My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

Are you sure he CAN have children? My friend married an amazing guy. They postponed kids until they'll get mortgage, new cars, promotions, etc. After 15 years he used every single excuse saying "we are not ready yet ". She found out he was infertile all his life.

I'd have come off the pill when you got married and told him so, nothing secretive, as that was what you'd agreed.

He could then choose whether to sort out contraception himself, get a vasectomy or that he no longer wanted to be together with you.

I think you need to get some specific advice regarding your fertility my understanding statistically your chance of getting pregnant within a year at age you are now is under 55% this will take another jump down when you hit 40. I' ve seen some reports with slightly higher figures. You might have loads of eggs left but chances of abnormalities jumps after 35 years old. I think your husband can't be responsible for what he said 14 years ago that's a long time ago, and a 25 year old would have a different opinion to a 39 year old , but realistically i think fact you have waited for 8 years and you don't feel time has run out on this decision is a worry to me, at 39 he doesnt think hes ready is a clear indication this is no, he is happy as things are, you were presumably happy too and having a child is never guaranteed, until this conversation.

You’re in cloud cookoo land. Why are you so passive? Just letting life pass you by? You want 3 kids and you’re just waiting around til your husband is ready?! At 37 it is unlikely to happen super fast, it could, of course, but EVERYONE I know who tried for the first time at that age took at least a few months but most were longer. Plenty then had to have help- which takes ages, even with good finances.

leave your husband and get on with it. Or don’t.

We don’t know what his thought processes are. Maybe he did want them at one point, but never to the same extent as the OP. People change their minds and are free to do so. The ‘stringing along’ would be another three years, and the OP is free to decide that isn’t for her.

A good heart to heart would be better than the blunt instrument of an ultimatum. At least an amicable parting of the ways would be less stressful than a messy acrimonious divorce when looking to TTC quickly.

Can you imagine if a woman who did not want DC wrote a post about her husband removing his condom secretly?

I despair.

I’d be devastated and also wouldn’t be able to trust him. Look in to freezing your eggs and also sperm donors. I would also set about ending the marriage - you both want different things.

This.

Make it clear to your husband that this is a deal breaker for you. That you will be seeking a divorce because he has intentionally misled you for more than a decade. That his cowardice is unforgiveable.

My fiance announced three weeks before our wedding, that he didn't want children. I walked away (which was very hard at the time) and now have a son by someone else.

Don't let your husband steal your chance of a family. Good luck. xx

For HER. For HER life.

Don’t be so quick to take offence where there isn’t any.

You are wrong to say having 1 child is as sad as having no children at all - tbh at 37 there’s a good chance you might be able to only have 1 child anyway, as it gets harder to have children after 35 (it just gets even harder still after 40 - because egg quality greatly reduces as you get into your late thirties and continues reducing rapidly). I’m not being nasty, I’m saying that as someone who started trying at 37 myself and only has one child - secondary infertility is upsetting but compared to not being able to have a child at all…

You would not be wrong to leave your husband over this though- that would be better imo than pressuring someone into having children who doesn’t want them. It’s really unfair to you that he didn’t tell you he’d changed his mind sooner though ❤️- it sounds like he’s felt like this for a while.

OP has allowed herself to be strung along for 14 years, which suggests a passivity which isn't very compatible with effective parenting, and especially not with capable single parenthood.

It doesn't sound like OP and DH have a very healthy relationship dynamic, and definitely not one to bring children into.

14 years together makes for some deeply entrenched relationship patterns, which OP will likely need therapy to untangle before a healthy relationship can be entered into with someone else.

Fixed ideas about how many children constitute a family, and what that will feel like, especially after so many years of inaction - it all speaks to an idealised fantasy rather than the pragmatic realities of actual parenthood.

These are all important considerations to resolve before issues of fertility, and whether a single successful pregnancy is even possible (much less 3).

'Should I get pregnant' is just as important a question, arguably far more so, than 'Can I get pregnant'?

@Frostynoman Tbh and with respect, it's likely advice like this about egg freezing which hasn't helped OP's situation and why she has waited so long before leaving him.

Most eggs won't be viable with freezing - the success rate is quite low, I think, even without age on your side; it's embryos that are more viable.

