I can't stand this no more

[icantstandthis]

Literally as the title says.

My husband thinks he's the bloody king of the universe. He's a bloody barrister not a world leader.

I am a qualified biomedical scientist but never worked in the field as Covid hit the year I qualified then I was pregnant twice so been out of the working world for a while. I'm not thick but Jesus Christ he tells me I am.

He apparently knows everything! I am always wrong.

Any opinion or idea I have on absolutely anything is wrong and he loves to tell me why. I've given up answering back and just say 'oh ok' and then his rants continue. This is on any topic from wall painting to current affairs. He even apparently knows more about women's makeup than I do and what looks good and what doesn't.

But do you know what really grates on me? It's the constant criticism and name calling.

The house will always be spotless when he comes home and he will say Why is this random wet item of clothing here on the stairs?.... it's obvious I've clearly taken the washing out the washing machine and dropped it and not realised. His response will always then be 'can't do anything right can you', 'fuck me your thick as they come' etc

Dinners not ready bang on 7pm when he walks in the door it will be 7:20pm. His response is 'how thick can you be, you know I get in at 7pm! Some of us work'.
Well tough cookies the children were messing about in the bath having fun so dinners a bit late

You get the jist

Do you know what's also fun about my husband is his damn paranoia. Any text message I get he reads and then questions me on it. Even messages from my mum which always end with his telling me whoever has text me is a psycho or a freak when my mum and or friends are all normal nice people.

Then he just pesters me for sex every single day! When I say no. He responds with 'I can't even stand the look of you'. Typical mind games

Arrgggghhhh I could scream.

What he doesn't know is thick little me has a new job lined up in May when my year maternity leave is over. What he also doesn't know is when my nan passed away in October she left me a decent amount to get a solid deposit down. What he also doesn't know is that I've spoken with my mum and she has said for me and the children to live with her for a few months once I start my new job and once I've been there long enough I can apply for a mortgage then so I will get one. What he also doesn't know is I'm divorcing his sorry ass but I'm playing it smart.

Just needed a rant

But not from one of his mates

If you’ve got access to money now, start buying little things too and stashing then at your Mum’s - towels, cutlery, etc for your new house, toys for next birthdays/Christmas, whatever you can get away with as part of your normal weekly shop, because I guarantee this arsehole will make maintenance and settlement etc a challenge. Is he self employed if he’s a barrister? Try to gather proof of income.

You do know that you don't need to speak the King's English to be bright?

And is often stated on here - it's only a forum so perfect English doesn't matter?

I would get some legal advice now though, make aure youbare on the front foot. My friend diverced a barrisger and he tried every single trick in the book to make it difficult for her. Keep a record of the abuse. Keep a secret diary on your phone and log everything. He will likely create a whole story to make you look bad and you need to be armed and ready.

Now you know you are leaving, I would follow the advise 'be a lady and leave'
This isn't about being submissive or polite it is about not being dramatic or giving ultimatums and throwing down abuse. Just go through solicitors etc and avoid the drama, even if that means involving a third party. The most dangerous time for women leaving abusive relationships is when they leave.

As others have said, I would just leave now unless there is a strong reason that you haven't disclosed as to why you can't leave until May.

You say you are moving into your Mum's house, so do that now and get settled and calm things down before starting your new job. The last thing you want is a new job and a split all happening at the same time. Your focus will be distracted from doing well at work.

He sounds horrible, so just crack on now.

To the couple of posters being unpleasant about grammar etc, we all make mistakes. I have an A in A level English, a 2.1 in a Humanities subject from a Russell Group and a subsequent 3 year post graduate qualification. But on Friday I accidentally wrote that we'd wait to "here" back from someone. A few mistakes at 2 in the morning are not the Gotcha you seem to think they are.

At least you have your ducks in a row. 👏

The fact he is a barrister and behaves like that is concerning.

