My husband has hidden £122,000 from me (before you ask, I do not gamble nor have credit card debt)

[Multiplicationarithmetic]

Married for over 15 years and I was sorting out some papers.
I found a buy to let mortgage with a difference between the flat value and mortgage amount.
I asked him how he paid the difference and he got angry and said he paid for it with his savings and that he could do whatever he wants with it.
I said it's our money cos I do loads of childcare and house-stuff while he's working 7 day weeks even on vacation.
Shit, it's that amount after tax. What the hell?
It's over I think. I'm terrified what a forensic accountant will find out.

This is financial abuse. I have a friend who’s in her mid seventies and just found out the same about her husband. Hiding money, not telling her what he’s spent etc. it’s very hard for her to leave. Get out now! It won’t get better. At least you have time to rebuild your life. Unless he acknowledges he’s wrong, he won’t change.

That doesn’t matter, you need to start making a life and career for yourself so it won’t matter what he earns. You’ll feel so good taking control of your own finances and life.

I think right now you need to stop asking questions. You'll only make him suspicious of your motives and he may start moving things around. You need to take photos of all the paperwork you find and email the photos to a new email address. You need to see a solicitor and employ a forensic accountant. You can do all of this without saying a word to him. As hurtful as this is asking questions will only benefit him and you are showing him your hand. Do you have any family you can turn too? Or trustworthy friends? Time to put yourself first - he is not your friend. I know women often want answers but you need to pragmatic about this, keep your powder dry and work behind the scenes for the best outcome for yourself and your children.

If you divorced the solicitors will get you all the financial information they need to separate.

Why not think of something you can be secretive about and drop hints?

He could be winding you up, of course.

If you're married it's half yours.

Maybe remind him of that.

Financial abuse

The fights gone out of me. My family say I've got a roof over my head so put up with it. I'm nothing.

Time to discuss divorce with a solicitor you will soon see what he earns and what he spends as you will be entitled to see his bank statements and then get some of his money and start again. He’s treating you like you don’t matter if he’s a rubbish father why stay? Especially now how awful of him to treat you like this he’s controlling and a horrible man please get advice.

Stop asking to see income tax returns etc - he's not going to cooperate and it'll probably just make him put more effort into hiding assets. Wait until he's out then copy / photograph all the paperwork you can access. Store the copies off the premises.

Just because your family don't believe in equality it doesn't mean you can't. If family are unsupportive, find a friend who is or phone your local branch of Women's Aid, they have meetings you can attend and everyone there will understand.

@Multiplicationarithmetic Bingo, why buy a property when the owner isn't on the deeds? What's the point?
whose name is on the deeds then?

beneficiary - family of origin? what is this??

you do your own will. he doesnt do yours for you. you can leave all your half of the assets to your family and/or your kids. he doesnt tell you what to write.

pretty sure you can find out who actually owns the properties and how much the mortgages are for if you buy the dearest deed on the internet. think it costs around £100. if he is earning 150 k a year then a couple of years and he could save 150 no bother.

It isn't always about the money. Deceit is a terrible thing to bear.

You can find out ownership on the Land Registry for a fee. If you know that your name isn't on the deeds, you should ask why.

Nowadays couples own their home jointly as 'tenants in common' which irons out a lot of problems. If you don't already, then you would be wise to do so legally.

Honestly, he's financially abusing you then verbally abusing you when you ask him questions. I would get a job, the kids one is 16 so if they were responsible let them sit with their younger sibling for a few hours. Then look into a sitter. File for a divorce because he's treating you like a live in housekeeper. You deserved better and your family are stuck in the men are the breadwinner bs. They can just shut up because they are just as bad as your husband. Misogynistic.

Was about to ask the same, he think he might have a side piece sadly!

You are NOT NOTHING.

You are bringing up your lovely children coping under difficult circumstances and with no support it seems and you are fighting hard to protect your future and theirs. I agree with the poster above, find someone you can talk to who are supportive. Be it Woman's Aid or similar.
If your family are talking to you like that,their advice is not helpful. No point asking them for more, if all you get are put down comments. You need some helpful practical advice.
Stop asking him for information, too. Easiest way to protect yourself if he gets angry. Instead Glean what you can. Photograph it and take it to a professional. (Don't let him know you are getting professional advice). Take it one step at a time, you've sorted the rates arrears situation, now onto the next thing... which is probably getting some advice/help/support.

Why are you paying for childcare. It’s either joint or higher earner especially as he refuses to do any school runs and he wfh.

getvyourself a better job, pay for an supair of childcare to do the school runs( which he pays for).

so he has enslaved you, made you poorer, sees no need for trust or sharing?

you will access the money if you divorce him which if there is no redeemable factors I would be doing.

keep snooping and take photos before you make your move. He asked for this with HIS deceipt

Thanks.

in divorce, legally, there is no such thing as a guaranteed ring fence or whatever .
ALL assets or funds available to spouses are considered . It is then about meeting FUTURE NEEDS based on the law of “fair settlement “.
or put another way, as colloquially named by the law lords involved “the act of shared misery”.
IF there are enough funds for both parties to completely meet all relevant criteria in fair settlement, the court MAY give consideration to ring fencing certain assets or funds, but that’ll be where there is excess funds, and usuallly only in short relationships. Where there’s not that sort of money and If money is linked to legal trust, other assets are moved around to offset that entitlement and in effect work around the trusted assets

there is so much myth and rumour and ignorance on how assets are divided in divorce on MN. There is a law. Courts won’t sign/seal any financial settlement, even consent orders, without the law being met. They can’t.

I apologise my comment came off harsh, I do think he is hiding something more than just a mortgage. I would suggest you maybe see a solicitor to see where you stand…apart from finances it doesn’t sound like he is actually much use to you and your kids! Again sorry for the harsh response but I wish you all the best you deserve better ❤️

Depends where you are and the circumstances. I didn't even go to court. The Judge gave me everything.

and that bothers you because?

if he had investments of other kind, would that bother you all the same?

has he hinted at wanting to leave you? are you involved with admin or just enjoying the good life and are now upset that he didn't make quarterly financial disclosures?

maybe ask yourself if you are in this relationship for the money or for the love.

But when you put a deposit on a property, the mortgage lender wants to know where the money has come from and they also need proof, so I can't see that anything would have been hidden from HMRC or any other authority. Lenders have to do these checks in order to prevent money laundering.

In one sense that's good. He feels he's running out of arguments. ( Not that he had any).