Page 14 | My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

MustWeDoThis · 30/01/2025 22:35

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 19:36

He says its all his and nothing to do with me - but we're married.
It could have reduced our mortgage and he won't discuss it with me.
He was furious that I mentioned it.

So it's 50% yours, if you're married. No fault divorces. Kick him where it hurts, take the money , and walk off with your head held high.

Kirstk · 30/01/2025 22:35

Kpo58 · 29/01/2025 20:05

She probably knew that the house existed, like I know houses down my road exist and I see people going in and out of them so may recognise the tenants of those houses, but I wouldn't know if my husband secretly owned one of them without telling me.

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I think she knows about the flat but not the £122k left over from purchase.

snoopsy · 30/01/2025 22:40

your kids are 12 and 16. Surely they can get themselves to school?

rugbyman79 · 30/01/2025 22:44

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rugbyman79 · 30/01/2025 22:51

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 19:36

He says its all his and nothing to do with me - but we're married.
It could have reduced our mortgage and he won't discuss it with me.
He was furious that I mentioned it.

depends. do you have a prenup or postnup? if the answer is no then you answer is k-ching

rugbyman79 · 30/01/2025 22:55

Cynic17 · 29/01/2025 20:01

OP, being married doesn't mean that you have to share all your money! My husband has a Trust and investments which - as far as I know - are quite substantial. They are his mainly through inheritance, and also because he was previously a high earner. Frankly, I consider that his money is none of my business.

YOU married for love.
your husband is a very lucky man.

rugbyman79 · 30/01/2025 23:04

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 22:14

@Alltheyellowbirds That's possible.
So why not put some of it towards reducing other mortgages?
I don't have a clue what he's doing and by him yelling at me, indicates that I'm not supposed to ask.

just to clarify. your husband has multiple properties (as you indicate when you say the 'other' ones are 100% mortgaged) and on this one he put down 122k£.

you don't know much about his business (clearly..) and have so far enjoyed a carefree life for which he has provided working 7 days a week even during vacation.

but you are SO offended because on this one property he has a different funding?

lady you need to examine your priorities: are you living a good life and love your husband? is full financial disclosure more important than the quality of life you have and the love you claim to have for him? why is it suddenly so important for you to know the details of the funding structure of his business?

rugbyman79 · 30/01/2025 23:08

Multiplicationarithmetic · 30/01/2025 00:01

How do I explain to our children that I have to end my marriage?
16 and 12.

well tell them the truth!

you found out some financial matters that concern you and you are not getting the answers you want

that financial disclosure is so important to you that it's worth more than your (at least) 16 years and 9 months together

you seem to be more concerned with the money than the relationship anyway so it shouldn't be an issue

Sunshine1500 · 30/01/2025 23:08

This thread is just enabling the op to be a victim she’s a grown up woman with growing children in their teens .. stop worrying about what your husband does.. start making a life for yourself.
he has every right to invest his money if he’s still providing a home for you and his children.
he doesn’t have a right to treat you like you don’t matter because you do .. go make your life better!

FootstepAway · 30/01/2025 23:38

I married him for love and what I thought was honesty from both of us.

How can this be true if he's always refused to discuss money? That's a huge part of how you live your life. Sorry this isn't intended to be snarky, just wondering really how people can think they are open with each other if income isn't discussed at all! DH and I plan all our finances together.

Sorry OP, hope you can get to the bottom of whatever this is.

Susan7654 · 30/01/2025 23:46

You propably have been putting up with a lot, beeing grateful for the crumbs. Sounds like you might not have enough strength to rock the boat. But seeing a lawyer is a must. My friend is in a happy marriage and she told me every woman should be seeing a lawyer while happily married. Because it's important to know your rights etc.
So take the first step and just see a lawyer not to get a divorce, but just to find out what he think of your situation. And you will get a proper advice. Good luck!

Susan7654 · 30/01/2025 23:47

You propably have been putting up with a lot, beeing grateful for the crumbs. Sounds like you might not have enough strength to rock the boat. But seeing a lawyer is a must. My friend is in a happy marriage and she told me every woman should be seeing a lawyer while happily married. Because it's important to know your rights etc.
So take the first step and just see a lawyer not to get a divorce, but just to find out what he think of your situation. And you will get a proper advice. Good luck!

