My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

Make sure you go for his pension too, you will need it later in life and I bet he is pumping that to hide money

If I were you I would sit tight, be sweetness and light and find out everything I can before speaking to a solicitor and ensuring I got a fair divorce settlement.

And the traits only effect him with his wife not his family... because he's clearly open with them about money. 🤦‍♀️

I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.

He was furious that I mentioned it.

Why did he get angry? Does he generally have anger management issues? Even in a situation where the two of you had completely separate finances with a pooled fund for shared expenses and each did your equitable part of the household/parenting work, it's a reasonable question that he could have politely declined to answer. Even leaving aside the misogyny and the fact that he seems to be a huge lazy arsehole, this seems like a red flag.

At least you'll finally get the answers now because he's got to disclose everything.

How will she afford a divorce lawyer? There is no legal aid for family law matters

@Multiplicationarithmetic Well done OP! The EXDH of a friend of mine was free and easy subbing his family of origin with funds that should have been used within the marriage. He took his arrogant "It's my money, I can do what I like with it" attitude into family court (including more than one attempt to hide his true finances from the judge) and got a rude awakening - he did very badly out of the divorce.

I am raging on your behalf. Literally raging!! How the fuck dare he? They are his kids too and if you weren’t doing all that he’s not be able to warm so much. That’s marriage. That’s the deal.

lawyer up quick!!!

Just noticed this update. Good for you!! Take him for whatever you can. Don’t forget his pensions!! I’m so angry on your behalf.

I came across this post by random chance, was googling sowing on cub badges. At first I thought the post and the responses were some comedy thing, then I realised it was real. No one wonder men these days don't want to marry. The last comment 'go for his pension that's another place they hide money' is hilarious.

Mumsnet at its best!
I'm taking photos of much as I can.
Me and the kids have been so badly treated by him - giving money to his family but spending time with us.

Working 7 days a week and no life as a family.
Everything is geared towards him maximising his income.
I'm beginning to see things differently now.
He's got no gratitude for my mental, emotional & physical efforts.

Did he pay the bills and put roof over your head ? You make out working 7 days a week is something someone wants to do, generally it's not unless you have bills to pay. Honestly most of you are better off single,men deserve better.

Love, love this.
I can proceed with a discussion between us, to maybe come back from the brink.

On the other hand, there's nothing to stop him saying one thing and doing another by hiding stuff from me
I don't think he's going to change without counselling and he refuses to go.
Plus the emotional pull of his family of origin is too strong.
I've tried so hard to be capable and intelligent cos I thought the earnings were for us - fat chance!!

You attitude is very 1950s things have moved on. I won't post again but this thread has been an eye opener. Honestly I thought it was some kind of comedy thing at first.

Fluent, I promise you this isn't a comedy.
I go out with my children at weekends and cry when I see families together.

.......

Blimey, why’s he so secretive?

You’re both responsible for paying for childcare if they’re his children. Both parents have to cover childcare costs, not just one.

Please dont blame yourself for being taken in by a selfish arrogant man. They dont start out behaving like that ..... its a slow process of normalisaiton until they have you where they want you ..... in domestic servitude. Its possible you will be able to rescue the situation by asserting your boundaries and demanding his respect and working on trust. But if it doesnt work at least you know you tried. Respect to you x

My friend said he was ab/using his male privilege.
What does that mean?

From AI - Male privilege refers to the advantages and societal benefits that men, as a group, often experience due to historical and systemic gender norms. These advantages exist socially, economically, and politically and can be so ingrained in society that they often go unnoticed by those who benefit from them.
How Male Privilege Manifests
🔹 Workplace & Economic Advantages:

• Higher salaries (gender pay gap) and faster promotions (glass ceiling for women).
• More representation in leadership roles and high-status careers.
• Lower expectations for caregiving responsibilities, leading to fewer career interruptions.

🔹 Social & Safety Benefits:

• Less likelihood of experiencing harassment, sexual violence, or domestic abuse.
• More freedom in public spaces (e.g., walking alone at night without fear).
• Assumptions of competence, authority, and credibility in professional settings.

🔹 Political & Legal Advantages:

• Historically greater political representation (e.g., most world leaders have been men).
• Less scrutiny over personal choices (e.g., dress, parenting, assertiveness).

How Male Privilege Is Abused 🔸 Workplace Discrimination:

• Hiring biases favoring men over equally or more qualified women.
• Unequal pay for the same roles and responsibilities.
• Dismissing or belittling women's voices in meetings and decision-making.

🔸 Violence & Harassment:

• Using power to silence victims of sexual harassment or abuse.
• Weaponizing legal systems (e.g., in divorce or custody battles).
• Excusing or normalizing toxic masculinity that enables gender-based violence.

🔸 Social & Cultural Exploitation:

• Ignoring or downplaying gender inequalities because they don’t personally experience them.
• Expecting women to perform unpaid emotional labor (e.g., in relationships, family, or workplace).
• Gatekeeping or excluding women from male-dominated spaces (e.g., STEM fields, sports, politics).

You can’t work more hours due to not having childcare yet your children are 12 and 16. You don’t need childcare for those ages so no reason you can’t work full time.

The children are 12 and 16, why is childcare needed

Didn't you ask your friend what they meant? You'll probably get a better answer from them, but my guess would be it means he's using the fact of his greater earning power (which obviously doesn't have to belong to men, but very often does because it's more often women who take on more childcare). First he used the fact that you were doing most of the work at home to free him up to make more money, then he used the fact that he had more money to keep you dependent and ignorant of what was going on and to screw you over. Next, he'll probably try for more of the same (hiding assets and screwing you over in the divorce). But hopefully your lawyer won't let him get away with that.

Fluent

Don't let one thread change your worldview of all women ...

I also clicked on this thread by chance

We all have different opinions, perspectives, understanding and experiences. And we don't all comment.

I wish everyone a healthy fair outcome x

Financial abuse. Why is he not contributing at all? What an AH.

Pls get together every bit of evidence you can - clients names, job info, bank info and all data on the property. Plesse take advice on what to do. Pls get your ducks in order before you do anything. Arrange for the forensic accountant to do the investigation.

Good luck. Your dont need this AH round your neck, but you do need his money and you need a very tight grip on his money because by abusing you he has made it hard for you to be independent.