My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

I don't blame you for going for a divorce, OP.

Do you actually have proof he's working all those hours? A man who is so disrespectful in finances will have no problem being equally disrespectful sexually, whether that's coercing you or having other partners. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he has a mistress that his family know about, hence the loans and financial advantages to them.

The fact is he's so disrespectful that it's only a matter of time before he leaves you. Your only option is to leave first rather than being caught blindsided by him. I would definitely get a forensic accountant to figure out where the money is going to.

Stay strong - a much better life lies ahead of you.

By the way, don't be surprised if he goes for 50:50, safe in the knowledge he can palm the kids off on his relatives. Keep a record of all the times he's spent time alone with the children - it will come in useful.

I don't mean he'll get 50:50, just that he'll say he wants it.

Agreed. Its just to get the OP to STFU and get back in her box. He doesnt want 50:50 given he would barely recognise them in a line up as it is. What he wants is for her to not divorce him as it would cost him money, and not claim child support as it would cost him money. He thinks that by threatening to take the kids half the time she will back down. Best thing to do is say "Oh good, that means you will do half of the school runs so I can get more hours at work!" He will back pedal so fast his knees will burst into flames.

I've a feeling his goal is to wait until the children are 18 and all his money is hidden, then go for a divorce.

Good call.

He knows that she has far more leverage if the kids are under 18.

ETA this is why I am worried for the OP. When he realises that she was one step ahead and is divorcing him, he will go fucking insane and I genuinely worry about her safety. I think she needs to leave before filing.

Why are you solely responsible for the childcare costs? Is he the father?

"If you want to go to work, you pay for the childcare, I am not paying for it cos I pay the mortgage!"

Guaranteed.

He can say whatever he wants.
He can talk until he’s blue in the face.
You’re married - it’s YOUR money.
End of.

Why are there even childcare costs at those ages

Look up Coercive control, it is a crime.
Preventing you from working through refusing to pay childcare is coercive control.

OP you need to really educate yourself on what a Coercively controlling relationship looks like.

It is a serious crime that is being taken very seriously by the police.
Talk to your solicitor, Women's aid for advice.

You would be entitled to legal aid if you went to the police and reported his domestic abuse of you, which coercive control is.

Accord to the OP, her kids are 16 and 12. There’s no way a court will impose 50/50 contact on them at that age (particularly the 16yr old) so posters can stop fretting about that.

I am sorry to say but working 7 days a week with no time off, smacks of a second home with someone else. I would definitely follow him or put a tracker on his car or phone somehow. I think there is more to this than just someone making money. Does he seem well fed?

He works from home.
My children need (diagnosed) extra support which he is emotionally unable to provide. He can't do it.

Sorry Multiplicationarithmetic I apologise I thought he went off to work. Right scratch those silly ideas then.

Exactly. OP may well be able to get CLA to help with her legal costs: https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

That’s not correct. You can leave your share of a property to whoever you like married or not. Owning as Joint tenants (rather than tenants in common) means the other joint tenants automatically inherit on your death.

Agree with this... There was a post earlier detailing how she should explain it all to him and lay down the law.
As an extremely controlling person who reacts with fury when she even mentioned the mortgage, I think it would be a big mistake to challenge him like this and tell him what she's going to do.
As the sole carer for two children who have extra needs, she is very vulnerable,even if they are older. She needs to make sure she and they are safe before launching any legal campaign... and to just do it... no need to explain anything to him (which he will just interpret as a threat) or he will just act to hide assets or try to derail any of her plans.
He hasn't spent time explaining things to her for their entire marriage and her explaining to him why that's not OK is not going to sink in or change his mind now.

OP. Please get advice on how to ensure your safety and wellbeing whilst you go through this process.

The Op mentioned SN in her previous post. Please please at least read the OP's posts before commenting.

I have a 20YO with SN, the costs to care for them would be astronomical. This is why many/most parent carers do not work. Not everyone has independent teens.

