DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

Its beyond belief people suggest to assault and traumatise your kids further after they've been bullied. Surely that's illegal

We've had a similar picture - about 85%. So not totally school refusal but similar reasons to what you've said. We have eventually seen improvement. ( now year 10) I'll tell you what we've done.
DH cycles with her to school on his way to work - it smoothes the transition a little
Sometimes DH has to leave without her - we try and strike the balance between telling her this will happen so that she can choose to come and not making it into some kind of threat / ultimatum.
Keeping the morning routine as low demand as possible.
She has her own radio alarm.
She responds best to DH's approach so I try not to get involved as it's too many voices in the morning.
If she refuses to go we switch off her phone for the day and she is not allowed on tech while at home (unless genuinely ill) - I've been known to take internet router with me in the car to work.

School have got strict about arriving on time. We don't make a big deal out of that.
School have put various things in place to support her while in school. They have tried to get the right line between holding a boundary and allowing a bit of flex.
We have done some rewards that have helped for a while until they don't. We don't make a big deal when they don't work.

No!!

He needs to rest and recover. He’s in burnout, that’s why he doesn’t want to go.

And then when he’s ill make him feel even shitter by telling him it’s his fault that you will use your job.

My dd wouldn’t even leave her room at her worse. They need low demand, not ‘structure’

We couldn’t even ask her what she wanted for tea. If would freak her out. We just used to give it her.

Burnout is an illness not a skiving opportunity.

I’ve had very similar with my 12 year old daughter (ASD).

She just could not cope in school. I honestly believe if I had “forced” her as some of these posters suggest, she would have taken her own life eventually.

If you have never been here, you cannot possibly understand. The sleepless nights, the stress, the worry. Feeling like a failure, being terrified of fines and court, watching my child become an absolute shell. She was in burnout, and I now home educate her. She is absolutely thriving, and enjoying learning again.

The school environment does not suit all children, no matter how much you “force” them. My other daughter (NT) has just entered year 11 and is doing well in school, so I’m quite certain it’s not my shitty parenting to blame.

Education isn’t optional. School is.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Agreed. We had a home visit from the school attendance officer when my daughter was in burn out. I was amazed she even came down stayed from her room. The attendance officer told her that I would be fined and could go to prison if she didn't go into school.

She could have said that. Or she could have offered her £1000

The end result would have been the same. Ie Not going into school. Because she couldn't.

OP, I hear you. 14 year old son, ASC, out of school for a few months now. It’s really tough. Senco has been great with trying to make adjustments but he cannot go. Try and reframe it, can’t not won’t. Kids do well when they can.
OP if your son has been out of school 15 days this school year (not necessarily consecutively) you could ask about alternative provision?
My son is year 10, finally found his tribe at secondary and is desperate to get back to being with them, but he cannot get out of the door, it’s so upsetting to see.

I’ve tried all the usual ‘punishments’ they don’t work and isolate the child further.

All I can say to those that think it’s as easy as the kid should do as they are told…I used to think the same. You’ve no idea. Please listen to the OP and other parents that are sharing experiences with you. There are some unbelievably ignorant comments here, like I say I felt that too until the same hit my doorstep.

My other child has 100% attendance, both parented the same.

Best of luck xx

Exactly. I've taken out my 11 year old and my choice is home education.

Replying to comments about removing screens
We have done that for the day of missed school only. I do it because if she needs time to recover mentally, she also needs time away from phone. I try not to make it sound like punishment. Very often though, she will get going by about 11am.

For all the screen policers on here.

EBSA is a serious long term illness. If ignored it can lead to chronic fatigue or permanent burnout. The only way to recover is reduce all demands. This allows the brain which has become inflamed by years of over adrenaline production by trying to fit into a NT environment to recover its normal state.

Screen removal makes no difference. You might as well try and remove hair or something for the difference it makes.

My friend has a son in a similar position. What she did was allow him a certain number of days off a term for no reason other than he felt that he really needed one. He knew that once they were used up, there would be no more. It allowed him some control to know that if he was really struggling, he could take a day off. He understood the limits and the rules were clear so there was no negotiation. That has helped him.

This is a load of unscientific claptrap.

l was told this by the Doctor of Pyschology (specialism autism) who saw my dd every fortnight at the children’s ND unit attached to our children’s hospital. She also saw parents.

This was also backed up by her boss also a doctor of Pyschology who appeared on the many Teams meeting we had with school.

