My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

I would say thank your lucky stars you are married! Because if you do separate, at least you know that this could be shared (and my guess is you're more concerned about the children having money when they need it and paying off your mortgage- before anyone chimes in saying it's not the poster's money).

I think it suggests bigger problems doesn't it. What us he hiding? Why was he concerned/angry about you finding out? Did he have plans to ensure it is the children's early inheritance?

Maybe try to encourage a conversations with a counsellor (or even a local solicitor) present.

THIS!!!!!! With bloody big, shiny bells on 🔔🔔🔔

If the playing field were level, I would agree with you.

But women are much more likely to be abused by men than the other way around... hence an escape fund, for a woman, who has often put her career on the back burner to devote time to the DC, being viewed differently from OP's husband removing 122k from the family funds.

Do I sound angry? Probably because I am. If my DM had had an escape fund, she might have been able to get away from my bullying, coercive arse of a father when she first decided she wanted to, rather than having to stick it out for another 20 years.

And in that case (and this one), who was the person with all the financial control? I imagine the woman was told to keep it for herself because her husband was the main or sole earner because she’d given up work/slowed her career to have HIS children and therefore was more financially vulnerable. There’s no blanket rule, each case should be take on its own merits. The reason there might appear to be “double standards” is because more often than not, the man has all or most of the financial control in a relationship, why can’t people see this?!

@Mnetcurious

why can’t people see this?!
Because they don't understand domestic abuse. It's quite hard to comprehend it if you've not seen it from the inside.

i totally agree with Edith on domestic abuse being a hidden crime. Oftentimes, it is the people whom you least suspect who are abused. The abuse oftentimes starts after the children are born making it harder to leave. It’s easy to say leave, but where do they go? Without funds their situation is precarious. The abuse is sporadic and not all the time. But the damage is done.

It is hard for those who have not experienced this to understand how undermined, let down, hurt and trapped domestic abuse makes a woman feel. She loses confidence, doubts herself, keeps trying harder. An escape fund enables an easier exit but perhaps it is the constant dripping tap that grinds her down and makes the much needed change difficult to implement.

@Wibblywobblyses I grew up in an abusive household. It took me DECADES to recognise what had been going on, because my father was rarely violent. I did at least understand enough to avoid repeating the pattern.

Whose children?

I suppose we'll never know the truth of this

Brilliant advice and full of truth

So… what did you find out and what have decided to do?

Hi.
I'm about to start divorcing him.
He lent or gifted another family member 10k I knew nothing about.

Good for you. This is not a marriage. Hopefully you will get a good sum in the divorce and he can pay child maintenance too

They are married. It is not his money.

OP do a little digging and then file for divorce and he’ll soon see how little of it is actually his money. Especially if you are the primary carer for the children which of course most women are!

Thanks for coming back, @Multiplicationarithmetic. What a difficult time this has been for you - well done for sticking with it and making the sane decision! I hope you have some support for yourself personally, and that you find a solicitor who gets angry on your behalf.

Please do call on the advice agencies too, they can be very helpful in clearing your mind. Best of luck 🍀

@Multiplicationarithmetic well done, it's hard but there was no coming back from his deceit and attitude. Good luck.

Well done.
He has behaved appallingly.
DH regularly subs out one of his relations but he always discusses it with me first - and it's never anywhere near 10K either!

You really really aren’t stupid. Respect yourself and what you have done for your children and your family. Your husband is the one with the problem here, not you. If you talk down to yourself it can make you feel weak. You are not. I wish you the brighter future you deserve.

If you’re married, this flat is a marital asset, regardless of who paid. Unless he had that money before you got married and you signed a prenup that it would be ringfenced, or the flat is fully funded by his inheritance, that flat is 50% yours.

Good. Your life and your head will be so much clearer when you’re in charge of your own budget.
Keep on keeping on and you’ll get there in the end.

you are doing the right thing, make sure you get very g^^oo lawyers as you will need to follow the money trail to make sure you are getting what is rightfully yours.

Good for you.

today is the first day of the rest of your life.

We aren't talking a couple of grand in a sock drawer here, we're talking years of emotional neglect, hiding all earnings and savings, properties OP doesn't even know about, Wills and Insurance policies kept secret, not to mention tens of thousands of pounds lent to family, while OP deals with all in the home, including parenting two children with SN without support, only shopping in sales and not even daring to purchase theatre tickets? Not to mention having no family support either.

I'm glad you're out and I hope you get yourself the life you deserve ASAP OP, and lets all hope karma hits him where it hurts

Thank you for coming back to us. Sounds like you’re on the right path. I hope it goes as smooth as it possibly can.