My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

OP your kids are 6 and 12. What do you do at home all day? Surely you could have worked PT by now? And why all the childcare costs?

OP it sounds like you're not very financially literate and have left him with control of all the finances, so suddenly being questioned on that will be a big change for him (whether that's a red flag or not is dependant on the other dynamics in the relationship).

If he has other properties, the 122k could well have come from re-financing them to buy this property, and get a better mortgage % as a result. It may not be "liquid cash", and also may be something he doesn't think you'll understand, and as you've not been involved before is frustrated this is now a huge deal when it's something he's dealt with on his own in the past.

How come you didn't know how much he earnt before? Have you ever sat down and discussed finances in detail in a none accusatory/day to day chat?

I agree with this. There's nothing to suggest he's doing anything untoward with his taxes and HMRC. Most landlords own properties in their own names, rather than through limited companies registered with Companies House. That's all perfectly legal.

If his tax returns show he has £150,000 worth of income that will be income from any employment and contract work AND the profits from his rental properties.

As PP have said, it's quite common for BTL investors to extract the equity from one property to use as a deposit to buy another (https://www.onlinemortgageadvisor.co.uk/remortgages/remortgaging-property-to-buy-another/#:~:text=Yes%2C%20remortgaging%20one%20property%20to,be%20achieved%20by%20the%20property.) so it's not necessarily that he has £122k hidden away, rather he's remortgaged his other BTL properties to release the money, which he's then used to buy another property.

This is all done on the assumption that, ultimately, property values will go up.

If the market crashes, there's a lot of risk, but it's a reasonably secure investment otherwise with a potential for a lot of capital growth.

HOWEVER! OP and her husband clearly have a big problem in their relationship due to her husband's lack of transparency over their finances and his secrecy.

Why doesn't he want her to know?? If he continues to refuse to engage, that would be enough for me to be consulting with a divorce solicitor!

I ask him calmly and he gets angry.
I've now realised he's either lent or given money to his family.

Yes, I don’t understand where the worry about the tax man and losing her home is coming from.

Nor does it sound as if he was hiding anything. It did from the OP’s first post, but the more posts there are the less it seems that way. She knew he bought investment properties and meets the tenants.

it sounds more to me as if the marital split has always been that she takes care of the children and he sorts the finances. I know couples like that. She has perhaps therefore not been involved enough in the finances to understand how the property portfolio works, and when she came across a document showing one of the properties was bought with a deposit and not 100% mortgage as she’d previously assumed, it has triggered a panic.

It is of course concerning that when she asked about it he wasn’t forthcoming (and shouted iirc). But if she flew into a panic and accused him of hiding money and breaking the law and withholding from the tax man etc etc, he might just have been utterly bemused and defensive.

OP, if there is a chance that the above is indeed the case, perhaps sit him down calmly and say you’d really like to understand the family finances and how the property investments work. Not because you suspect him of anything nefarious, but because you’re his wife and it’s your future too.

if I’m wrong and he’s just a controlling twat, ignore me.

Are you a bit dim that you don’t understand that when I replied it was before the OPs enormous drip feed about her circumstances?? The thread is in chronological order in case you’re new here.

He's always refused to discuss money, budgeting, savings etc with me.
I had to register my interest in our marital home cos he wouldn't put me on the deeds unless I helped pay the mortgage.
The point is, I didn't accuse him of anything - I simply asked where the money came from for the difference in property cost and mortgage amount.
He didn't try to explain it to me, he exploded and said its his money and he can do what he wants.

I'm not panicking with him, I'm trying to ascertain facts calmly. Like a judge might.

Around £7,000 - £7,600 / month net depending how much pension he pays. That’s assuming this is from a salary and he pays income tax on that. If its earnings from a company he will likely pay less tax on that £150K / year

Some of DHs family are not from the UK and they seem to have a different approach to family money. My husband must have handed out thousands over the years. He does it with the best of intentions but it pisses me off really.

OP, are you sure the property is not something that's been bought in your husbands name but that sort of belongs to someone else?

OP. I agree with pp who have said play your cards close to your chest at first, I feel that you need to gather as much information,and seek proper advice about options to protect yourself, as you can before confronting him further. Scan documents with your phone and send them to a private email address, as he could start hiding even docs that involve you.

