My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

Great news OP. And DO engage a forensic accountant... Good luck. 💐

@Multiplicationarithmetic

I'm so glad to read your update.

I'm hoping you're divorcing him with the help of a good and tough solicitor.

Its sounds like a controlling relationship..... potentially coercive which is a form of abuse. Here is my advice - gather as much evidence of the finances on the quiet that you can. Have a strategy. Maybe stop asking about the finances but covertly gather evidence - take photos on your phone etc of documents. Store on a password protected device. Do a credit rating check which might show up financial bank accounts due to your conntection. It doesnt matter whether you are on the deeds of the house or not - when it comes to divorce the starting point of all the assets either of you hold is 50/50. From there the actual split is negotiated. Im sure he realises that so is probably beavering away assets - thats why he may be loaning money out to his family - keep a record. He may also be beavering it away in his pensions. Pensions are also calculated as an asset in a divorce. My ex husband also considered what he had was his and what I had and we had was jointly his. Its the viewpoint of someone who is incredibly selfish and who doesnt respect women.

When you have gathered as much financial info as you can and feel ready you need to go and see a solititor for some sound legal advice. You also need to consider how to get him out of the family home. The legal bills would need to come out of the marital assets or he would need to cover the bill - that would help resolve things quicker and avoid him dragging it out.

If this is the direction you are going in do make a plan / strategy for the next 3 / 6 / 12 months to plan our your steps and where you are heading. Do garner your support network too, Its a tough route but to escape a controlling relationship is worth it in the end, Best of luck,

That he doesn't let you claim child benefit and him just pay it back in tax is madness (and mean). If you haven't been earning, you should have been claiming it as it counts towards your state pension years.

I'm so glad that you're divorcing him. Does he know yet? I haven't read all your posts but I'm hoping that you've got access to money so you can support yourself and the children if he cuts you off? Definitely engage with a forensic accountant and solicitor (before you tell him, if possible).

Lots of luck.

I get that finding out about your husband’s secret finances is a shock and he sounds an arse, but If your kids are teens or near teens and your h works at homr why are you doing a school run let alone paying for childcare and entertaining and caring for them this intensely? They surely go to school independently. By that age if they aren’t learning or developmentally they should also be able to do at least basic cooking, do household chores, get ready in the morning completely independently, be at home without supervision and generally look after themselves.

But this is severe financial abuse in OP's case. Do you really think it's ok for op to be kept in the total dark about their shared finances and investments? OP doesn't even take the children to a Christmas theatre trip for fear they don't have enough money, and their house needs repairs that don't get done, when in reality they don't claim child benefit because he earns so much? And he doesn't pay towards any child care so her ability to work has been severely hampered. I expect there's many many more examples too.
Hardly the same as a woman squirrelling a few quid away, is it?

Get a forensic accountant to dig out every single penny. Take what you’re entitled to and more if you can.

And when you actually head over to divorce pages, you’ll see the endless post about how financial disclosure works, the legal implications, the act of “fair settlement” etc etc.

fuck off funds are , like pre nup argreements, or “chucking him out the house”, an urban myth that people are sold as a route to exit a marriage. They don’t hold any quarter in a divorce court unless there’s excess funds above requirement for “fair settlement “ based on “future needs”

yep, for a few, a small “escape” fund may be essential safety precaution to exit a an abusive marriage. But even here, would need to be disclosed later, after separation, as part of final settlement, if a balance remained, after escape costs were paid (eg deposit for rental, etc).

this is a large amount of money. Most women with fuck off funds, as you put in, never have anything close to a 6 figure sum. Maybe a 5 figure sum if they’re able to. Unfortunately too often women are ones who can least accumulate that kind of surplus fund.

nope, This is financial abuse.

To echo others OP, no you're not stupid. Congratulations on starting the divorce. May things go very well for you henceforth.

For those who are saying that it's not fair that women are able to have their "fuck off fund", but men aren't. Why do you think women are encouraged to have this?

Just think for a second. Could it be anything to do with the fact that in many households the woman is still financially vulnerable due to their child raising/caring responsibilities which curtail careers and earning power, or stops women from working (and earning) whatsoever. Could it be to do with the fact that 93% of defendants in domestic abuse cases are male and 84% of victims are female.

We do not yet live in an equal society where women and men equally share earning responsibilities/power and child rearing/household responsibilities. Women, as a sex, are more financially vulnerable than men.

You must be devastated. So mean of him. A great betrayal.

Good luck with everything.

Me too.

