I can't stand this no more

[icantstandthis]

Literally as the title says.

My husband thinks he's the bloody king of the universe. He's a bloody barrister not a world leader.

I am a qualified biomedical scientist but never worked in the field as Covid hit the year I qualified then I was pregnant twice so been out of the working world for a while. I'm not thick but Jesus Christ he tells me I am.

He apparently knows everything! I am always wrong.

Any opinion or idea I have on absolutely anything is wrong and he loves to tell me why. I've given up answering back and just say 'oh ok' and then his rants continue. This is on any topic from wall painting to current affairs. He even apparently knows more about women's makeup than I do and what looks good and what doesn't.

But do you know what really grates on me? It's the constant criticism and name calling.

The house will always be spotless when he comes home and he will say Why is this random wet item of clothing here on the stairs?.... it's obvious I've clearly taken the washing out the washing machine and dropped it and not realised. His response will always then be 'can't do anything right can you', 'fuck me your thick as they come' etc

Dinners not ready bang on 7pm when he walks in the door it will be 7:20pm. His response is 'how thick can you be, you know I get in at 7pm! Some of us work'.
Well tough cookies the children were messing about in the bath having fun so dinners a bit late

You get the jist

Do you know what's also fun about my husband is his damn paranoia. Any text message I get he reads and then questions me on it. Even messages from my mum which always end with his telling me whoever has text me is a psycho or a freak when my mum and or friends are all normal nice people.

Then he just pesters me for sex every single day! When I say no. He responds with 'I can't even stand the look of you'. Typical mind games

Arrgggghhhh I could scream.

What he doesn't know is thick little me has a new job lined up in May when my year maternity leave is over. What he also doesn't know is when my nan passed away in October she left me a decent amount to get a solid deposit down. What he also doesn't know is that I've spoken with my mum and she has said for me and the children to live with her for a few months once I start my new job and once I've been there long enough I can apply for a mortgage then so I will get one. What he also doesn't know is I'm divorcing his sorry ass but I'm playing it smart.

Just needed a rant

If you use his debit card to go shopping don't forget to get some cashback when paying as it won't show up separately on the bank statements, just get rid of the receipt, this soon builds up.

The OP thought the joint account isn't marital. It is. The OP thought inheritance is marital. It isn't (if banked separately). As others have suggested, quality advice and representation is needed. Get separate advice re the 'inheritance' until it's safe to disclose, if ever. Also delete the thread as it's outing and may get into the papers.

to coin a phrase, what a wanker, shame his father wasn't.

Yes OP well done!
I swear I felt so proud of you reading your last paragraph

Omfg, what a monumental, abusive prick!!!
I'm in awe of you, you brilliant, clever, strong woman! To qualify in your field takes incredible intelligence and raining kids isn't for the faint hearted! He is the one being thick and his fragile little masculinity is actually threatened by you!
Well done for planning your future free of that piece of shit, not long to wait now! 👋

I'm glad you realize it's not you, it's him. Please listen to the audio book 'it's not you' by dr ramani to cement this.
He is abusive and you need to seek legal advice and dv charity advice to leave safely. Make a plan before you tell him anything and make sure you have access to cash.

Op my ex was the same got so much worse when I was pregnant. It's so upsetting someone always says this on mn as if they're so clever they could never be fooled by someone pretending to be a different person for years.

Good on you :) He is abusive, it's nice to see you have a plan ready to be free of him. Your new life is on the horizon and I'm sure it will be amazing.

Me too!

Perhaps someone can link to the thread, but there was a lady who got cash back from the joint account while shopping, bought extras like bedding and towels to put on one side (in a storage unit but I'm sure your mum would look after) for her new home.

Where is your inheritance money? If it's in your name then he might be entitled to half of it on divorce. Ask your solicitor about a financial break clause so you both cannot claim on each other's future finances. This is the best outcome in your situation as you have an inheritance & want to buy a house.

