School run comments in work

[gocompare]

In a meeting last month I said I wasn't available for Monday meetings at 3:00. I could do any other time before or after.

The most senior person in the meeting said "that sounds like a school run" I didn't really confirm or deny what it was.

It was said in a meeting full of men I was the only female if it makes a difference and I just feel off about it and I can't work out why but I don't think he should of said it.

Am I just being over sensitive as I have form for this.

why not just confirm yes

The point is that the comment wasn’t appropriate and could actually be viewed as sexist - OP was the only woman in a meeting full of men. Would he have said that to another man ? I would re-clarify the arrangement with the line manager and ask if there is a specific reason this comment was made. If there’s no issue with the timing then if there is another similar comment, shut it down by confirming that it’s been approved, is in your own time, and has been in operation several years without a problem.

how many comments have there been?

@JoyeuxNarwhal
Maybe it was, I don't know. I have form for overthinking anyway so maybe it was.

If you’ve agreed this with your boss I’d actually pick this up with them. This is a real dick move from whoever said it. Your arrangements are yours only. It is very unprofessional to pass comments like this in a professional setting and feels like a deliberate attempt to undermine someone.

Was your boss in the meeting? Could you mention it to them and let them know it made you feel very uncomfortable? As your boss I would definitely be taking it up with this person with a quiet word.

From what you have just quoted there was no judgement being made.

I might have said that (as a woman) to mean, ah, I understand, it’s a hard no around that time, I’m not going to suggest that again.

It’s not a big deal.

Why would you say you can't do meetings when you could as you have someone else who collects your child/children if you can't?

Being the only woman doesn't mean you are the only parent, maybe half the men finish at 4 to collect their children from after school clubs.

Lots of employers would take issue with wfh while children were home without childcare also in place so although his comment might seem offensive to you, he might have experience of issues with people wfh after the school run. I've seen people dismissed for WFH while caring for their children as they were disturbed by them during meetings affecting everyone.

To add, I was once in a meeting where someone went hard on one of my direct reports for not adjusting her external (medical!) appointment to accommodate a client and I absolutely nipped it in the bud. I even spoke to my own boss about it as I actually thought it was so unreasonable to publicly call someone out in a meeting and make them feel awkward and on the spot.

So he was correct then, what is the issue here? Why couldn’t you say yes it is the school run? What’s the comment about you being the only woman about? Did one of the men say the same thing and they did not get the comment?

sorry for all the questions but generally I don’t understand the issue.

I hear you OP- chances are he would not have made that assumption or comment if you were male.

I think you could have replied that you have a commitment clash and left it at that.

However, being allowed to take your lunchtime to do the school run is great and fine if agreed with your boss…..

BUT I would expect someone to be flexible with their lunch break to fit in with a meeting. That’s where this becomes an issue as you can’t if you are committed to the school run.

So it’s more than just using your lunch break how you choose. It is actively being unavailable during the working day which is an issue when wider teams are involved and trying to schedule meetings.

So I think I would have swallowed this one and said ‘ I have a commitment clash at 3pm but if that’s the time that suits the majority I will rearrange’ and then asked someone to get your kids that day or booked them into after school etc.

I agree with this.

the senior person said ‘sounds like you’re skiving’. But you’re not, as it as been agreed. You shouldn’t have to explain your work arrangements when there are others on the call. If he wants to question it, he should
ask your boss or HR.

All of this is beside the point - it’s agreed and OP’s been doing it for five years. The comment was inappropriate to the circumstances and akin to a put down. Employees who are parents have responsibilities outside work - how do you expect them to cope if you can’t be flexible ?

If 3pm was the only time available for the follow up meeting then I would skip school run that day and get someone else to collect that day. If they were looking for time suggestions and you just came out with not being available at 3pm then I fear you have put your self in this position.

FWIW I’m a working parent, always booked wrap around care, not always used but there if I needed to.

Fascinating how many people leap into judgemental mode about 'permission' to do the school run.

I spent most of my working life in Central London with most colleagues commuting in, some for up to sixty miles away. I think one might have had school age kids and lived in Inner London. She didn't have a school run by then but was often on her mobile to her sons to ensure they went straight home and di not get into mischief.

More recently, in the charitable sector and with people working from home, an unpaid break, perhaps hived off from what's required during 6+ hours work, to get the kids is commonplace.

The person making the comment was perhaps a wee bit tactless but then again it might have been me too empathy.

I was going to say this - I do the school run most mornings. If I'm in the office, I'm clear that I can't do any meetings before 9.30 for that reason. I am relatively senior in my team and I do it so that more junior people (men and women) feel like they can have flexibility too.

Inappropriate comment for the professional setting and designed to undermine. That’s the issue. Didn’t have to be said at all and had it been a male member of the team, it probably wouldn’t have been.

Sorry for the entire quote.

the reason it feels off to you is because it is…

1. It was a male superior
2. meeting was entirely male except yourself
3. making an in appropriate comment about you not being able to make a specific time slot
4. making a comment that, let’s face it, he wouldn’t make to a male colleague

The issue is that he feels he can point this out in a sort of ‘eye-roll’ way, which in turn suggests you are being difficult or unable to do your job because of your children. That is misogynistic and sexist at the most subtle level. That’s why it feels off.

however, you are doing the school run and that’s been agreed - so no issue with you doing it.

in your next one to one maybe raise it with your manager (if you have a good relationship), just in a ‘it made me feel uncomfortable and I want to check that the arrangement is still acceptable’ kind of way.

I guess the implied question is, are you then fully focused for the rest of your working day or also parenting kids who are home from school at the same time.

He may have just made an off the cuff comment, he may have been annoyed you couldn't make that time. Trying to be clever etc. I'd try not to dwell and forget about it. Perhaps don't be so explicit in the future. You could take control by saying you are happy to sort a date and time (then you can avoid school run 😆).

How are you unavailable for meetings after 3 if you’re just doing the school run in your later lunch break? Surely you’re free for meetings from 3:30, or 4 at the latest?

Not necessarily. If you start work at 9 am you have to taje your lunch break so it ends before 3. If you start at 8 you have to take it beside 2 (within the first 6 hours of working).
Working time regulations (or whatever they are called now).

don't create waves, especially if it is true. Let it slide as your boss is ok with it. Make a fuss and anyone who wants to play politics will know 3pm Mondays is a good time to schedule a meeting they don't want you in.

I don’t get the issue. You have agreed with your manager that you can do the school run on Mondays 3pm. Why not just say yes I do the school run at that time on Mondays. You have nothing no to hide, it’s all agreed. I do the same, I just say it’s school run time and no one cares. They know I’m available if it’s absolutely critical, and others say this too including men. I find that if everything’s transparent then there’s no issue.

I am. One school run takes 20 - 25 mins

What part of it is ridiculous?