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My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

697 replies

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 19:26

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

OP posts:
miss79guided · 31/01/2025 08:03

mnisawasteoftime · 31/01/2025 00:55

@miss79guided that isn't helpful. It's the kind of thinking that sees women feeling trapped and as if they can't leave. There's always options. Stay with a relative until you get back on your feet. Private rental, the council can help with this if you can't afford a deposit and there's charities that will provide free or low cost basic furniture, benefits that will help pay the rent etc. The assets awarded in divorce can sometimes be enough to put down a deposit on another property, getting a mortgage for the rest or buy something outright. If all else fails the council will house in temporary accommodation someone who is homeless and they'll stay there until they are successful in securing permanent social housing. Domestic abuse charities can provide temporary housing in a refuge too. Nobody should ever think "where will I go?" and believe they have no options.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld family of origin is the one you're born into, as opposed to the one you created by marriage and birthing children.

@Pussygaloregalapagos nobody is gambling in this marriage, as far as we know. OP's husband isn't going to do a spreadsheet with her, she's being financially abused, he doesn't want her to know where the money is or how much there is.

OP ignore the hate from certain posters, there's a lot of men on MN who like to try to stamp women down. Just scroll past anyone who isn't helpful you don't have to justify yourself to them.

Yes SHOULD think "where will I go?"
It IS called having a PLAN - it IS VERY helpful
You WILL now know what you MUST do - instead of JUST hoping for the best

RedSkyDelights · 31/01/2025 08:38

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 31/01/2025 07:52

OP are you saying that all the money for childcare comes from what you earn, and you are stuck with school hours because you can't earn enough to pay for childcare to cover out-of-school hours?
So you are stuck in a part time low paid job, and doing all the school runs, while husband makes enough to buy several houses, and never helps with the children? Or anything?
This is financial abuse. He has trapped you, and you need to contact Women's Aid and get some proper advice. Ignore the terrible advice from your family (sounds like there's another story there). Plan how to get away from him. Try and find evidence of how much he earns and what he owns when he's out of the house. You don't want him to know you are looking for proof before you leave or kick him out.

OP's children are 16 and 12. She is not tied to school hours jobs only and doesn't have a huge childcare bill.

The balance of power here is clearly unequal, but if OP feels she needs to be around after school for childcare purposes, this is a limitation she is putting on herself.

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 08:45

I need to be around cos one child is mildly autistic and the other lives with ADHD.

I think I'm going to say to him that as long as he doesn't share financial info with me, I don't feel like sharing time with him or that I should spend time with him.

OP posts:
Sunshine1500 · 31/01/2025 09:08

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 08:45

I need to be around cos one child is mildly autistic and the other lives with ADHD.

I think I'm going to say to him that as long as he doesn't share financial info with me, I don't feel like sharing time with him or that I should spend time with him.

I think you should be more concerned about other aspects of you life and marriage than just your husbands finances.
if your children are in school 5 days a weel you can work.

Sunshine1500 · 31/01/2025 09:10

You need to speak to women’s aid if he’s financially abusing you, it seems like he has.
however you are now able to break free get some help and better yourself

GelatinousDynamo · 31/01/2025 09:12

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 08:45

I need to be around cos one child is mildly autistic and the other lives with ADHD.

I think I'm going to say to him that as long as he doesn't share financial info with me, I don't feel like sharing time with him or that I should spend time with him.

From what you have written about him... Do you really think that he will care about your "ultimatum"?

Sausagehead · 31/01/2025 09:22

Im sorry but your ultimatum sounds like a gift I think you need to get out and take your children with you. I think he will get worse. Get copies of everything and see a solicitor and seek advice from a women's charity. Knowledge is power.

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 09:25

Thank you everyone.
He seems upset.

OP posts:
Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 09:27

I think his,behaviour is too deeply ingrained to change.
His family benefit from his attitude so I think they'll make out that im unreasonable.

OP posts:
FenixWinda · 31/01/2025 09:56

Wow what a piece-of-work. Worse by far than my Exs BIL who re-mortgaged the house (five figure numbers as i understood) and didn't tell his wife, seems he had a gambling habit.....sneaky sods !!

Longleggedgiraffe · 31/01/2025 10:23

llizzie · 31/01/2025 01:44

It does have the Limited companies. You don't need to know the name of the company. You just need the name. That way you find out whether he is a director of a company or not.

You go into the Companies House site and put in a name OR a company. A name will show if the person is a director of a company. He may be a director of more than one company.

If he is found to be a director, you have all the information: accounts filing, any charges - loans taken out by the company, whether the company is active or not, who gave the loan, how much it is, the dates, and the amounts.