Don't get too smug about your arrangements, you're dealing with a barrister who'll be very familiar with the law. Ypu will need a very good divorce solicitor to help you.

OP ask for this thread to be deleted. You are at risk of someone like the daily mail/bored panda etc picking it up and if all the details in it are accurate your husband may see it.

Or even just see it on your phone if he nosies on it. :-/

It's not worth the risk.

He's abusive and this is a dangerous time for you.

I at a similar stage of making plans years ago, tried my best to keep my cards close to my chest but he still picked up on me being different (maybe he could feel he wasn't getting to me anymore, I'm not sure how but he knew) and confronted me about it. Thankfully I was able to convince him nothing was amiss and left safely a little while after that, but it's a hugely risky time.

I agree with other posters that leaving now to go to your mum's and filing for divorce immediately may be more safe and helpful than waiting but can understand why you initially thought to wait.

Be careful if you get legal advice that he doesn't catch wind of it too.

Be sure to wipe your history on all devices and then add some generic visits so as not to arouse suspicion.

The advice to get a new secret device and email address is a really good one. You could use it to record his behaviour too if you feel you could do this.

@NewHeaven please read the thread. The OP doesn't have any inheritance yet!

Did you read the OP's post to the end?

I am so rooting for you OP. What a horrible man. Happiness awaits. All the best.

Obviously take the 'legal advice' on here with a pinch of salt - someone's friend knew someone who did x blah blah blah. Get the correct legal advice from a divorce lawyer. I would make an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible so that you know how to start navigating the situation from now and can avoid any pitfalls which may have legal consequences further down the line.

Fgs the op is not stupid ref legal advice she lives with a barrister!

I literally never post but just had to say good for you. Be super careful. Consider recording his behaviour via voice note or video. Show him who he really is, hold up a mirror

@icantstandthis oh to be a fly on the wall when he comes in from work at 7pm has to cook his own meal with no one to moan with about how late it is!!!! you have your life to look forward to. dont suppose he can manage the children on his own either!!

OP listen, change ALL of your passwords to ALL of your accounts. Facebook, Linked In, Messenger, even ebay and amazon. Do everything, dont forget Paypal too.
Limit past posts on Facebook and set to friends only if you haven't already. Go through view as setting to see how it will appear to non friends, then check your cover photos, they are usually public, but I think you can change manually them to only visible to friends . Even if you unadd and block him, he could get a chum to read through your posts and glean information. Tighten the leaks.

Do email account you've ever had too. Put a lock on your phone, set the timer to the shortest time so if you walk off and leave your phone unattended he can't look at it.
The advice from another poster about getting your mail redirected is a good idea.

My friend's ex was reading her whole life before she even realised he was a nut, so he knew when she'd started opening up to me, and when I told her that she needed to get away from him and that it was controlling, abusive behaviour. It put a huge grenade in her plans and his behaviour significantly worsened.

Keep new purchases at your mums too if you think he is the paranoid type. My friend's beast of a partner used to grill her on why she'd bought new underwear. He was going through everything!

I'm not suggesting that your partner is going to be this terrible, but having your shields up is a good idea when dealing with dickheads of any type. Good luck OP!

Just be careful with that inheritance.

Get advice on it

@icantstandthis you need to address the divorce papers to Jesus H Christ esq! I would not even tell him you are leaving. write him a note and tell him his dinner is in the tin at the back of the cupboard!! and remember you can still take money out the joint account! it is joint and is owned by both of you, it doesnt matter who puts it in. you are legally allowed to empty it!! the key here is cash, not accounts!

Ooh sneaky I like it. I guess just have to be careful how much cashback

Good! Make sure it doesn’t go anywhere near an account in your name until after your divorce is finalised. You sound very intelligent and strong and he sounds like a prize twat! Good for you for getting out.

Op well done for your plans. I salute you, when the day comes you will feel amazing and can start again. Keep your cards close and one day just leave.