My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

The only unreasonable thing is that you've suddenly decided to start asking about finances after over 15 years. So in some respects I can see his point - you've not been interested up to this point and happy to let him do his own thing. However, now you have asked, he absolutely should be able to give you whatever financial details of your household position that you want.

@TopshopCropTop

Multiplicationarithmetic · Yesterday 19:34

I've retained after years of being a SAHM.
I can't get enough work cos he refuses to do school run even once a week and childcare eats up what I earn.
……………………………………………

You posted at 19:46 so had ample opportunity to check all of OP’s posts before you stuck your boot in. Thought I’d return the favour. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don't stop asking but whatever you do... don't sign anything!!

Go through all the paperwork over the next few weeks without him knowing. He has no reason to think you will start now. If you need a forensic accountant I would start the ball rolling without him knowing you are planning to leave - this will give you access to all information. If you do a credit check in his name as well as your own on check my file as it shows all three credit reference agencies, this will show all money outstanding in debt. It is not ok that you have to turn to these measures - maybe have a think about that too . I wish you luck

Take photographs of what you have found and keep it somewhere he cannot find it. Do not tell him what you have found he will only bury it deeper. Start preparing yourself, you may need an emergency fund, if this is how he is treating you as his wife then i dread to think what he will be like if you or he decide to leave the marriage. Get your ducks in a row.

Good advice above.

"Now he's acting as if he's the injured party and I'm being unreasonable."

Big surprise. Professional advice on finance and legal options and keep your cards very close to your chest, given his attitude. Keep things calm as possible whilst you process all this. One step at a time. It's probably made you question everything and worry a lot about your future. These things take time to research and sort through. Also if you can find someone in real life like a counsellor to talk to about the relationship, that would probably help your stress levels too.

Also. No wills /life insurance is utterly irresponsible if you have children. Solicitors in England often run free will services for a small donation.. at various times. You might find some online locally when you get a chance. Get your own one done at least when you get a chance.

I tell my DC to get a financial advice update every five years or so. I wish there were more lessons in organising your own practical personal finance in schools. It's been a learning curve.

Maybe he’s getting his ducks in a row.

What makes you think he’s hidden money from the government?

You just dropped into the mix that you would have no access to his family trust.

It is commonplace that rich people protect their assets by placing them in trusts so that ex husbands/wives can have no access in divorce. It sounds as though this could be the case here. Indeed the Trust may date from well before you were married. He may well see it as 'nothing to do with you' as strictly speaking you are not included.

The properties you mention etc maybe are being held in trust for his family. He is managing them but they are not his as such. Maybe the property you live in, is in the trust as well? In which case if you divorce you will not get a share in it.

This would also explain why he is paying a lot of money out to his family members. That is the point of the trust to support them all - not you.

You need to get a FT job asap and contact a solicitor with experience of this field. You need to know the truth so you can plan appropriately.

I may have missed it but one way he could protect you is by him taking out a Whole of Life policy to give you a lump sum if he dies before you or at least a life assurance policy to give you a tax free income on his death while the children are young. It should be written in trust so that you would get it quickly, outside his estate and tax free therefore. It may even be better for you to take out the policy on his life ( he would have to agree) so that you pay the premiums and know is in force. (He may of course have already done this?)

Who is named on the life insurance policy - is it your children?

OP when you call abusive people out on their behaviour they either blow up in your face or they act like the victim or a combination of both. It's a form of manipulation and gaslighting, designed to confuse you and get you wondering if you're the problem, doubting yourself.

With some of them it's also because of the thought process of abusive people. Many believe they have the right to behave they way they are, they genuinely believe you are the one with the problem because they don't think they're doing anything wrong. So in their eyes they are the victim because you questioned them. It doesn't mean they're right! They're not.

Just look at the person who posted on this thread about hiding money from her husband. The flimsiest of excuses. Not wanting requests to spend differently. Thinking that because she doesn't trust anyone it makes her abusive behaviour ok. She doesn't even see it as abusive, but it is. If her and her husband have different spending priorities they should discuss it and come to a compromise. Not the one earning the most money hiding some from the other one in order to avoid having to have that conversation or do any compromising.

I want to sleep & sleep.
I thought the children and I were his family but we will never be equal to his family of origin. Is it cos I'm female? He thinks he's being entirely fair by not telling me.

Tell me, a part time job and full-on responsibility at all other times cos he's selfish? That's unfair. He's earning shitloads. He works Saturday and Sunday nights. Doesn't go out with me.

Mmm if it's a traditional family setup then all the women who married in are in the same boat as the OP

I can't go out at weekends cos I'm needed for childcare/housework.

What do you mean? Does he lock up the door?

Tell me, a part time job and full-on responsibility at all other times cos he's selfish? That's unfair. He's earning shitloads.

It doesn't matter what he earns. He is not sharing it with you, because he does not respect you. He won't respect you for as long as you don't earn. Your children are teenagers, they don't really need that much childcare. You can start working weekends in a supermarket while you're looking for a full-time job. Or do cleaning/ironing/walking dogs (simply post on your local Facebook page). If relatives asks you why you do this, just tell them the truth - that your husband doesn't give you any money and keeps you imprisoned in the house. You should not keep it all a secret. Or divorce him now and get 50% (but he could siphon the money out abroad, give to his family, etc.). You've got a very good advice on this thread. The worst thing you could do right now is do nothing.

He doesn't lock the door but will work ignoring the younger one, who phones me if I go out without him.
He doesn't respect me if I don't earn and puts obstacles in the way - like ignoring the children and not spending time with them so they call me not him.

Are you/your husband British? I’m wondering if there’s a cultural aspect here.

Both English.

But he has family overseas? What is his career? Have you spoken to him about the imbalance before? How did you think the marriage was before finding this out?

I've tried to speak with him so many times over the past 10 years. He gets angry/resentful every time.
I thought we were OK but obviously not cos he's not willing to discuss what he does with money.

I’m confused where his financial priorities lie @Multiplicationarithmetic. Who is named in the will and the life insurance policy…is it your children or is it his family of origin? Is there any financial provision for you?

What access to money do you have? Can you see what’s in the bank account?

Income goes into his own account.

Who is named on the life policy? Is there a mortgage life protection and who is named on it either?

He's 'lent' money to his family? Big sums?

Is it possible he's 'hiding' money in their accounts so you aren't entitled to half?#

2 policies.
1 of which I'm mentioned on.
He's also guaranteed a mortgage for his family without discussing it with me.
I have no idea what's going on.
Most recent paperwork is 2021.

A few thousand lent but again I don't know the full amounts.