Because when you have more facts first, it will be easier to understand your rights and assess the answers to your questions if he is so reluctant to tell you what is normal average information about family finances. I don't think you can't have a real discussion with a shouter

You have to think of your future in this situation, whether you stay together or not.
You are both parents.Why can't childcare costs be split 50-50? Not splitting it means 100 per cent of childcare gets deducted from your salary - often makes the DW's salary seem worthless. But if it was split between PARENTS, then the DW salary has a value, can make savings and more importantly pay NI towards your pension, as well as keeping your skills current and keeping you independent with choices. Where does that leave you when the kids finish school? As you say, you've given up an income and an employment record for years to care for the kids, etc. Maybe work out the cost of that if he had to pay someone to do it.
I sincerely hope that you are still claiming child benefit (if eligible) because of the valuable NI contributions that are attached and that you have not been persuaded to give it up because it is more tax efficient FOR HIM.
His attitude is Victorian. There are loads of articles etc about how to organise couple's finance, this wouldn't be considered the best way.
I think getting real life, professional advice on your options of where to go on from here will help you make the best decisions for your future and your children and is your best best. I think it's more helpful to tell the kids about the situation, when you know what you want to do about it.

I would perhaps approach it with 'if you were to die tomorrow, what do I need to know to sort out your estate, and how can you minimise the loss in IHT to the government so our kids benefit. ' He sees it as 'his money', so will perhaps respond better.
Do you even have wills in place?
edited as I missed off: Does he have life assurance in place and who are the beneficiaries and ditto pension?

Arsenal, that's exactly the approach I've taken and he's fuming.
I don't get child benefit cos his income is too high. I told him that's exactly why it's our money and not his, cos his income is our income.
He won't do our wills either.

Bingo, why buy a property when the owner isn't on the deeds? What's the point?

I do agree with the others that say it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong from a legal standpoint.

However, not disussing finances with the OP is not ideal, and it sounds like a calm conversation is required.
Based on how panicked and unclear the OPs posts are, I suspect that she also came across like that with him, and so he got defensive.

This of course does not excuse not discussing finances, but I can see how things may have got to this point.

I'm going thru life policy & pensions. Another thing he might get angry about.
I don't understand all the emotion over it from his side - it's all statements of fact in black & white.
Nothing to hide from his wife unless illegal? Or being old-fashioned?

I sincerely hope that you are still claiming child benefit (if eligible) because of the valuable NI contributions that are attached

only for children under 12. So not applicable for OP.

I had to register my interest in our marital home cos he wouldn't put me on the deeds unless I helped pay the mortgage.

Yet he demands full-time childcare and domestic services, thus ensuring you can't pay the mortgage.

From what you've said so far, you're right - he sees you as a service provider, not a partner or in any way equal in rights or value to himself. Does he pay you an allowance? What happens if you need or want a new pair of boots or hairstyle?

I'm hoping you have some clued-up friends and family members to confide in.

OP, I'd advise you to find a part-time job or start some self-employed business, anything that you can do to pay your state pension contributions. There was a story not too long ago when a husband died quite suddently and gave everything in his will to his 5 adult kids and his brother. The kids demanded their share immediately, and the widow had to sell the house and move to a small flat. She was not even entitled to the house that she has lived in her whole life and apparently it was all perfectly legal. She had no idea, was utterly heart-broken and contested the will in the court, but lost. Some husbands are like this unfortunately, esp. from other cultures where they don't seem to value women that much except for childbearing and domestic services (like sadly in your case).

I can.spend money but I don't know how much there is. I buy in sales & outlets.
I'm too scared to book theatre trips etc for my children (like at Christmas) cos I don't know if we can afford it.
He's made me look an idiot and treats me like an idiot. I feel his family are laughing at me behind my back cos they get money from him that I know nothing about, yet our house needs repairing.

Butterfly, I'm scared that that's the case with him.
I feel deceived.
I can't go out at weekends cos I'm needed for childcare/housework.
Life policy and I'm not mentioned - other people benefit.Im in pieces like he's got a girlfriend.

I don’t get this attitude that one party in the marriage can keep money secret and it’s nothing to do with the other partner! You are married, you are a team. There should be no secrets. Especially financial! if you don’t want to be accountable to your partner as to where the money came from or where it’s spent you should remain single. If one person fucks up with finances, the consequences to the other partner can be catastrophic.

My ex did this and when I found out, I ended my marriage immediately. I was left almost penniless and had to basically start from scratch all over again in my 40s. My current husband is totally open and transparent about money. He’s happy for me to handle all of the finances. After my previous marriage I couldn’t have it any other way. It’s my one line in the sand.

sorry if this has already been mentioned. Bear in mind that if you get divorced, you are still entitled to half the equity in that flat. Doesn’t matter if your name isn’t on the deeds

Get a forensic accountant in now, the best one you can find. Your marriage is over op with this level of deception. Put together your paperwork and evidence. Do it now. This has all the hallmarks of someone planning to screw you over on a very well planned exit plan. Your instincts are correct re his family. Your children are old enough to cope. Please stop lamenting about the situation. The quicker you move, the better. Big girl pants on.

If we are wrong and he is well intentioned he can prove it.

"Speak openly and plainly with him about it"

You can not have an open and plain conversation with someone like this. He doesn't do open and plain, evidently.

Now he's acting as if he's the injured party and I'm being unreasonable.