I am a narcissist

[ohyesido]

I am. But I'm not a horrible person.

I lack empathy but I've learned that it isn't nice to manipulate people.

Yet I still do, only in such a way that no one can ever really accuse me of it. Because I twist my words to indicate that I have everyone's best interests at heart.

Everything I do is calculated to ensure I get my own way while maintaining a facade of good intentions

Can anyone relate?

This is what I was going to follow up with.

@Anonforthisofcourse does your life feel exhausting putting on a fake persona 24/7.

the reason I mentioned Psychopathy wasn’t to be rude btw either it does sound like from what you have said having no feelings for people that this is what I would have presumed.

but I concur with the above, what made you want to get married and have children as I would imagine this becomes even more exhausting as you have to constantly amend your natural behaviour.

Cross posted. Thank you for your answer Anonforthisofcourse

You cannot be a narcissist without having a PD.

People like you just use the term incorrectly when labelling someone with narcissistic traits a narcissist.

And yes the word does come from a Greek myth but not sure what that has to do with it not being a PD.

Cross posted too thank you @Anonforthisofcourse. I think it would be very interesting if you started an AMA thread. You come across as very self aware which I actually admire. I didn’t mean to hijack OPs thread but you came across as the most interesting poster and I have ever come across. I have never heard anyone speak of their children in such a manner which of course shocked me but also intrigued me - (it’s hard how we come across in text but I’m not trying to poke the bear or be in any way nasty - just hope that came across).

I am actually pleased you have been able to share albeit anonymously on a forum.

I sort of DO see what you mean, though I can't relate. The idea of my husband and daughter being replaced is the stuff of sci-fi horror! Its the stuff of nightmares. Being intimate with someone just to feel adored, carrying a child and giving birth to maintain that. There are surely easier ways! I can't imagine how your husband and children wouldn't have noticed.

Again, only answering for myself but getting married, having DC etc is just what people do. Its part of presenting normality to the world- as is obvious from this thread people don't like difference.
As for having DC I did it because DH wanted to and like being married to him, he makes me laugh, we have fun together and my life is easier with him than without him. Plus small children tend to adore you and its nice to have mini versions of yourself and when people admire them they are sort of admiring me since I created them. Also, I was fed up of working and fancied a few years off.
I think I do love my DC, I feel for them in a way I don't feel for anyone else.

I think the problem with socio / psychopathy is that the sample size is based on prison populations. It is theorised that there are many more people actually functioning in society - usually in positions of power - who fit the bill but without the ‘anti social’ part. My own personal thoughts on this are that some people just lack empathy almost entirely, but have no real desire to commit crime, and direct their poor impulse control towards things which benefit them, or which aren’t seen as dangerous (investments, or gambling for example).

I have almost no empathy and it is quite a lonely place. I imagine many people notice I’m off a beat during conversations about, say, a loved one’s death or personal misfortune. I don’t think I come across as disingenuous though - I’m pretty good at giving the right reaction, just a split second later than most.

I too would love an AMA from @Anonforthisofcourse

I have worked with many people who have PD including psychopaths but I find they tend to say what you think they want to hear (especially as it’s in a criminal justice context).
So it would be very interesting to hear it anonymously.

Many of them play normal, not even necessarily because they’re manipulative but sometimes just because they want to be normal and fit in.

And I often wonder if many of them get married and have kids, purely to play the role of being normal.

Most of us who didn’t feel affection towards others would stay single and not have children out of fear of giving them attachment issues, but in their minds a normal person gets married and has kids, so that is what they do.

Yes, when people are sad etc I have to quickly think how I should be expected to react. I didn't used to as a child and people noticed.
When I was about 15 something awful happened at school (not to me directly) and my Mum was the ONLY parent who was called to come to school because my lack of reaction was taken as me being so upset I was unable to react but I was just not too bothered. Everyone was crying and hugging and I was just thinking "well thats a shame"

Unforunately you’re just incorrect. NPD is NPD. A narcissist is simply a narcissist - ie they have narcissistic traits. It is misused a lot online to reference someone with NPD which is popularly believed to be much more common than it is. You can call someone with NPD a narcissist - but it does not follow that anyone who could be describe as a narcissist has NPD.

OED does not define a narcissist as referring solely to a sufferer of NPD.

I think this is similar to how @Anonforthisofcourse has answered, and it’s actually understandable (albeit not relatable for me).

I think you are correct there are ‘normal perceived ways of certain behaviours and social constructs and people don’t like to upset the status quo.

I think when the likes of you and Anonforthisofcourse speak so openly and objectively and honestly rather than to goad PP it becomes a much more fascinating conversation and helps us to understand how different people function.

Oh poor op. She so wanted to be special but everyone just wants to hear from @Anonforthisofcourse!

it feels quite good to be able to say it really.
don't worry about coming across 'nasty' or having a go. With the best will in the world it really doesn't bother me what anyone says. so even if someone later on does come on actually trying to be rude then I wouldn't care. i would probably enjoy responding to them in a way that I knew would enrage them.

re people must have noticed, I genuinely don't think they have. they give no indication that is the case. they want to spend time with me, they seek me out, they tell me I am kind, thoughtful, nice. always thinking of others, heart as big as a bucket is a phrase that has been used . give you the shirt off their back is another.

