My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[KellyRowland]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (8 years in May) and been together for 14 years. My husband has only just said today that he doesn't want to have children. I've always knew I wanted to have children. I'm 37 and my husband is 39.

We started talking about getting married and having children when we were with eachother for a month and my husband was first to bring the subject up. If he said he didn't want to have children, I would have broke up with him because I knew that not having children would make me unhappy, and I've been madly in love with my husband since the night I met him. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have children no matter how much I loved them.

A year before we got married, my husband said we would start ttc after our honeymoon. After we had been on our honeymoon, he said he wasn't ready to have children yet, so he said "we'll wait till next year" and I was ok with that, and we continued to talk about future children. A year after that when I asked him if we could start trying, he said the same thing, and he has been saying that every year.

Today we had one of our friends at our house, and my friend my husband and I had a chat, and one of the things my husband said to her was that he doesn't know if he wants to have children. But he said he might want to start a family in 3 years. If we wait another 3 years I will be 40, and I've heard that you have less chance of getting pregnant after 40. Even if I do start trying at the time and I do get pregnant, there is a big chance that we will only have 1 child and I want to have 3 children, 2 would be enough but to me, only having 1 child is just as sad as not having any children at all.

I have been crying on and off all day, so I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I feel that I'll be upset forever unless I do get pregnant, so I feel we will need to either start trying now or I'll need to break up with him now. What would be the best thing to do?

That's not the point. He isn't unreasonable for not wanting children, he is unreasonable for future faking the OP. That said, I do have to say that OP is unreasonable to say that only having one child is the same as having none. That makes absolutely no sense.

Thank you for pointing this out. Having one child is absolutely not as sad as having none (if you want children), not even slightly, not even in a million light years.

But OP really has her answer, he clearly doesn't want children. Do you think it's right to pressure a man who doesn't want children into having a child? Even if he succumbs to the ultimatum, OP will know that he doesn't truly want one deep down.

Do you really think it is in the best interest in the child to have a father who doesn't want them? He will end up resenting OP, child rearing is difficult and putting pressure on him to become a father is not going to bring them closer together as couple. Both parents should be 100% on board as it is such a lifechanging decision. OP is better off doing it alone in my opinion.

I knew there'd be a ton of people recommending oopsing on this thread, on the basis that DH is a terrible person so doesn't deserve bodily autonomy. No mention of the children's right to a father - not important on MN, it's all about a woman's right to a child. I've even seen it described as a feminist act on here.

Children deserved to be wanted by both parents. That's more important than your wants, as cruel as that may feel.

I hope that you can find a happy and peaceful way forwards.

I think neither the OP or her DH come out smelling of roses, here.

The DH is wrong to dilly dally about making a decision, and bad discussing such a private issue with friends.

There’s a lot of I want three kids etc etc from the OP but no one is entitled to, or owed, multiple children. They are not pets or accessories. Even if he turns round and says yes he may decide more children are not for him and the OP- with her questionable attitude to one child families- will be back to square one.

An ultimatum-aka blackmail- is a terrible idea. Best to take a view, call it quits, then find another way to live the life she wants.

Same. I’m shocked.

I’m so sorry OP but I think you need to have a frank honest discussion and decide whether it’s more important to you to be with this man or whether to have children.

Please do not have kids with a man who doesn’t really want them. It is awful for your children and will expose every flaw in your relationship. You deserve better than to be tied to a man was never going to be in trenches of it all with you.

The next decision will be the most important one you will ever make.

Agree - please dont have a child if this is how you feel OP

Dont put that burden on a child, they will always feel the 'sad, not good enough' vibe

Yes, OP hasn't covered herself in glory with that comment about having just one child.
So here is a silver lining for you, OP. You know already what if feels like to have a child, and you did not have to put up with all the hassle of the pregnancy!

I don't know why you have been so passive and just waited. You need to take responsibility and take action.

I had DD at 35 and went through premature menopause soon after. time is NOT on on your side. If you want children than give your husband an ultimatum-you either come off the pill now or you leave him and go it alone. I also wouldn't wait around to maybe meet someone else but look into donors.

Have you spoken with him about it since your OP? It must have been a terrible shock. Honestly you need to take action now, and have a proper discussion with him. I couldn't forgive the deception here, but you're able to make plans now.

On the timing front, two plus children at 37 plus isn't unusual for my circle (London) as many are only having theirs in late thirties and early forties. I got pregnant at 36 and 38, and many of my friends have had no issues into their forties. But obviously fertility is very individual and some people will be entering peri or will struggle. I would get fertility testing if you aren't in a position to try with your husband soon

He’s strung you along for years over this. Don’t let him do it for another X amount of years. Tell him he needs to decide asap.

IME it’s not unusual for men to have doubts about having children. Often they end up being devoted fathers. Sadly, I know a few childless women whose husbands didn’t want children until they went off with someone else and miraculously had a change of heart.

I think you need to say that you do want children, and you would like it to be with him, but if that isn’t to be the case he has to realise that it’s a dealbreaker. You can’t and won’t wait three years, compromising your chances of having a baby, only for him to decide he doesn’t want them when it’s too late for you to have them with someone else.