Op, even if you decide not to divorce, you need to get him to stop financially abusing you by recognising he doesn’t have sole rights to his wealth.

head over to the divorce board. At top is a link to ADVICE NOW.. go to their divorce guides. Look into the guides on how to divorce, how to make financial settlement. Read up and inform yourself on “fair settlement “. Nderatand your and his “future needs” and which of fair settlment criteria would apply to you both. Read up on how financial disclosure works (forms D81 and form E).

once you have yourself informed, and ideally got as much information you can put in his and up your financial situation, list that on D81.

then talk with him. Say that as SAHM and MARRIED you have financial and legal rights. It is not your money that pays for childcare, it is ours, as is mortgage, as is savings and wealth and property and pensions, and debts you have. Individually or joint. And things need to change. He needs to be explicit. To share financial planning and decison making across what both of you create as wealth in marriage. You may not earn as much, but your efforts enable his earnings. And courts reconginse that even if he can’t

and if he can’t, you will take it to courts instead. And divorce . Give him the advice now guides to read. Say you will, if necessary use a forensic accountant to uncover any other hidden assets, and he will be obliged by court to make “fair settlement” whether he wants to or not. And the more he pisses around the more it will cost him in terms of legal fees.

This is about trust. He is not trusting you. Trusting you with his financial future and prosperity. Which may have its roots in a number of things, but inevitably it will be becuase he thinks about what would happen if you divorce (which is bonkers cos he’s unlikley to wheedle out of that fair settlement process if you already know he hides stuff)., it could also be that he wants to spend money on stuff he thinks is important or boasts his ego that he knows you’d not agree with. It could be he resents you being a SAHM. All these need to be discussed. If you want to stay married. And resolved. Marriage councillor may help those discussions.

and the one thing about trust, is that it is reciprocal. If you know he doesn’t trust you, you won’t trust him. Marriage is over then. He needs to work on building your trust again on financial matters by being in partnership with you. Otherwise, it’s a matter of time before your marriage is over anyway. Now this is out in open.

knowledge of how this is seen in law through divorce process is key. Read the ADVICE NOW guides. Get yourself ahead of curve, by knowing your rights.

I thoroughly support having your own savings, I have mine and would I fuck be stupid enough to join accounts and give my money etc... to someone else married or not.

I'm at home with the kids all the time, means fuck all to it. I'm protecting my safety and security by not making myself financially vulnerable or in a position to be financially abused. My DH is not remotely abusive but while he isn't wildly reckless hes not financially wise either. I have savings, he has debts (I have never had debt in my life) so no I'm not joining anything and letting him accidentally run me down too.

Men can also protect themselves, being married doesn't just mean you can just 'take'.

I'm glad you're divorcing him. His treatment of you has been nothing less than appalling. I hope you take him for all you can get. Best wishes x

Yikes I've just come across your thread. How awful. So glad you're getting out.
I hope you'll be OK.

Well done, I hope you see the divorce through and he doesn't weedle he way out of it. You'll definitely get some money and seeing as he is so so rich you sound like you'll be far better off and he can also help with childcare and failing that he'll have to give u child maintenance on top! He sounds an absolute twat.

Just be careful.

When this comes out and he realises that his abuse is about to end and you will likely be awarded a substantial settlement, his rage could be very dangerous. Keep yourself and the kids safe above all else.

Good luck, I hope you've found a good solicitor.

Sounds like a control freak to me, big time in this case. Any lawyer will soon see through his carry on dont worry. He will be made to show all documentation on finance. You are married, you are entitled to a certain amount same as he is. What a tosspot you have there. You go girl, you will never regret it, I never have. When I left I had nothing just pennies in my purse, but they were my pennies and you start off at the bottom and you work your way upwards. God bless you.

OP - you should absolutely register for Child Benefit... even if your partner earns over the threshold, you should still complete the online form... at the end you tick the box that says "I want to opt out of claiming child benefit, but I still want to protect my State Pension". Then you will get National Insurance credits for each year you are a stay at home parent with a child under the age of 12.

Hopefully next year the government will let us claim back missed years. The government (under Rishi Sunak) realised that a lot of stay at home mums stopped receiving NI credits once the Child Benefit became means tested back in 2013. They stated in a policy paper said that we will be able to claim these back from April 2026.

It's the third item in this Policy Paper for those interested!
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/tax-simplification-update-january-2024/tax-simplification-update-january-2024

First, fuck off funds don't run to the value of a small house.

Second, women seldom put men in hospital. Men put two women per week into early graves.

This ^ surely the flat could have just gone up in value/been reclassified as 3 bed instead of 2+ dining room ect. during a dodgy valuation he had done ?

He's a gold digger. He is riding on your unpaid labour and saving as a result of what you are/have provided meaning he hasn't needed to.