Yes, but if his company isn't a Ltd company it won't be registered with Companies House.

Sunshine1500 · 31/01/2025 10:23

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 09:27

I think his,behaviour is too deeply ingrained to change.
His family benefit from his attitude so I think they'll make out that im unreasonable.

You can’t chat him, so what are you going to do to change? Get a job? Divorce? Marriage counselling?
or just continue to be a stay at home parent to teens and let your husband work 7 days and control the finances.
you have options you’re choosing to be passive and not contribute financially.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 31/01/2025 10:36

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 19:36

He says its all his and nothing to do with me - but we're married.
It could have reduced our mortgage and he won't discuss it with me.
He was furious that I mentioned it.

He can say whatever he wants, but legally, 50% of that is yours.

Since you're a SAHM, send him the childcare bill—let's see how he likes that.

Skodacool · 31/01/2025 10:37

Sunshine1500 · 31/01/2025 09:08

I think you should be more concerned about other aspects of you life and marriage than just your husbands finances.
if your children are in school 5 days a weel you can work.

So you can find OP a job that enables her to do the school runs and not work in the school holidays? She said her husband won’t look after the children.

GelatinousDynamo · 31/01/2025 10:39

Skodacool · 31/01/2025 10:37

So you can find OP a job that enables her to do the school runs and not work in the school holidays? She said her husband won’t look after the children.

The children are teenagers, they don't need constant looking after in the holidays. OP could very well find a job, and it's looking like she's got no other choice.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 31/01/2025 10:44

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 08:45

I need to be around cos one child is mildly autistic and the other lives with ADHD.

I think I'm going to say to him that as long as he doesn't share financial info with me, I don't feel like sharing time with him or that I should spend time with him.

Who cares if your DH is upset?

You need to stand your ground. When you're married, finances are 50/50—if you divorced, the court would split everything down the middle.

As a SAHM, you're fully entitled to financial support because you need it. You're absolutely right—this money belongs to the family, not just him.

Your options are clear: either you go back to work and split childcare costs proportionally based on income, or he steps up. If you’re staying home, he needs to be transparent and provide financial support—or you hit him with the childcare bill.

He's being an arse.

MyNewLife2025 · 31/01/2025 10:45

GelatinousDynamo · 31/01/2025 10:39

The children are teenagers, they don't need constant looking after in the holidays. OP could very well find a job, and it's looking like she's got no other choice.

You seem to miss the fact both children have SN and the OP says clearly she can’t leave them for that long,

The OP might end up separating but even then, it wouldn’t change that fact would it?

LoveLifeBeHappy · 31/01/2025 10:46

@Skodacool

She said her husband won’t look after the children.

Then he needs to pay for childcare. It's very simple. They're old enough anyway.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 31/01/2025 10:46

You can’t trust him and he doesn’t see the need to be truthful. That’s where this starts and ends. You have legal rights which are enforceable, so stop negotiating with him, it will be a failure. You collect all the information available to you, you keep it somewhere safe, you don’t disclose any of it to him, and you arrange to see a family law solicitor who specialises in £ dispute cases asap. He or she will inform you about the process of protecting YOUR share of the matrimonial assets. I repeat your share under the Law, and that will be considerably more than his interpretation of justice. He’s treated you like an indentured servant and don’t sugar coat it, he’s a rat, and until he realises that you’re not going to be passive about his lies and deceits, he won’t take any of this seriously, and he will try and bully you into submission. His family have colluded with him, because somewhere along the line he thought stealing from his wife was ok, so I repeat, gird your loins, get mad and think wisely. This isn’t about being liked, or what will the kids think, this is about right and wrong on a massive scale. He’s stealing from you, remember that, it’s incredibly immoral behaviour. If he was your business partner, you’d be calling the Police. The courts require FULL disclosure of all £ information and it also has the power to injunct people so as to protect assets, and to injunct third parties not to dispose of assets, so don’t waste time, strike whilst the iron is hot, and whenever the BS of his justifications becomes too much, don’t reason or argue with him, ignore him and don’t give anything away. Silence is your weapon, and if he lays a finger on you or threatens you, you have the right to apply to have him removed from the house….and always log any threats etc with the police. Good luck.

