Page 7 | My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

Multiplicationarithmetic · 2025-01-29T19:26:47+00:00

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers. I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount. I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it. I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation. Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell? It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

mnisawasteoftime · 30/01/2025 00:27

Because in a few years he won't need childcare, the DC will be old enough to look after themselves.

Does it really matter what he thinks though? You're not happy with the situation. That's what is important. You're skint, while he's got plenty of money so there's no need for you to be. You don't feel like his equal because he's not treating you as an equal. You want to leave due to this, which is fair enough.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/01/2025 00:30

Multiplicationarithmetic · 30/01/2025 00:24

I've got no idea who he's lent money to or if it's been repaid.
He's treating me like a nanny/housekeeper who can't question him.
I feel so stupid and ignorant but if i delve deeper I don't want to trigger a tax investigation.
I feel like crap. He's treating me like crap.

Again, because he needs you to STFU.

Dont worry about a tax investigation.

If he has tried to pull a fast one then its unlikely that he hasnt paid the appropriate tax as that would make his plan fall apart fast than a biscuit in a cup of tea. Owning several properties and having rental income, he would be very easily found out so it wouldnt be worth the risk to him.

JennyTals · 30/01/2025 00:30

Drug money ? Or money from crime ?

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/01/2025 00:32

And I am sorry to say that you will find out far worse than you have so far. This will be the tip of the iceberg, so I strongly suggest you get legal advice as fast as you can.....like tomorrow if possible. And confide in family and friends if you have them. You will need them xx

HolidayHappy123 · 30/01/2025 00:40

You sound very naive. 100% mortgages really aren't a thing and a substantial equity contribution is usually required, even more so on buy-to-let mortgages which require 25%-40%.

You say your DH has more than one property and it makes no sense for you to assume he didn't put in a cash lump sum.

user243245346 · 30/01/2025 00:42

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 19:32

Employed & freelance work.
A separation would involve a forensic acct if he conceals financial info.
The difference is the £122k between the cost of the flat and mortgage granted.

Yes that's normal. But was that the deposit or just current equity? On it's own this seems like an overreaction

Raynexxbow · 30/01/2025 00:51

Men get into situations and they bury their head. I know it's not good and it's not what we would do, but men are mostly conditioned to carry the burden and don't stress their wives.
He was probably to ashamed or embarrassed to tell you

HolidayHappy123 · 30/01/2025 00:51

It doesn't sound like you DH hid anything. You seem to have not understood how his property investments work.

HolidayHappy123 · 30/01/2025 00:55

And businesses do not have to be registered at Companies House. It's perfectly legal to own property investments with setting up a limited company.

mnisawasteoftime · 30/01/2025 01:03

HolidayHappy123 · 30/01/2025 00:51

It doesn't sound like you DH hid anything. You seem to have not understood how his property investments work.

Because he doesn't tell her anything. And blows up at her when she asks. Because he doesn't want her to know.

He's put her in a situation where she has no money. He won't do any school runs or childcare so she has to do it all. She works and her entire wage is taken by childcare costs. He's got pots of money and he's buying multiple properties with it instead of sharing some with his wife.

When he does have money spare that isn't being used for properties, he shares it with friends or extended family, supposedly in the form of loans. She has no idea how much or whether it's been paid back because he doesn't tell her.

She didn't even know that he owned this latest property. IDK whether she knew about any of the other properties before now, either. He works 7 days a week and she thought he was an employee/freelance, there's no mention of her knowing he was a landlord too.

This isn't about her understanding of his business affairs. This is about her being financially abused, controlled, deceived and wanting to leave the relationship.

EdithBond · 30/01/2025 02:23

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 19:34

I've retained after years of being a SAHM.
I can't get enough work cos he refuses to do school run even once a week and childcare eats up what I earn.

Are they his children?

If so, is paying at least half the childcare costs? If he isn’t, why does he think childcare is solely your responsibility?

Evidemment · 30/01/2025 02:59

Goodness this whole thread of OP's posts was wildly misleading. Why on earth would someone say yes when asked if they'd just found out their husband had a secret flat, knowing exactly what conclusions that would cause readers to jump to, when it turns out they know full well that the husband has multiple rental properties and they've even met some of the tenants.

I hate to mention it OP but is there any chance he's gotten annoyed when you've asked because he's already tried to explain the business model before? You keep mentioning taxes and losing your home etc but I can't see that you've run into any evidence that he's not paying tax appropriately and everything is shipshape? You didn't know/understand the full ins and outs but that doesn't mean he's (and therefore your family) in dire straits.. did you imply he was by your reaction?

caringcarer · 30/01/2025 03:58

I got a forensic accountant to get to the bottom of my exh's spending on OW from our business account and missing money from our joint too. Lots of money tens of thousands. A couple of years later I married him.

caringcarer · 30/01/2025 04:04

Agapornis · 29/01/2025 22:33

So he keeps paperwork in your home, and is out of the house 7 days a week? I would stop asking questions, and start making copies of everything.

This. Then if you do decide to divorce you will have evidence. Also make 2 copies and ask a trusted friend or family member to keep one of the copies for you because if he finds them in your home it won't be good.

Evidemment · 30/01/2025 05:05

mnisawasteoftime · 30/01/2025 01:03

Because he doesn't tell her anything. And blows up at her when she asks. Because he doesn't want her to know.

He's put her in a situation where she has no money. He won't do any school runs or childcare so she has to do it all. She works and her entire wage is taken by childcare costs. He's got pots of money and he's buying multiple properties with it instead of sharing some with his wife.

When he does have money spare that isn't being used for properties, he shares it with friends or extended family, supposedly in the form of loans. She has no idea how much or whether it's been paid back because he doesn't tell her.