ErinBell01 · 30/01/2025 23:56

Multiplicationarithmetic · 29/01/2025 19:26

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

My aunt found out by chance that her husband had a flat in town. She confronted him and he said it was a nestegg that he'd worked hard to get and he'd been going to surprise her one day. She didn't believe him and got her son to look into it - turned out that the occupiers of the flat were a woman and her child, who were actually his mistress and her son! Cousin told her husband to leave, which he did, and then after a couple of years she reported that he was 'wooing' her and they were going on dates. Eventually he moved back in and she nursed him through his prolonged final illness. The rest of the family wondered if she wanted to make sure that she got all his money rather than a chunk of it going to the mistress. As far as I know they never got in touch with the mistress so that the child could get to know his half siblings which I thought was a shame, but probably understandable.

mnisawasteoftime · 31/01/2025 00:55

@miss79guided that isn't helpful. It's the kind of thinking that sees women feeling trapped and as if they can't leave. There's always options. Stay with a relative until you get back on your feet. Private rental, the council can help with this if you can't afford a deposit and there's charities that will provide free or low cost basic furniture, benefits that will help pay the rent etc. The assets awarded in divorce can sometimes be enough to put down a deposit on another property, getting a mortgage for the rest or buy something outright. If all else fails the council will house in temporary accommodation someone who is homeless and they'll stay there until they are successful in securing permanent social housing. Domestic abuse charities can provide temporary housing in a refuge too. Nobody should ever think "where will I go?" and believe they have no options.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld family of origin is the one you're born into, as opposed to the one you created by marriage and birthing children.

@Pussygaloregalapagos nobody is gambling in this marriage, as far as we know. OP's husband isn't going to do a spreadsheet with her, she's being financially abused, he doesn't want her to know where the money is or how much there is.

OP ignore the hate from certain posters, there's a lot of men on MN who like to try to stamp women down. Just scroll past anyone who isn't helpful you don't have to justify yourself to them.

llizzie · 31/01/2025 01:37

Marshbird · 30/01/2025 21:22

in uk, the court /judge has to sign (“seal”) ALL financial agreements.
this includes consent orders, even agreed between the couple that never have a hearing

the court cannot seal that legal financial settllent unless it meets the law around “fair settlement “ based on future needs. There are examples in the divorce board of courts rejecting consent orders and asking couples to resolve issues they can’t approve.

you may not have been aware of this if you used a solicitor. But the judge gave you everything based on your future needs and fair settlement which was also including your ex spouses future needs.

it is not something the courts apply only in some circumstances. It applies to all divorces in uk. It is the law.

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Are you presuming that I am wrong about my divorce and the settlement? You may be a lawyer perhaps, but what I said was absolutely correct.

llizzie · 31/01/2025 01:44

Longleggedgiraffe · 30/01/2025 18:23

Only Limited companies need to be registered with Companies House. If his business isn't a Limited Company there's no need to register.

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It does have the Limited companies. You don't need to know the name of the company. You just need the name. That way you find out whether he is a director of a company or not.

You go into the Companies House site and put in a name OR a company. A name will show if the person is a director of a company. He may be a director of more than one company.

If he is found to be a director, you have all the information: accounts filing, any charges - loans taken out by the company, whether the company is active or not, who gave the loan, how much it is, the dates, and the amounts.

WineNeededPlease · 31/01/2025 02:09

So confusing...

user1492757084 · 31/01/2025 02:22

Congratulations on your new property investment!
You must be so shocked that you both now own two properties.
Maybe he is savvy for you both?
Why do you think he kept you in the dark?

Original poster

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 04:51

Pussygaloregalapagos · 30/01/2025 21:45

Set up a spreadsheet of family assets. Update it annually… together and access and check balance on every bank account, estimate value of property, get pension valuation etc. we call it State of the Nation day and it is usually done between Xmas and New year: That way you can see annually how the ‘Family business’ is going.

if money is tight, move to quarterly or monthly updates.

having said that my DH once won so much gambling (in arm chair)l without me knowing) while I was watching Downton Abbey that we were able to live off it for a year. Having said that, no doubt big losses that have gone under the radar. He went to sleep that night without telling me as he was worried it was a mistake and wouldn&5 pay out as he had had a few vinos.

I'm trying to do that but he won't do it with me. That's how all this started.
I'm sorry about the gambling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 04:56

Rugbyman, interesting perspective(!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Multiplicationarithmetic · 31/01/2025 05:09

He ignores me when I'm ill, doesn't even offer me a hot drink. His family think he's wonderful but I suppose they would cos he gives them money.

OP posts:

IcyHare · 31/01/2025 05:43

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PyongyangKipperbang · 31/01/2025 06:21

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What part of the OP's posts leads you to believe that?

Wibblywobblyses · 31/01/2025 07:31

MrsCrimbleCrumble · 30/01/2025 21:45

I'd be gone I'm afraid. Seems all one way traffic. You're making the sacrifices and he's getting himself loads of financial freedom.

So well put. Us women need to value our contributions and not be treated as unpaid doormats.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 31/01/2025 07:52

OP are you saying that all the money for childcare comes from what you earn, and you are stuck with school hours because you can't earn enough to pay for childcare to cover out-of-school hours?
So you are stuck in a part time low paid job, and doing all the school runs, while husband makes enough to buy several houses, and never helps with the children? Or anything?
This is financial abuse. He has trapped you, and you need to contact Women's Aid and get some proper advice. Ignore the terrible advice from your family (sounds like there's another story there). Plan how to get away from him. Try and find evidence of how much he earns and what he owns when he's out of the house. You don't want him to know you are looking for proof before you leave or kick him out.