My 2 don't need 24 hour supervision but do need extra emotional effort (usually from me!) to process and understand theirs and others feelings.
I've tried leaving the 3 of them together and he ignores them/ends up arguing/losing patience with them.
I think he has difficulty understanding the emotional needs of others and he doesn't want to understand them.
It's his way or no way - no compromise.😪

Thanks so much duckbilled.
Family thinks I should give him an ultimatum.
I disagree: I need to develop my exit strategy, financial and emotional and practical.
I don't know about me leaving - I'm happy to go off and live elsewhere but I can't leave my children behind.
He won't support them emotionally.

I'm not even angry any more. It's more "I've been unhappy and lonely for so long and I can't keep waiting for you to change."
A statement of fact.
"Maybe we need to Divorce".
So as not to frighten him and make him angry.
I'm sad it's not maybe, more a we need to.

Sorry you are going through this. I think you are right to develop your strategy whilst you make such important decisions.
What I meant was, regarding confrontation or ultimatums is that once the genie is out the bottle - you can't put it back in. There's advice up thread on places to speak to for advice, I'd def talk to them before having a confrontation with him. Obviously, only you know him and whether his reaction would make you feel unsafe or not.

I wasn't suggesting you should leave without them. What I was suggesting was, given your children's needs, you need time to really explore all your options, whether you leave or not... do the traditional "ducks in a row" and gather the information you might need, whether you decide to act on it or not, so that the information/documents etc are there in case you decide you need it. In the meantime, I hope you get a chance to work through your options whilst you decide what you want to do and which route to take. Wishing you all the best.

I’m going against the grain here. But…as you say you’re sad it’s not ‘we’, I’m going to say it.

From what I have read of your posts…there doesn’t seem to have been much ‘we’ on either side. There doesn’t seem to be much consideration on your part of what your husband may be experiencing. Working 7 days a week, money pressure from his own family, pressure to support yourself and two children. He seems to have (rightly or wrongly) done this alone. He may feel as equally lonely and sad as you do. On
the flip side he hasn’t been able to see you perspective either. He hasn’t recognised that you needed to work for yourself. That you had an ideal of a family life where you spend time together which hasn’t been met. That you do not feel supported in raising your children.

I could be completely wrong and dismiss this out of hand if I am. But it sounds to me as if you both only see your own perspective and communicate very badly in your different ways. He disengages and closes down. You throw accusations and make assumptions. (Eg talking about him breaking the law around the £122k without having any info)

if there is any grain of truth to this…and you are genuinely saddened by the no ‘we’…would it be possible to suggest counselling or divorce?

Remember, the internet is a place where people are very bold in telling others to divorce. But it is you that needs to go through it.

full disclosure - I am happily divorced and raised my children. I am not an advocate for remaining in unhappy marriages. Just offering a different perspective

@Multiplicationarithmetic

Your post @ 12.12 is spot on and you sound so strong and 'eyes wide open'!!

The time for ultimatums is past and they usually don't work anyway. You may 'shock' a response from them but the change is rarely permanent. Usually only lasts until they think you're back in your box. Plus, no reason to let the cat out of the bag. With your STBX, the element of surprise is paramount to your success in getting away.

Getting your financial ducks in a row and getting those ducks to a solicitor is a priority. Working out who leaves/who stays can wait until you know your legal position wrt finances.

And you are wise to assume that he will be no help with the children. But perhaps once the separation happens you'll be able to access additional help or support for you in handling things. At any rate it doesn't sound as if he was much help to begin with, so you aren't losing much, if anything, in that department.

You may not realize the positive change in you since you started your thread. You have absolutely grown in strength and confidence. Well done you!!!

User, he chooses to work 7 days a week.
The children ask him to watch tv with them, play games, go out etc
He's the one refusing.

Across, thanks again.
At the moment, we're living apart together.

So I've pretty much decided that I'm going to divorce him.
He keeps saying he's snowed under with work (which is good) but not good cos I automatically think how much is he giving away to his family.
I've discovered that he's paying the phone bill for his family member. I'm fed up with the money and time for them but not for the kids and me.

What's it like living together while going thru divorce? Anyone got any experience?