You need to decide between your husband and having children and do it quickly. The very best you could hope for here is that he agrees to ttc for your sake, but this is a really risky way to go into parenthood, unless you'd be happy to either be a single parent or married to a reluctant father. There's a chance he'd take to it, but it's a very high risk with a man who has fobbed you off for years and has now stated he doesn't want children. If I were you I'd be raging tbh. He's had years to be honest with you but has instead strung you along, future faking. I'm not sure I'd actually want to be married to someone who did that to me.

I think the figures aren't quite as bad as some have suggested. In your 40s under age 45, 56% will become pregnant in a year. At OPs age, 67% will become pregnant in a year

www.babycenter.com/getting-pregnant/preparing-for-pregnancy/chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155

Your best bet right now would be to freeze your eggs (if you do end up waiting till 40+/having to find someone else & make it clear kids are a priority for you.

My heart goes out to you though. You didn't deserve this at all

I've been interested in these stats for myself/a friend who can get pregnant but has miscarriages. Does that mean the pregnancy goes to term? If anyone knows...

He could have told his wife though. No need for not being honest.

I don't think you should give him an ultimatum. It very clear he doesn't want children and is happy to lie to you about it. Nothing will change in 3 years, and in the meantime you are now classed as "geriatric " in terms of fertility and this will get harder with each passing year.

I think you just need to leave, and tell him why. Then get straight on with some fertility treatment, whether that's freezing eggs to give you more time to find someone else, or to start the process of having a baby by yourself. I know women who have done it solo, donor sperm, and have wonderful families.
He's strung you along for long enough. You deserve better!

Good luck op. X

OP, are you absolutely sure that he hasn't taken steps to prevent children, i.e. a vasectomy? He sounds as slippery and deceitful as anything.

Don't let him take up any more of your childbearing years, whatever he says. I wouldn't trust him. I'm not sure if you'd be better off with a sperm donor than this louse but, you're married and he is traceable.

I wish you the outcome that you want.

This is so difficult.

I feel your husband has been leading you on. I’m actually disgusted that he said this as a throw away comment in front of a friend and didn’t actually have the decency to talk to you about it.

Dont give up on your dream of having children, it can be done alone.

I certainly wouldn’t wait any longer.

We started TTC just after my 36th birthday and it was 3 years before we brought our baby home.

Your fertility is declining every year.

Id be so mad at him!

Sorry but it should have been a conversation you had just before you got married, and then again in your early 30s as female fertility starts a big decline after 34.

After 8 years you can really only blame yourself that he's been stringing you along that long and you've believed him. It's obvious he's been kicking the can down the road, you should have broken up with him years ago if it was a deal breaker for you.

Every woman I know who had a red line on kids broke up with their partner at 30 if it wasn't going in that direction.

I did also mention looking at sperm donors. I believe the advice given would help OP move forward and give her more avenues than she has now.

@JoM8 I'm not sure sorry. I did see a stat that the miscarriage risk is 14% higher in your 40s than in your 20s, but I don't know.

There's only a 79% chance of falling pregnant within one year in your 20s, so the drop isn't so marked between the age brackets (not as marked as it could be).

When I had mine my NHS screening risks came back very low (one in thousands) as it did for my friends. I was worried the combined screening would be high just based on age.

It's hard to know. I had friends who tried in early thirties and had issues, but they had issues that weren't age related. They just had time to get fertility treatment. It's so hard to tell because it is so individual

What an absolute cunt he is. My friends DH did this. She left. She was 38, he was 42. He met a 26yo and had 3 kids in 4 years. Friend has no kids and is now 42 and going thru IVF with limited options and money.
Your husband has been incredibly unkind and manipulative, I think you are quite within your rights to manipulate him back but frankly, you do not want this man to be the father of your children.

I will be jumped on for this but.. it's time for an "accidental" pregnancy.

He has lied to you and probably stolen your chance to have children, which he knew was the thing that you wanted the most in the world. His 'future faking' was done to remove your ability to make an informed decision about not only your relationship but also your fertility.

So now make your own choices and, by the rules of your relationship which he set, you can stop taking his opinions into account. Come off contraception and start tracking your cycles.