Furthermore it is in the RCP literature on autism.

@JoyousGreyOrca

Do you mind me asking what first hand experience you have of parenting a neurodivergent child with EBSA?

see the unscientific claptrap on here under Autistic burnout.

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/autism-and-mental-health

What worked in the end and what did he end up studying? (Have been here too btw w school refusal, unbelievably stressful).

https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/docs/default-source/improving-care/better-mh-policy/college-reports/college-report-cr228.pdf?sfvrsn=c64e10e3_2

And also here page 27. It talks about an ‘inate change’

What evidence do you have for your scientific study on claptrap?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Thanks for posting this. The section in this claptrap on burnout describes exactly what happened to my DD over a period of 18 months. That's when her depression was at its worst and the 3 suicide attempts happened.

But no. Apparently it's not real.

More ignorance.

I would love to just drop my daughter, not take no for an answer. Endure the violent meltdown on the way there whilst trying to safely drive.
All this on minimal sleep as she is so anxious the night before and no reassuring, counselling, reasoning with her works.

Staff on arrival trying to coax her out the car.
May manage to get her in but an hour or so later I have to come and collect her as she just won't settle and is too disregulated by this point.

My ASD daughter is almost 16 now, high functioning. Verbal, masks extremely well till she can't.

It's so judgemental to assume the school refusers who actually get in are there just cause the parents are actually arsed to get them there !
Parents of ASD children generally need a break from their kids more than anyone and have and do try every trick in the book to make that happen.

I do hope your husband gets more training and experience of teaching and supporting ASD/SEN children as so clearly needed.

Excellent post, so agree with all this

I had pretty strict parents in some ways and wouldn't dare defy them
But I was a school refuser. Badly bullied and one day I just refused point blank

Luckily my parents saw that it wasn't like me at all and I ended up ironically in a PRU with pupils that had been expelled... a lot of them for bullying

I was petrified of going back into that environment but the PRU helped massively as it was basically a metal cabin and totally different. Eventually I was ready and went back to a different school in year 9

I'm not the "typical" school refuser I guess, am NT, went to college and uni, good GCSEs, private school but it could happen to anyone for a variety of reasons

OP you haven't half had some well meaning drivel on this thread. I did chortle at the suggestion of woodworking classes :D Luckily I'm at the stage of at least dark humour, but it's been an incredibly stressful and emotional few years, and unless someone has personally experienced similar I would take their input with a very large helping of salt.

Everyone's experience will be different, but if you ever have the opportunity to get yourself in a room with a bunch of parents of ND secondary age kids, you'll find a lot of common themes and it's absolutely not as a result of permissive or ineffectual parenting, as evidenced not least by the large numbers of us with older/younger NT siblings with great attendance.

As to the suggestion of dropping them off and driving away without ceremony - praise be, our problems are all solved! Give me strength.

Don't mind the rubbish here OP. I see you. Keep doing the next right thing. Listen to your kid and be their advocate. I remind myself daily, if my kid is safe, I'm doing a good job.

This thread has given me the actual RAGE!

We’re sitting at about 32% attendance. Can’t, not won’t. Fell for the ‘just force them in’ strategy in the beginning and caused so much trauma I didn’t even recognise my girl anymore. And she still didn’t go.

When she does manage some she spends the entire time in ‘fight or flight’ mode until she can get back out again so likely isn’t gaining anything from it anyway. Has refused to engage will pretty much all therapy options. I can’t ‘make’ her engage with therapy any more than I can ‘make’ her go in to school.

Schools don’t know what to do. They can offer a billion reasonable adjustments but that still doesn’t make the school environment suitable for every child.

Parents going through this will have tried EVERYTHING and spent hours/ days crying, despairing and researching for other options of things to try. To be told it’s their fault and that they made terrible parenting choices from an early age is neither helpful or respectful.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. You’re not alone and at the end of the day your child’s mental wellbeing has to come first.

A lot of these parents would have been told by people like grandparents when the child was 3 and doing what they wanted that they were letting their child down by not parenting them with boundaries but they would have either went "NC" or assumed they knew better. Now they're at the point their kids are paying for their mistakes by not getting an education for themselves which will likely cause issues for life in one way or another.

@JustAskingThisQ what a ridiculous post. Have you read a single post from parents on this thread absolutely despairing about school refusal. Or are you just blowing hot air out of your… mouth?