My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

frome everything you are saying, this has been a very toxic relationship all along.

as much as you can hope he will change, he won't.

you should divorce him and ask the judge for a costs order so he pays for your lawyers. have a full financial audit and go for a form E disclosure.

if he lies on any of those documents you'll have him over a barrel

Its not whether people separate finances, or have accounts that the other does not know the details of or about. It is whether there is a clear understanding on both sides that this may be the case and consent to it, or whether there are secrets in the marriage. In my experience, secrets in relationships are toxic unless they are very short lived and small (like what you partner bought you for your birthday, for example).

So he won't show you the will and he won't share any information about what will happen to you when he dies.

You need to make it clear that without that information, you can't plan for your future. Tell him that if you're going to be left homeless or without any income, then you need to know that now.

I see this maybe a bit different. No hate towards you at all. IMO getting married and having kids would be discussed and if he earns a good wage the fact would have been you being a stay at home parent. However many years that would be for… why now that the house has been found out about you are unhappy. You will not and are not his equal. No offence but you’re not. Yes you are a housewife. I’m assuming you do not worry about money and spending it (which he provides) why are you now concerned. If he was penny pinching and you/kids went without I 100% appreciate your issue however bf or however many years you have been able to stay at home to care for him the house and kids. If you wanted to work or have a carer you should have had this discussed that and managed arrangements around the kids. You where happy when they where little and you could be the “stay at home mum” I don’t understand how things have changed. Yes he has hidden this from you but is now being open about it. The income should be left to him to worry about and keeping a happy house is yours.

@EMUKE so you are basically saying put up and shut up?

He could have invested in crypto currency. He could have acquired the money by money laundering. You have to find out.

If money laundering, you could be accused with him, even though you know nothing.

Ignorance in the law is no excuse. Get yourself a lawyer before you dig any deeper.

So? All that means is that the OP cannot find out that way.

How do you pay for things? (Mortgage, food shops etc) What’s your monthly outgoings? What are you left with after that? What is your long term plan pension wise? Can you retire comfortably?

if you can’t answer those questions…you’ve been financially passive. For 15 years. The only person who will put your interests first is yourself unfortunately.

I genuinely can’t tell from your answers if your husband has been financially abusive or not. (Your answers are a lot of little glimpses about specific issues but don’t give the full overview)

As others have said…if you feel he has and you are unable to get answers from him, it’s time to get lawyer and leave. I would leave the questioning of the finances to the lawyers.

you really need to take ownership of your own finances to make sure you are safe going forward and later in retirement

Emuke, do u live in 2024 or 1824?

Sara, he says ill be provided for but won't tell me how or show me documentation. I've had to look for it and ask him if it's the right papers. He responds in an offhand way, like I'm a inconvenience.

Yeah, whether you'll "be provided for" isn't something he decides. You WILL be provided for; a judge will decide exactly how. If he refuses to hand over the relevant paperwork, your lawyer will legally compel him to. If he hides assets a forensic accountant will find them.

If you don't want to spend your old age in poverty, you really do need to stop being so passive and servile and naive, and start taking action.

Sorry but it doesn’t sound like you spend much time with him anyway so I doubt that will be much of a threat. I’d keep quiet, let him believe you’re not interested in what he’s doing but secretly start collecting lots of information about what he’s doing, what he’s got and plan to leave or get him out asap but safely for you and your children. ❤️

Perhaps the OP’s husband financial control of 16 plus years has undermined the OP’s confidence and self esteem. Starting out, things were more equal, now after two children and nearly two decades of domestic chores and supporting the family unit, she finds herself in a vulnerable position.
In a healthy relationship, finances are discussed and decision making is shared. Her contributions have enabled the husband to work all hours and build up a successful business. That is good if the couple have good communication and united goals. He should be treating his wife with respect and sharing information instead of being so secretive. It is very hard for the OP when her DH is not being fair minded or transparent with finances. It creates fear and resentment.
Is it really necessary for the DH to work seven days per week? Wouldn’t it be better to value the OP’s contributions and have a date night once in a while? What good is all that income if there is no joy in the marriage, only work and hoarding?

I can’t make any sense of all this. I’ve just read that ‘he’ bought a property but is not on the Title so he hasn’t bought the property. Perhaps he’s paid off or towards the mortgage and also registered an interest so the property can’t be sold without his agreement?

Suggests some sort of control exerted over the property owners in return for this payment.

Is this a mafia family- culture of omerta?

To be honest, if somebody found OP that job she wouldn’t take it. She’s coming off as a bit workshy.

I am propably wrong, but to me it looks like he fits Asd profile very well. Check apsergers traits in man. I know that they can be very controling when it comes to money but also very irresponsible - what explains him borrowing it but not repairing the house.
And than they are impossible to talk to, as they know best.

Does that mean I need to be unhappy ?

I think it's confusing "autistic" and "abusive". Your neurotype isn't an excuse to be a controlling arsehole. Posts like that are really shit to read as an autistic MNer. It just isn't true that autistic people are abusive. Autistic people are more likely to be abused ourselves.

Storming, if I'm workshy why am I up 7.30 at weekends starting the washing, doing all the schooltuns, occupying the children every day during school hols, depending Christmas and other public holidays on our own cos he's working from home?

It's not Omerta as in secrecy, but maybe it is in a way cos I'm excluded from discussions.

Thank you all so much.
I can't even look at him. I realise I'm a nanny/housekeeper to him and not what I view as a wife.
I'm brokenhearted. I didn't think I could be treated this badly by the person I'm meant to trust.
I was stupid and thought he'd change over time. I'm stupid.

You don’t need to be doing all this - your children are 12 and 16. They’re not toddlers. Plenty of women do everything you do and work.

You need a job.

You have two options:

1. Divorcing him is the only way you’ll get your half of his wealth. You won’t be entitled to any financial support beyond CMS so you’ll need a job to support yourself and the kids.
2. Stay unhappily married until he dies. You will benefit very little from his death, much less than in a divorce as the only thing going to you is the life insurance and half the house you live in. Even with him financially supporting you up until his death, you still need an income now so you have money and assets to support yourself after his death.

Not really, don’t beat yourself up.

The reason for my advise is I am on marriage number 2 (he went off with a female colleague). However friends of mine their DH with fabulous own businesses suddenly took a nose dive financially when they divorced. Or were employed and suddenly went contracting on own business and wow shocker income plummeted… wives were financially done over left right and centre. Bank accounts wives knew about but had no proof were rubbished out of court.

Men rented houses, anything to not pay.

second examples:
Or men became SAHH (stay at home husbands), then left wife who was working to keep house afloat and asked for spousal support as they gave up their career. Even turned kids against Mums to get full child support.

I’m not bashing men, my current DH came off worse from M1.
Equality or women done over again and again?! So please never think you did something wrong or were silly.

You're not stupid. You thought you were part of a team. You're armed now with all this help from this thread. You know what you need to do to protect your future. You are not just a glorified slave. Please tell us you are getting advice and taking action.

I don't know...read about cassandra syndrome. Just know that lots of woman living with Asd partner going through the same thing. Check out this group on Facebook maybe it would be helpful