I can't stand this no more

[icantstandthis]

Literally as the title says.

My husband thinks he's the bloody king of the universe. He's a bloody barrister not a world leader.

I am a qualified biomedical scientist but never worked in the field as Covid hit the year I qualified then I was pregnant twice so been out of the working world for a while. I'm not thick but Jesus Christ he tells me I am.

He apparently knows everything! I am always wrong.

Any opinion or idea I have on absolutely anything is wrong and he loves to tell me why. I've given up answering back and just say 'oh ok' and then his rants continue. This is on any topic from wall painting to current affairs. He even apparently knows more about women's makeup than I do and what looks good and what doesn't.

But do you know what really grates on me? It's the constant criticism and name calling.

The house will always be spotless when he comes home and he will say Why is this random wet item of clothing here on the stairs?.... it's obvious I've clearly taken the washing out the washing machine and dropped it and not realised. His response will always then be 'can't do anything right can you', 'fuck me your thick as they come' etc

Dinners not ready bang on 7pm when he walks in the door it will be 7:20pm. His response is 'how thick can you be, you know I get in at 7pm! Some of us work'.
Well tough cookies the children were messing about in the bath having fun so dinners a bit late

You get the jist

Do you know what's also fun about my husband is his damn paranoia. Any text message I get he reads and then questions me on it. Even messages from my mum which always end with his telling me whoever has text me is a psycho or a freak when my mum and or friends are all normal nice people.

Then he just pesters me for sex every single day! When I say no. He responds with 'I can't even stand the look of you'. Typical mind games

Arrgggghhhh I could scream.

What he doesn't know is thick little me has a new job lined up in May when my year maternity leave is over. What he also doesn't know is when my nan passed away in October she left me a decent amount to get a solid deposit down. What he also doesn't know is that I've spoken with my mum and she has said for me and the children to live with her for a few months once I start my new job and once I've been there long enough I can apply for a mortgage then so I will get one. What he also doesn't know is I'm divorcing his sorry ass but I'm playing it smart.

Just needed a rant

I'm so glad you are able to leave OP.

I'd personally use this time to gather video and audio evidence of his behaviour because i think he will go hard after you legally and reputationally. He will point score with the children and make your life hell.

Edited to add this case where a man used video, audio and photo evidence to record his wife's abuse towards him: https://criminalinjurieshelpline.co.uk/blog/my-wife-my-abuser/

I agree.
He will want a slice of the pie (money).
Plus there will be tax implications.
Get the best legal advice you can.
He will.

Are you in the UK ?

@beansinyourears I thought the op was being ironic by using a litote as it's something that would really piss off someone whose trade is words, ie, her DH.

Fantastic plan OP. He is awful. Leave abd dont look back.

I thought that too.

Did you actually read the whole post? I think not.

Well done OP snd good luck.

I’d be recording g and logging everything I could with the police as someone like this will need someone to abuse and it’ll be your child next unless they protected

If the inheritance is in a separate bank account, has never been mixed with marital finances or used for joint purposes, it will likely not be viewed as a marital asset.

Yeah
Have to play the long game. Mum cannot pass any on to OP

Other people have said it but mention nothing about the inheritance - not even to your solicitors (they'll have a duty to declare it). Technically as you've mentioned , it's not even legally yours so pretend for now it doesn't exist.

I'm so very pleased for you OP. There's light at the end of the tunnel and you've made it so!!

I have questions.

1. If your ducks are lined up, why not go now? Life is too short for this shit!
2. Can you DM me his name so I don’t instruct him by mistake? (I’m a lawyer 😆)

He sounds verbally abusive op. I’m sorry you have had your world turned upside down but at least you have your family supporting you.

Id love an update when he finally realises you are walking away!

Agree. My DH has bipolar disorder and the effects are absolutely nothing like the OP’s description of her DH’s behaviour. So much awful behaviour ascribed to mental illness when in fact the person is just a nasty piece of work.

Good for you! Good for you! Good for you!