Make no mistake, the reason he doesn’t want children is because it will jeopardise the nice comfortable life he currently has. He needs to know change is coming anyway, either with or without you.

Saying that having one child is just as sad as having none is so stupid, I’m sorry - don’t know where to start. I have friends who are childless not by choice (including one by marriage - husband refused to have children), what they wouldn’t give to have one child and become a mum.

At 37 your fertility is already declining rapidly. You need to make the choice.

In my book this is absolutely unforgiveable. To say he wouldn't mind starting a family in 3 years is basically him holding out until your fertile years are nearly over and hoping you don't get pregnant. It might not even be possible to conceive then. I had fertility testing at 34 when experiencing secondary infertility and despite being perfectly healthy I had significantly diminished ovarian reserve. There was no reason for it, but if I had waited until 37 or 40 to conceive, it might not have happened. I don't really understand how you could've waited until 37 though when you've been married for 8 years and together for 14. It sounds like maybe you don't want kids that much either?

Also, a loving partner doesn’t wait until you’re 37 to break the news when he knows how much it matters to you. He doesn’t want children - with YOU.

Be prepared for him to wave goodbye, find a younger girlfriend and have a baby in quick succession in the next few years. Unfortunately there are too many examples of this. Whatever decision you make needs to consider this possibility.

That sparked a thought. Could he know he is infertile, and chosen to hide that from OP?

I had 9 miscarriages and one healthy pregnancy. I can promise you that for some people the blessing of a healthy child can outweigh any of your concerns about having one child and can make you completely resilient to the small stuff in life (like whether you have 1 or 2 kids). You want a child - go for it - let what happens after that sort itself out.

I've been reflecting on the 'one is worse than none' statement, which I do wonder if OP added to stir the pot.

And it just keeps making me giggle at the utter stupidly.

Saying that is so crazy honestly.

OP had no qualms about offending and upsetting the millions of parents with one child, either by choice or otherwise.

This is cruel to say... but having seen the pain that statement has caused on this thread, OP? Later tonight, may all of us who have just one poor lonely single worthless pointless better-off-not-existing child think of OP, her panic and terror at having thrown away some of her last fertile years on a future-faker, while we kiss our beautiful child goodnight. The child that made us a parent. That opened up an entire world from no children to a child.

It's almost as if eldest children don't suddenly gain their value and worth when a younger sibling is born. Funny, that.

My ex did this to me for years. We split up. He then had two children with his new partner.

It took me five years to get over him and I had my one and only at 40 (plus four mcs).

If you want a child you need to leave now. Have a fertility check up. Have one by yourself if you have the means. Several women I know have done that with donor sperm and have no regrets.

What he is doing to you is unkind, but you can take back control.

Also, one child is absolutely fine.

I would tell him that I'm certain i want children and next Monday we are going to start trying to conceive or I'm filing for divorce.

And I'd make sure to secure the appointment so he knows you're serious.

I'm sorry OP, this is rough. It's horrible to consider but I think the only realistic perspective here is that he has intentionally delayed until he thinks you are going to struggle to have children, which is pretty abysmal behaviour.
Of course everyone is different but you really do want to start trying now if you want kids. I think if you want to stay with him and van forgive the betrayal then you need to be giving an ultimatum- you either try right now or you have to leave, you don't have more time to waste on this man. You may need to cut your losses and go it alone if kids is what you really want.
I also understand you are upset and offloading here but I do think your comment about one child is extremely hurtful and also untrue! As someone who did IVF to have my kids and would have given anything in the world to have one healthy baby it was harsh to read- something to consider.
Wish you the best x

Op I am a bit shocked you let it get to this stage. I was set on having only one child from age 24 (I married at 22). I am 32 years old. When I was 30, I realized that despite unprotected sex for 8 years I wasn't getting pregnant and we needed to actively try ASAP if we wanted a child at all as 34 was my cut off, 37 at a pinch.. nhs ivf could take 2 years waiting time so full steam ahead..indeed I didn't conceive even after 1 year of tracking and embarked on fertility investigations.After 9 years of marriage/unprotected sex at 32 I fell pregnant last October naturally and just after I got my GP to refer me to UCLH. DH has just arranged for a vasectomy which I am grateful for. We are truly one and done and in agreement.

Obviously he is an arsehole but I was panicking that I would never be a mum at 30 when I wanted one child. And you are saying 1 child is the same as having no children..and you are 37?! Obviously it's different for those who are single as there isn't much they could do or say but how could you not have asked him every single year why are you not trying if you wanted 3 children? I am aware you asked him but didn't you realize after a while it was a delay tactic. Given you have been married for 8 years?! Perhaps he thought you were on the fence yourself.

I’m sorry , but after 14 yrs together it should have been self explanatory

Do you really think that kind of blackmail is the best basis for conceiving a child and then raising him or her in a stable, loving home? How selfish.

Rather than try to force his hand, the OP should probe to find out if he actually wants a child. If not, then separate and find someone who actually wants the same thing.