back to your 20's when you got together, and those are years when a couple wants to grow and enjoy one another. Plus build things up/get a home be in work etc.
But to me when I read 14 yrs, I just thought i can't see your DH ever having children now.
Maybe I am wrong, and sorry i don't want to upset you, but you need to think about what you will do going forward, because although there is still time, the longer you go on following what DH says, the time is running out.

SamPoodle123 · 24/02/2025 12:08

This is a dealbreaker. I would have a serious talk and either he agrees to have kids or you leave him. Unless you can get over the fact you want kids. The thing with men and women, which is not fair is we have less time where we are able to have kids. Men can delay longer than we can. It is very selfish of him to string you along like this.

Poetrydoetry · 24/02/2025 12:09

Ultimatum time. Kids or you're leaving.

I don't usually believe in them but the time length of this is ridiculous.

Redruby2020 · 24/02/2025 12:10

Copperoliverbear · 23/02/2025 22:56

I don't blame him, i would not have children now the way this world is.

That's fine, but he has been deceiving OP for many years now, even if you back some years, things were better then.

Dervel · 24/02/2025 12:30

Redruby2020 · 24/02/2025 12:10

That's fine, but he has been deceiving OP for many years now, even if you back some years, things were better then.

Show quote history

May he did, maybe he didn’t. He may have just changed his mind, which he is entitled to so do. However if kids are thus important to OP these needs ti be tackled quickly.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 24/02/2025 12:32

Babyghirl · 23/02/2025 23:06

No he's to blame for stringing op along for 14 years making her believe he wanted kids, running down her body clock, he has every right to not want kids, but not right to do what he's done to op.

Show quote history

This. His behaviour has been deliberate and unforgivable.

I would be moving out and seeking a donor at the same time.

He has considered your feelings at no point at all.

ForRealCat · 24/02/2025 12:34

I dont think you should offer him an ultimatum. What if he agrees to have kids? Your then stuck having kids with a man who doesn't want them and was happy to string you along robbing you of your fertility. He's an absolute shit

Mrsbloggz · 24/02/2025 12:36

This man has deliberately lied & strung you along so that he can exploit you for his benefit.
I would not forgive that.

AlexandrinaH · 24/02/2025 12:36

DarkForces · 24/02/2025 07:50

Lots of people can fuck off then. Be happy with the children you have if you wanted to have them but fuck off with your sadness nonsense at having an only child.

Show quote history

Yes, this, thank you. Fuck you to anyone who thinks this. Insensitive arseholes.

MarioLink · 24/02/2025 12:37

You really can't wait any longer. Fertility declines a lot from 35 and it is usually difficult to conceive after 40. I conceived easily in my late twenties but it took a long time in my late 30s and I was contemplating it not happening.

He has not considered your happiness stringing you on whilst your fertility declined. I think you need to leave him now and even consider motherhood alone if you want to be a mother at all.

Mrsbloggz · 24/02/2025 12:38

Dump him yesterday, go out on the razz, get pregnant by some hot young stud.

bookworm14 · 24/02/2025 12:38

The OP hasn’t returned to the thread in 14 hours and has no prior posting history. I think we’ve been duped by someone whose sole aim was to upset people (particularly one-child families).

ThatMerryReader · 24/02/2025 12:38

ServantsGonnaServe · 24/02/2025 11:32

I would tell him that I'm certain i want children and next Monday we are going to start trying to conceive or I'm filing for divorce.

And I'd make sure to secure the appointment so he knows you're serious.

Of course, because we all know that ultimatums are always the best way to handle disagreement among couples.
NOT.

Kitchensinktoday · 24/02/2025 12:39

bookworm14 · 24/02/2025 12:38

The OP hasn’t returned to the thread in 14 hours and has no prior posting history. I think we’ve been duped by someone whose sole aim was to upset people (particularly one-child families).

Or maybe she just phrased the 'one child' bit badly and didn't enjoy the ensuing pile-on?

babyproblems · 24/02/2025 12:40

It’s really offensive saying having only one child is the same as having none! Maybe when you have one child you will see how ridiculous this statement is.

PaintCatsPaint · 24/02/2025 12:42

JoM8 · 24/02/2025 12:03

"This is cruel to say... but having seen the pain that statement has caused on this thread, OP? Later tonight, may all of us who have just one poor lonely single worthless pointless better-off-not-existing child think of OP, her panic and terror at having thrown away some of her last fertile years on a future-faker, while we kiss our beautiful child goodnight. The child that made us a parent. That opened up an entire world from no children to a child."

It was a really shitty thing for OP to say but so is what you said above. If you're so happy, brilliant - no need to be so nasty. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Yes, that’s a disproportionately cruel thing to say. I must admit I’ve been a bit baffled by the amount of vitriol that one comment has attracted - especially as the OP did in fact preface it with ‘for me’. I’m not saying it’s an admirable thought by any means - it’s not. But presumably OP’s head is all over the place right now and a lot of people seem to have chosen to make the shock she’s experienced about themselves and the fact that she isn’t validating being ‘one and done’ (already perfectly valid anyway regardless of OP’s views). Some have been implying, on the basis of that one clumsy comment, that she wouldn’t make a good mother, and gleefully speculating over the problems she may well have conceiving. Far worse than what she said, in my view.

ThatMerryReader · 24/02/2025 12:43

Poetrydoetry · 24/02/2025 12:09

Ultimatum time. Kids or you're leaving.

I don't usually believe in them but the time length of this is ridiculous.

How irresponsible to coerce someone into having children even though they do not want to. Healthy couples do not operate under threatening behaviour.

OP needs to have a heart to heart with her husband and try to figure out if he wants to have children or not and then call it quits if they are not aligned.

But ultimatums are always a recipe for disaster.

ThatMerryReader · 24/02/2025 12:45

bookworm14 · 24/02/2025 12:38

The OP hasn’t returned to the thread in 14 hours and has no prior posting history. I think we’ve been duped by someone whose sole aim was to upset people (particularly one-child families).

Oh, if she is a first time poster, I would tend to agree with you. She seems like some nasty piece of work that just wanted to wreak havoc.