She didn't even know that he owned this latest property. IDK whether she knew about any of the other properties before now, either. He works 7 days a week and she thought he was an employee/freelance, there's no mention of her knowing he was a landlord too.

This isn't about her understanding of his business affairs. This is about her being financially abused, controlled, deceived and wanting to leave the relationship.

Show quote history

Just one note here- OP has acknowledged she did know about the properties and she's met the tenants of this particular property so certainly was and has been aware it exists. Her previous "yes" when asked if she'd just found out was a bit misleading/a mistake. When you factor in that he hasn't particularly been hiding the landlord situation it does seem less sketchy at least.

IcyHare · 30/01/2025 05:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 30/01/2025 05:25

mnisawasteoftime · 30/01/2025 01:03

Because he doesn't tell her anything. And blows up at her when she asks. Because he doesn't want her to know.

He's put her in a situation where she has no money. He won't do any school runs or childcare so she has to do it all. She works and her entire wage is taken by childcare costs. He's got pots of money and he's buying multiple properties with it instead of sharing some with his wife.

When he does have money spare that isn't being used for properties, he shares it with friends or extended family, supposedly in the form of loans. She has no idea how much or whether it's been paid back because he doesn't tell her.

She didn't even know that he owned this latest property. IDK whether she knew about any of the other properties before now, either. He works 7 days a week and she thought he was an employee/freelance, there's no mention of her knowing he was a landlord too.

This isn't about her understanding of his business affairs. This is about her being financially abused, controlled, deceived and wanting to leave the relationship.

Show quote history

I doubt her entire wage is being taken by childcare costs for a 16 year old and a 12 year old and won't have been for quite a few years.

And the not knowing about the properties part now appears very unclear.

Or why the OP believes her husband hasn't been paying his taxes correctly and that they will lose their home in a tax inspection rather than having to sell any of his apparently multiple rental properties.

For all we know at this point the husband's business may even be in property speculation!

Turkeyneck101 · 30/01/2025 05:32

Are you sure he is'sending' the money to family and not just siphoning it off to hide from the tax man or you if you ever decide to divorce him. is it possible he is laying the groundwork for divorcing you? Working 7 days a week is excessive, are you sure he isn't involved with someone else ?

He sounds awful tbh.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/01/2025 05:32

SpringBunnyHopHop · 29/01/2025 22:21

People always encourage women to hide money/assets so what’s wrong with a man doing it?

People on here advise women who are being abused to try and save some money to help them leave the abusive relationship. They are advised to hide it from their husband for safety reasons.

2021x · 30/01/2025 05:38

OK OP you have had the adrenaline rush and the emotional wobbles, but it time to put your big girl pants on and get really angry.

He has lied to you a…. big one… that has affected your quality of life and ability to earn money to support yourself. He has acted in a way that he has put his own needs above his children. Tell him this.

Ttcpph · 30/01/2025 05:49

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 21:55

I didn't know he had the money for some of the purchase price.
I only found out about the property cos I asked him what's going on, I heard him talking on the phone.
I thought it was 100% mortgage like other properties he has

Hi OP, as far as I am aware, I don't think you can get a 100% mortgage on a property. Certainly buy to lets usually want a 20% deposit minimum was my understanding. I would therefore check the other properties.
if you can't find the documents, a relatively cheap land registry search can tell you how much the property was purchased for, and you can also search for the mortgage value at the time of purchase.

SpicedLemonSoup · 30/01/2025 06:46

There’s all sorts of drama and theories and “do this immediately” advice here. It must be horrendous to find yourself in this situation, I’m not surprised your head is wrecked OP.

My hard and fast rule for myself is that good decisions are rarely made in a rush. It doesn’t sound like you need to decide to leave tomorrow, go straight to the solicitors, tell the children your side (hate this the most). The only pro of rushing is it gives him more time to hide his money, but probably not enough to fool a forensic accountant, there are so many downsides to making rushed decisions that will change your life and that of your children so entirely.

You need to take some offline time with someone you trust, a steady friend or family member would be best. If you don’t have someone like this I’d consider seeing if you can access some kind of therapist to talk through everything and examine your feelings about the whole thing. You might consider calling a domestic abuse service to talk through what seems like the financial abuse aspect. Also give yourself some time for self care if you can - bath/ coffee shop visit/ walk/ etc. ❤️

Original poster

Multiplicationarithmetic · 30/01/2025 07:03

Thank you Spiced.
He won't discuss finances with me - he conceals his income.

OP posts:

HolidayHappy123 · 30/01/2025 07:11

@mnisawasteoftime I entirely accept the DH is a dick and may well be treating the OP like crap and being financially abusive. But on any analysis he has not ‘hidden’ £122k. The OP has just not understood how a BTL property investment works

The OP may well have good reason to leave her DH but the discovery of £122k that has effectively been in plain sight should not be the trigger.

Flowergirlie91 · 30/01/2025 07:19

Multiplicationarithmetic · 30/01/2025 07:03

Thank you Spiced.
He won't discuss finances with me - he conceals his income.

That’s not great.. what kind of lifestyle are you living? Are you living in great luxury and he is very wealthy? Or are you in a basic house trying to save pennies on the foodshop?

I personally couldn’t be with someone who hides his finances from me, because I want to feel like we’re a team. There are many men that don’t like to be questioned about their money (fragile ego’s)

The fact he gets angry at you for asking questions on big sums of money tells me he is not a very nice person.

Can you tell us a bit more? Whats his job / what are these properties? What kind of life do you live?

Do you have any savings at all? I’d start exit planning, under the radar