I have spent my whole life perfecting this person because I need to present this person to all the people I encounter in life. the reason? i enjoy praise. i need people to do things for me. i need money.

That is a definition for narcissistic traits but not a scientific definition.

Look up catfish - we know that catfish is a type of fish but the other type of catfish has now been added to the dictionary.

People who fake themselves on the internet aren’t actually fish. It’s not a scientific term.

It says that they have a grandiose view of one’s own talents but again we know that this isn’t always true.

People will call someone a narcissist for having narcissistic traits but considering we all have narcissistic traits, you cannot be an actual narcissist without having a PD.

I’m not sure why you think your opinion is right and everyone else on this thread is wrong.

You’ve not said how long you’ve been practicing psychology or psychiatry which leads me to believe you don’t have any professional training or experience in it at all.

I had similar. I’ve also worked in an environment where people find it hard emotionally (due to things I won’t go into for fear of outing myself) and I was actually spoken to because I had zero reaction, even made a joke and went back to my work while one colleague was hysterical and others were upset / dealing with the trauma. 🤷🏼‍♂️

Part of the problem is that some people are so empathetic that they struggle to understand some of us make decisions based on what we can get out of it. In my place of work, I have to feign certain reactions because being cutthroat is seen as extremely negative, but actually it is what makes me good at my job; I lack the empathy of most but strive for the best for myself, so the results are the same - if not better - than those who do it for the greater good.

I am told I ‘wear my heart on my sleeve’ which is amusing because almost no one knows what I am really like; I am quick to enrage and have poor impulse control (I’ve taught myself to think before I act), but I think the fact most people can’t read me whatsoever says a lot about how astute the majority of the population actually is.

The last paragraph of @Anonforthisofcourse really struck a chord because this is exactly me. I’m a perfectionist. I don’t really care what people think in any way but I sort of do which I know is a contradiction, but I like being liked.

I am known as being brilliant in a crisis but I don't think anyone knows its because I am not bothered by most things.

That's an incredibly sensitive awareness for a narcissist. You are starting to sound like an empath.

Anonforthisofcourse and Hoppinggreen were you brought up by parents or a parent who was like this ?
Have you always been like this ?

Another aspect of narcissism seems to be about control. Do you need to have people under your control ? Would you just walk away from your loved ones if they figured out how you really feel ?

I've have lots of questions..

@Hoppinggreen I mentioned on the first page of this thread a similar experience I had with my SIL. I’m not a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist but human behaviour has always fascinated me and I enjoy reading about it. So, I had suspected something anyway, but her reaction time was very delayed with showing emotion to something I considered deeply sad. I think my surprised face (because of her lack of expression) alerted her to ‘act normal’ and she seemed to go over the top with her reactions.

I always felt for her though, because I knew it wasn’t something she created herself, but she was a very challenging person to be around. She’s very successful, likely because she felt no remorse stepping on many to get to the top but she gets bored very easily and moves on.

Like a PP said, it’s interesting to hear about yours (and others) relationship to loving your kids. I’m sure the feeling you have is love, it may feel dull because of differences in your brain structure, but I sense it’s love nonetheless and the best way you know how to love.

Answering the loving kids question, although only for myself: I genuinely love my children, although I have nothing to compare it to. I love my husband too. He is very similar to me actually. We are very affectionate and emotionally open with our children, but both of us actively teach empathy to them. I think my learned empathy is so good because of how I was parented myself. One of our children is a true empath and the other is very similar to us; that one is the one we focus a lot of our attention on - giving them a strong moral code

My Dad was a textbook Narc and I am not sure about my Mum but I suspect she was very like me, everyone thought she was wonderful but she didn't have any close friends. I never felt she loved me, only took pride in my acomplishments.
I DO need to be in control of everything, I panic a bit if I'm not. I tend to make sure I am at the centre of things, especially relationships. I only really love The DC and (probably DH) but sometimes I wonder if thats because they are part of me if that makes sense. I am prone to emotional blackmail/manipulation but I genuinely don't want my DC to grow up to be like me because I know how hard it is sometimes so I try to encourage them to be more like DH. I see a lot of myself (and my brother) in DS and its not what I want for him - although I must admit I occasionally feel some pride when he behaves in a way I recognise.
I know that some of my thoughts and feelings aren't "right" and I put a lot of effort into not being myself if that makes sense.

@Ladyluckinred
The DC are as close as I am ever going to get to loving someone and I am pretty sure they feel loved.
My job involves very intense but very short superficial relationships and i am VERY VERY good at it, my clients think I am wonderful

We should be careful about saying narcissists love their children. The reality is that they do a lot of damage psychologically to children, which they do not see because they do not have empathy. The cruelty of narcissists to children is unbelievably awful. The children suffer terribly, either becoming narcissists or being horribly victimised and developing psychological problems.

Narcissists will of course not admit this, and will say that does not happen or it's someone else's fault.

I would take these claims about love and good relationships with a pinch of salt. Really, if someone is a narcissist, they are pretty much lying all the time.

I’m not claiming to be a narcissist though, and I’m not sure the other posters the questions have been directed to are either. I think this thread has shown that there are the odd few of us who have tendencies towards sociopathy which we largely hide from society. I know that wasn’t what the OP was saying, but the last few posts have been more in that vein than the OP’s claims of narcissism