My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

Are you asking yourself, “Is he angry because…
a) of what you’ve already found out”, or
b) of what you are about to find out”, or
c) his life is just about to come crashing down?”

My guess is all three given the level of spite and animosity he’s displaying.

I don't know what to think any more.
I married him for love and what I thought was honesty from both of us.
I don't know if he's angry cos of what I'm about to find out, cos I don't know what it is I'm about to find out.

Your family are a bunch of oafs OP. You are not wrong and you can do much better than that. Focus. x

Sorry this has happened OP. Can understand why you’re floored. That said if the fight has already deflated you it’s worth bearing in mind that divorce can be even more relentless and brutal.
Who would pay for a forensic accountant? If he really wants to hide money he will. There is a risk also that you would come out worse off. He will be able to earn £150k potentially until retirement but you’d be a single parent (know you must feel a bit like that now).
From his side, working 7 days a week even on holiday also no fun. For that salary his job likely to be full on and stressful. Your contribution is valuable of course but personally working up to 7 days a week in that environment he might argue (likely to fail) special contribution and can see his point. If he stayed in bed, you’d not have the flat etc to claim 50% of. Equally if you stayed in bed house be a tip and kids would suffer.
Before you make any rash decisions could you see a marriage counsellor? Getting angry not a good way to communicate but equally if you put aside the concealment for just a moment crux seems to be you don’t feel your contribution is valued as being better off than you thought you were once dust settles another way to view it?
If he really is trying to hide his assets this might have increased with your discovery. I say let things lie for a few days. Just my 2p worth…

I would strongly advise to take copies of any paperwork you can. Everything.

cooies if addresses of any owned properties, bank statements, anything with account numbers, monies, savings, pensions you name it. Then hide it paper and electronically.
people with own companies if / when going through a divorce make out their companies are limping along and they’re on minimum wage. I have seen it so many times. Wives trusted them.

youve found our one of his nest eggs. You need to protect you and your kids.

very strange him keeping all this queit, he’s annoyed youve found all of part of his dynasty out. Careful here, very annoying he’s not sharing information let alone money too.

prepare yourself and strengthen your defences and id recommend to see a solicitor.

So sorry OP but this is financial abuse, he has worked and made as much money as he could and not helped with the childcare whilst you have of course had a reduced income as you looked after both of your kids, instead of offsetting the debt on the mortgage he has squirrelled it away. He's a selfish prick OP and I would bet he was planning to leave and that was his escape house. File for divorce ASAP before he hides/sells it all.

I really cannot understand why any SAHM would not insist on joint finances. If you are doing the bulk of the childcare and have no income of your own and are just dependent on his goodwill that is incredibly precarious for your own financial situation. Do you have a pension?

Luckily my husband is not a selfish twat but on marrying, buying a house and having children we merged finances. Now we have been married over 40 years so I understand if you have been bitten before or he has in a previous relationship not everyone wants to share bank accounts etc but you at least need to make sure he is either sharing the childcare responsibility or at least paying towards childcare or making some sort of financial compensation for the fact you are not able to work as much as he does. If he has managed to siphon off over £100k and not put this property in joint names then I would be tackling him with that whether he gets furious or not. You are supposed to be a partnership.

My thoughts: what a prat!!! (Sorry)

Have you checked your home mortage ? Is it possible he has increased that ,without you knowing,
i would be checking everything on the quiet
Tbh it’s probably not the only dodgy thing he has done ,

But where would you go ?

I would be checking his phone to see if, sounds like he is a liar and not really with you on any level,
say no more to him for now just get digging

in uk, the court /judge has to sign (“seal”) ALL financial agreements.
this includes consent orders, even agreed between the couple that never have a hearing

the court cannot seal that legal financial settllent unless it meets the law around “fair settlement “ based on future needs. There are examples in the divorce board of courts rejecting consent orders and asking couples to resolve issues they can’t approve.

you may not have been aware of this if you used a solicitor. But the judge gave you everything based on your future needs and fair settlement which was also including your ex spouses future needs.

it is not something the courts apply only in some circumstances. It applies to all divorces in uk. It is the law.

OP sorry if I repeating what others have said but you would be finacially - and emotionally it sounds like - better off if you divorce this man. Its your money. Take half of it and run.x

This would be my first thought.

And this

Sorry to read this. I hope you're ok. Try and get paperwork together and/or get copies.
Just a thought but when you said he's loaned people large sums of money, are you sure he's not giving it to them to hide away from you? I'm not trying to upset you but I wonder if he's asking friends and family to hold on to it so you don't 'find' it, or in the event of a divorce he's hoping you won't have access to it perhaps?

Should say that court may protect your assets prior to marriage in exceptional circumstances where no kids, and a very short marriage and little financial dependence yet to happen . And that it won’t leave the other spouse in need of reliance on state (eg won’t force them to claim benefits in future).
in these circumstances courts will go along with trusts or ring fencing of assets owned pre marriage. Rarely happens. But courts are pragmatic.

How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot?
Would he see it as a lie?
Would he feel betrayed?
In a marriage, you only have love and trust......you can't truly have one without the other.

Rugbyman wind your neck in and go away. Have you read any of OP's posts? Doesn't sound like it. He's using her labour, not paying for or providing childcare and leaving her guessing at the household income. You think that's living the good life?

OP I'm sorry. It is hard that your family don't see the problem. Hope you find a friend to talk to. Your fight will come back if you really need it. Take care.

Set up a spreadsheet of family assets. Update it annually… together and access and check balance on every bank account, estimate value of property, get pension valuation etc. we call it State of the Nation day and it is usually done between Xmas and New year: That way you can see annually how the ‘Family business’ is going.

if money is tight, move to quarterly or monthly updates.

having said that my DH once won so much gambling (in arm chair)l without me knowing) while I was watching Downton Abbey that we were able to live off it for a year. Having said that, no doubt big losses that have gone under the radar. He went to sleep that night without telling me as he was worried it was a mistake and wouldn&5 pay out as he had had a few vinos.

I'd be gone I'm afraid. Seems all one way traffic. You're making the sacrifices and he's getting himself loads of financial freedom.

He needs to agree to review all the finances openly. You are both a married couple and have shared responsibility. He may have a valid excuse or reason that you understand and respect, or he may be trying to deceive you. Either way, I would suggest you go into the conversation with an open and clear mind to avoid making decisions whilst angry and upset.

Myth, ignorance, personal experience…

This sounds awful but things have been bad for a long time regarding how he views and treats you and the DC, is this a final straw?

You are amazing not nothing. You’ve even retrained in this time as well as being the only hands-on parent. Your family are being unsupportive, do you have a close friend you could confide in?

Wow, what else had he hidden from you?! He's angry because you've busted him. He thought he could get away with it but you've found out what a horrid fraud he is. I'm sorry OP but you can't trust him.