And this is not your fault and neither your husband's fault - in the UK everything is warped in terms of recognition and value - for example, barristers are thought to be extremely clever (very often they are not). The society conditions them to think they are special, same as with GPs - whilst what you are doing is extremely special and no GP can do a shift on a pee bench or a poo bench, they just don't have the knowledge. However you could stand in for a GP and google symptoms, or properly explain patient test results, but the society has been conditioned to think that doctors are special, barristers are special, even using this idiotic phrase 'this form has to be signed off by a professional' - like only lawyers and doctors are professionals. That is why often doctors and lawyers behave like wankers - but it is not their fault - the society lets them get away with it.

But just because the society lets them get away with it, there is no need you should and now you simply have to come back here and tell us about the look on his face when you tell him about divorcing him!

Not sure if this has been mentioned already so if it has, apologies. Please make sure that your mum has made a will leaving the money ring-fenced from your grandmother to you. So if something happens to her before you have the chance to move out and buy a house then you know the money is still coming to you. I know it feels unlikely but sadly these things do happen. Obviously if you are already the sole Beneficiary of your mother's estate then this is less of a risk.

I often read posts on here angrily wishing terrible things on the partners of women posting, but what I wish for your stbxh is a for him to find a partner who is more established, more unpleasant and who pecks away at him every fucking day of his life and makes him doubt his achievements in life as he will always be secondary to his new partner. I hope that she eats away at his confidence and arrogance so he feels the way he’s made you feel. I also hope he would rather give you money than have any custody because he sounds awful.

Its actually a hobby at this point wishing Ill on abusers. I often say to my DP if autopsies weren’t as thorough these days I think poisoning would be all the rage again 😂

Your assumptions about assets may be incorrect. The joint account is marital so it IS half yours. Your inheritance arrived while married and this may emerge during investigation. It may still then be non-marital, but if you're pretending it's something else it may be subsequently claimed as marital. He may be arrogant enough to represent himself outside his specialism, but equally he may be acquainted with the best divorce specialists and able to call in favours. You should get specialist (not cheap or generalist) divorce law advice now. It will pay off. Inadequate advice may leave you in long, expensive arguments later on, while precise planning can head off any challenges. Best of luck.

Contact the police via a 101 and get his current behaviour logged. You can do this over the phone or via an online form.

Likewise I would find a local DV charity or help centre.

He might deny all this moving forward. My horrible ex did. He tried DARVO - deny and reverse victim and offender, and tried to suggest that I was the abuser. I wss relieved to have the previous records. The advice from the DV charity was invaluable and the police tagged the house in case things escalated. Good luck. 🍀🍀🍀

LOVE this for you. You absolute kick ass, bad mother! Amazing. Good luck and please keep us all posted on your journey.

I think that's true. Spot on in my case. My husband was like this - even when the kids were older. He stormed off e.g. once when he was annoyed with some feedback my son got at parents' evening and once when I suggested we move closer to the band at a festival! But he's Disney dad with the kids now they've grown up and in fairness he'd never have abused them.

He's very manipulative and charming though so he has won them over as the 'fun' parent which is annoying.

It's also annoying that he's nice to me now I don't need any support and have my own money. I should have left years ago.

I worked in pathology for many years until I retired.

You need to be good at science and maths.

He's an abusive twat and you are awesome, OP!

I'd pay good money to see the look on Mr Oh-So-Smart's face when you leave and issue your divorce petition.

I hope you find a very experienced divorce lawyer, and make sure you get half his pension fund along with everything else. My ex tried to hide money when we got divorced, but I'd started copying his bank statements and could show he'd been paying large chunks to his sister.

Your life will be so much better when he's out of it.

Can I just ask you to look to the future for a moment?

My own very dear mum stayed in an abusive, name calling, I’m always right marriage for the security, house, small moments of when it was ok. I can imagine being married to a barrister would be very prestigious!

Anyhow my mum is in her 70’s now and still married and almost every time we talk, she speaks of a wasted life and how much happier she would have been if she’d have left him, even if was just her by herself.

If there is no reasoning with him, call it.

You’ll heave a huge sigh of relief not having to answer to ‘lord and master’ day in, day out and as I’m sure everyone has said, don’t stay for the children… they always know when mummy and daddy aren’t happy.