OP please do come back and let us all know how you get on. So proud of you for thinking calmly and keeping a cool head. You’re so strong and it’s so lovely to read that you have everything sorted. I really hope you find peace and happiness soon, you deserve it.

Good luck.

Wasn't Rumpole supposed to have been quite wily and successful? The Registry will show, for example, whether other siblings or cousins inherited, and it be asked in court what alternative arrangements existed for the OP.

I would actually get this thread deleted OP - there is a lot of identifying details and if he's paranoid may search your phone, find this thread. Good luck with your plans.

OP get legal advice now and definitely wait to buy a house/wait to have your mum give you that money until after you agree a financial settlement with your soon-to-be-ex.

Would your mum be able to keep you if you had to leave before May?

Wow he really hates you.

Good luck in your new life upgrade op. It's going to be a million times better.

Get legal advice. You might want to start the proceedings now, before you're working and before your nan's money comes through...

Glad you're leaving the abusive twat though. You deserve better.

You are doing the right thing OP and well done for making a plan to get away from this abusive arse.

I would get in touch with your local domestic abuse charity too - mine were incredibly helpful when I escaped my abusive arse!

@icantstandthis I hope you have picked out and kept evidence of some of the best of his shit treatment of you so you can present a short list (long list?) of awful stuff he’s said (like the examples you gave in your first post) of why you’re leaving. Something like “would you say ‘this coffee’s shit” to anyone in the street? No? So why is it ok to say it to me. “I’m a scientist, so why do you think it is ok to tell me I’m thick” and so
on and then say - so there you go, thanks very much (for f@ck all) I’m off”.

Also, since he has no idea, I’d gather all the financial evidence you need for settlement NOW before he hides it once he knows you’re divorcing him …

Well done get out, sounds like a massive narssistic arse , control issues, worried about your joint account, u may not put money into it
but prior to your announcement to him! go to the bank and make sure he can’t run up an overdraft,as your name is on it you are jointly and wholly responsible!!!
I got caught like that.
also all paperwork you will need is really important
house/ mortgage deeds etc
plus and utilities in joint names basically everything.
once you’re gone you I suspect will be unable to get hold of any thing, book a van and go
but don’t give him notice.
i went through similar and my ex with years of form for controlling and manipulating making me feel like crap constantly putting me done isolating etc
get your ducks in a good solid row
good luck op

You are some woman for one woman OP ! I would love to be a fly on the wall when this absolute fuckwit gaslighter realises you are leaving him. It’s delicious!

I have read OP's posts but not all the replies so apologies if this is duplicating advice - however, OP, I would strong suggest you get legal advice as you make your plans to get out. He sounds overtly abusive to me and I would expect him to turn very nasty when you leave. You have made a good start but should also seek counsel on your own monies, what you should go after in a divorce, what evidence you will need about the current situation to present a strong divorce case. Ask your mum for some of the inheritance money and use it to get yourself an initial session with a solicitor. Good luck - you sound strong and I wish you all the best with changing your life for the better.

OP best post ever ! So sorry he’s an abusing twat . You are very very strong that you haven’t let this insecure horrible man destroy you.

Keep us updated. .
Best of luck to you and your kids. ❤️

@NewHeaven

RTFT. What is wrong with people today?!!

I think the money was actually left to OP’s mum, so it will be a gift from her mum rather than direct inheritance?

For me that is fully abusive and I would be saying fuck you. Surely you'd be better off single. He'd have to give you money, you could work if you wanted to, speak to whoever you choose, and you would no longer have to act like a domestic slave and listen to a barrage of vile insults. It might be surprisingly nice.

What a woman!
Hope everything works out for you as he’ll never change.
Resist the temptation to tell him too soon though.

Good for you Op. What a useless piece of trash he is. Glad you will be binning him soon.

As well as considering your finances, please also consider your safety and your DC's safety. He's shown you a nasty side of himself you never knew was there. There may be more and worse. Don't want to be alarmist, just want you fully prepared.

Wishing you the best in your future! xxx