DS school refusal is driving me mad

[VerityUnreasonble]

I'll start this I guess by saying I'm not expecting any magic solutions, I'm mostly just having a moan.

DS is in year 7, we've had issues with him refusing school for the last 3 years. His attendance hovers around 85% which was much the same in year 6, it was slightly better in year 5.

DS has a diagnosis of ASD, he is academically very able, socially not so much but he's not upset by this.

Reasons he currently refuses to go in are:

He's tired (probably true - he is under sleep clinic and prescribed melatonin, also slightly defiencient in vitamin D and B12 which he is being treated for)

He doesn't feel well (sort of true - usually means he has a slight cold)

He has to go too much / there are too many days in a school year (this is his major reason at the moment, he doesn't want to go because he doesn't like it and feels he has to be there too often)

It starts too early (he will occasionally go in slightly later or for the afternoon)

There are various lessons / things he dislikes (sports/ presentations etc. - contributes to some days being worse than others)

Have tried both carrot and stick approach, the only thing he's really fussed about is access to his tech but even using that as a bribe / punishment isn't effective. Have tried reasoning and talking, he can explain very eloquently the reasons he should go, and even wants to go, he just still doesn't.

I'm missing bits of work, being late, having to rearrange things. I'm stressed about it all the time. School have requested a meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss "how to improve things" but honestly I have no idea.

I just have no idea how things are going to get better!

I think this poster is obviously goading, don’t rise to the bait.

Reported.

Fair point ❤️

@Postapocalypticcowgirl's post is really helpful from the teaching point of view.

As a teacher I've seen this play out a number of times. Over 50% and you can do something.

Yes, comments like this were the ones I was referring to.
Jeez.

Just stand firm! He goes to school every school day like it or not just as you go to work. You certainly can't start messing up your own work situation for his poor behaviour. You are heading for complete disobedience from him if you let him get away with this behaviour and he is too young to be calling the shots. You wavering and letting him stay home is eroding boundaries.

I haven't read the 10 pages of the thread as it'll be full of parents of neurotypical children giving advice that isn't helpful. Using a carrot and stick approach isn't going to help. You can't punish a child with ASD for refusing to go to a place that does not support him or his needs. Speak to the staff and SENCO - what are they doing to accommodate him? Do you understand all his Flashpoints? You need to fully understand and advocate for this child. Would he be better off in an autism unit, either standalone or in a mainstream school.
I say this as the parent of an autistic child who dropped out of school in year 8 due to lack of support. Had to homeschool because no suitable places were available. He then had a limited amount of schooling in his teenage years. Again, an extremely intelligent child who just could not cope with being the square peg in a system full of round holes.

😂😂😂😂😂yeah that works with ND kids. Dunno why op didn’t think of it herself really🙄

This is just the type of bullshit advice I'm referring to. This person obviously knows nothing about autism. Your child is not been naughty

An idiotic comment from yet another person who knows nothing about autism

More ignorance

I'm in same situation with my ASD/PDA dd12. Wheels completely came off at secondary school and for her own mental health and mine I removed her from school. She has an EHCP but all specialist schools are full or say they cannot meet her needs so I'm stuck. As a single mum I have to work and want to work so home education isn't an option. She has a lovely tutor but only for 3 hours per week.

Ignore all the crappy advice from people on here who clearly have no clue whatsoever. Unless you have battled a screaming, crying, extremely distressed child every morning you have no idea of the horrors.

@Joystir59 it is really not that simple. If I had done that with my now 12 year old last year it is not hyperbolic to say there is every chance he would not be with us now. His mental health was in such a state that what you are advocating could very well have pushed him over the edge - I can 100% say it would have caused him to self harm and a lot of mental harm.

it isn’t being disobedient he would have like nothing more than to join in his year 6 like everyone else - he still gets sad that he didn’t - but he couldn’t.

boundaries weren’t eroded more rebuilt as I learnt what was and wasn’t possible to encourage and what he needed to do to get better.

i don’t think of his 80% attendance as anything other than a success - I am also becoming aware that for now this is the level of attendance he can comfortably manage and so far the school understand that. He needs those days to rest recuperate and get his head back. Pushing coild cause a setback so I am not risking it.

this is me being firm - firm that I want him to listen to himself and that is working well

I am also aware I am incredibly lucky - lucky that so far he is managing to be happy in the world of school interact with people and do the work. But also so lucky that we now have a relationship of trust and understanding that wasn’t eroded at the start of this journey by how awful I was and his primary school m
and that I can work freelance so it can all be arranged around him

l just wonder if all these parents who think we should push are kids in would do the same if their kids felt the following:

Extreme unremitting exhaustion and brain fog ( my dd became unable to read and still hasn’t fully recovered that 4 years later. She also at times became unable to talk)
Severe anxiety and depression
Increase in sensory issue. Inability to tolerate light and sounds
Imability to tolerate social interaction of any kind as it’s too exhausting.

Bet they all have perfect MN kids. Sporty, skinny, sociable, doing STEM. Kids who are never unwell. What a perfect world eh?

Well, DS has gone to school today and it will cheer some people up to know that I was in fact an incredibly bad parent this morning.

After waking him up, making breakfast, sorting the dog out, making his packed lunch, I thought I'd just go lie back down for 2 minutes. DS came and woke me up at 8.10 to ask if I was ready to leave

He was then very amused by my rushing about getting shoes on and said "I did wonder why you hadn't come and reminded me to get dressed" - he had of course managed this perfectly well without any reminders.

And I am successfully at work, spending my first 10 minutes grabbing coffee and catching up on Mumsnet.

Hope everyone has a good day!

Edit: the packed lunch was for DS, not the dog

Yeah @VerityUnreasonble , have you ever thought of just telling him he has to?

I did consider it but then I went for a nap instead

You did this all wrong, you were meant to demand he got ready for school, threaten to take everything off him if he didn’t so he would understand that you are in charge and would just comply with everything you said!

In all seriousness, I hope some of the advice on this thread has been useful and you and DS find a way through. At least you can breathe a bit easier for today.

Ahh yes this is bringing back memories of my DM's most helpful input at some of the most stressful times imaginable.

Just tell her she HAS to

Tell her it's against the law for her not to go and you could end up in prison

I think it's because she's not in bed early enough. Sleep is VERY important.

Along with the usual..

Why is she allowed to be in touch with / see friends if she won't go to school?

@VerityUnreasonble That is fantastic news!

On IPSEA’s website, they have a model letter you can use to request provision under section 19 of the Education Act 1996. The LA has a duty to ensure DD still receives a suitable full-time education. 3hrs tuition per week is not this.

Alongside this, request an early review of the EHCP. IPSEA also has a model letter you can use for this. Unless the school is wholly independent, the LA must name your preferred preference unless the LA can prove:
-The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs (“SEN”) of the child or young person; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.

Being full is not defined in law, and on its own being ‘full’ is not enough of a reason to refuse to name your preference. The LA has to prove the school is so full admitting DD is incompatible. There is a point the LA can do this, but the bar is higher than they and some schools admit. Unless the school is wholly independent, the LA can, and must, name the school regardless of the school’s objections unless they can prove one of the reasons above. You only need an offer of a place/the school to agree if it is a wholly independent school.
And if it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school, you can look at EOTAS/EOTIS.