IcyHare · 31/01/2025 11:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

T1Dmama · 31/01/2025 11:31

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you about this investment!…. Other than he’s keeping it hidden so that one day he can leave you and move into it.
its the sort of thing couples discuss… (in healthy relationships anyway!)
If he’s refusing to discuss it then I would drop it, don’t put yourself in danger.
But you are in a marriage to an abusive man… even if he’s not physically abusive he is controlling you. …. From what you’ve said he is keeping you at home at the very least, using the children and their childcare needs to trap you at home or leave you penniless even if you do work… let me guess .. you moved away from your family (support network) at his suggestion, so even they can’t help you out with school runs etc! … or both your parents passed away before you met him or married him (these men sometimes prey on women who have no support!)
Drop the subject of the flat, but keep copies of all paperwork, ask a friend to guard it with their lives for you!
You do need to have a very frank discussion though about him doing his share of childcare so you can go back to work… or if he doesn’t want to help them he should at the very least be paying half of the childcare costs, or if he refuses then you deduct the costs of childcare from your contribution towards the mortgage payments and tell him you’ll be deducting childcare costs out of any contributions towards household costs that he expects you to make….
He is 100% planning for HIS future .. you need to do the same… that starts with you getting your career off the ground and putting some money away for yourself, not loads, but enough for an escape fund.
What happens when you’re sick?? Does he do school runs then? When you go out with friends? Does he enable you to go out and does he feed the kids and get them ready and into bed? Or does he do a terrible job so you come home and have to get kids to bed, wash up etc… this is a typical manipulation of men making a woman feel like it’s a hassle to go out and not bother again… or does he find ways of making you feel guilty for daring to go out? Accuse you of being a bad mother etc?
Please get your ducks in order and formulate an escape plan, even if you never need it, just have a fund and get your career sorted so it’s an option …
Good luck

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 31/01/2025 11:37

You’ve taken your eye off the ball financially. You can’t be passive and not know how things are being paid for 10 years…then suddenly blame your husband for everything.

it’s difficult to tell from your posts if your husband is out of line or just under financial pressure. Stress causes anger.

Either way focusing on - will he never treat me as an equal, his family are laughing at me - won’t get you anywhere or solve your situation

you need to find a way to take charge of your own financial welfare

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 12:30

I haven't been passive - he's always been reluctant/angry whenever I've mentioned anything financial to him for the past 15 years.
I've always hoped it was due to temporary pressure but its not. He did his Will and had it sealed without consulting me and then said well, u wanted it done. I said yes, together and he said no.

OP posts:
Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 12:31

T1Dmama · 31/01/2025 11:31

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you about this investment!…. Other than he’s keeping it hidden so that one day he can leave you and move into it.
its the sort of thing couples discuss… (in healthy relationships anyway!)
If he’s refusing to discuss it then I would drop it, don’t put yourself in danger.
But you are in a marriage to an abusive man… even if he’s not physically abusive he is controlling you. …. From what you’ve said he is keeping you at home at the very least, using the children and their childcare needs to trap you at home or leave you penniless even if you do work… let me guess .. you moved away from your family (support network) at his suggestion, so even they can’t help you out with school runs etc! … or both your parents passed away before you met him or married him (these men sometimes prey on women who have no support!)
Drop the subject of the flat, but keep copies of all paperwork, ask a friend to guard it with their lives for you!
You do need to have a very frank discussion though about him doing his share of childcare so you can go back to work… or if he doesn’t want to help them he should at the very least be paying half of the childcare costs, or if he refuses then you deduct the costs of childcare from your contribution towards the mortgage payments and tell him you’ll be deducting childcare costs out of any contributions towards household costs that he expects you to make….
He is 100% planning for HIS future .. you need to do the same… that starts with you getting your career off the ground and putting some money away for yourself, not loads, but enough for an escape fund.
What happens when you’re sick?? Does he do school runs then? When you go out with friends? Does he enable you to go out and does he feed the kids and get them ready and into bed? Or does he do a terrible job so you come home and have to get kids to bed, wash up etc… this is a typical manipulation of men making a woman feel like it’s a hassle to go out and not bother again… or does he find ways of making you feel guilty for daring to go out? Accuse you of being a bad mother etc?
Please get your ducks in order and formulate an escape plan, even if you never need it, just have a fund and get your career sorted so it’s an option …
Good luck

When I'm ill he looks after the children but doesn't offer me anything like hot drink, paracetamol.

OP posts:
Ilostseptember · 31/01/2025 12:46

This is financial abuse and from reading your replies mental abuse as well has he ever been physically abusive? To you or the kids? You are not mad or unreasonable you have over years been coerced into this position. Take a breath, your family are not giving you good advice. You and your children are worth so much more than a roof over your head. Forget the whys for now. Think about what you want. If you have a good friend talk to them about it, if not try women's aid. Make sure your safe, build a plan and try to leave. It's not about money (not yet) it's about taking control of your life back in baby steps. I believe in you and think you can do this.

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