Why not married with children no career- i don't understand

[Stressedgiraffe]

I know this will be inflammatory.
I got married at 27 .first child 29 second child 31.
I worked nanny's/ childminder then school childminders/after school nanny's.
There have been periods when I've been a sahm.

But we have worked as a team.
Now teenagers my dh is unable to work.
I can support everyone.
I pay for everything as he did when I was a sahm.
Difference is ill be doing this for the rest of my life.
You need a fall back. You may have a high earner. My dh earned £100k a year then nothing.due to disability.
You need to think about being able to support your family.
Before anyone pilles on we have a seviourly autistic child who can never leave home.

Have you applied for DLA for your autistic child?
If your DH looks after them for 35 hrs a week then maybe he would get carers allowance which will pay towards his state pansion, because at the moment he may not even qualify for that, as may not have enough contributions, especially if he is supported by you. Is the child benefit in his name - again this will ensure his NI contributions are counted, even if you dont qualify for it because of your earnings.
He should have been entitled to contribution based ESA when he got sick - thats not means tested and its lifelong - so there may be a chance he can still get it, and possibly, but not likely, backdated. These things may all have a knock on effect that you MAY, especially with a £2K rent, qualify for some UC, due to an adult and a dependant being disabled, and a high rent.

And yet when you read threads on here where the woman is the highest earner by far and they aren’t married, the advice is always to keep all of her savings for herself as well as topping up her pension fur herself. Never is there an advice along the lines of ‘don’t be a twat. You’re a couple so you ought to share your assets fairly - aka 50/50 - with him’.
Actually no one is expecting a male partner to ‘share their assets’ either……

Because you know… they’re not married….

I'm disabled and it effects my ability to work... regardless of that I have zero urge for a 'career'.

I have done 'jobs' here and there in the past (all in different unrelated fields) and studied lots of different thing (I love learning and diversifying) but the thought of putting everything into pigeonholing myself into a specific thing to define me seems utterly ridiculous and I have no idea why people would want to do that.

I assume the answer (as it is with all career people I know) is 'money' but although I am good with money and never had debt in my life I am happy to live within the simple means I have with no urge to chase money or being richer. I am perfectly happy where I am in life and roll with it as it comes. There are far worse things in life than being 'poor'.

This is only sort of true.

You can get illness cover/ insurance.

I'm a SAHM, if I die the mortgage will be paid off and a large 6 figure payout. If I become disabled or have a serious injury there's a large lump sum and then a yearly payment.

Same with DP of course, but obviously higher numbers. I'd probably chose to downsize and get a part time job if the worst happened but hopefully have enough to raise my children until adulthood.

My insurance against the relationship ending is that my name is on all the properties and I have full financial access to everything!

That sounds so difficult for you @Stressedgiraffe . Your DC are teenagers so those who will be independent have a few years and then your money will stretch further, hopefully. You’ll have the worry of the future of your disabled child in a way people without a child with a lifelong disability affecting independence can never understand.

Good in you earning 70k
Vent as much as you want and keep your head up, proudly providing for your family.

It sounds so difficult. All the best.

Exactly this, I earn a good wage, both of us work full time in education roles. But our combined income is still less than £70k.

There is an element of privilege to the post that isn’t considered here. The idea of it being ‘only’ £70k!

We would never be in a position to be singly or jointly earning £100K ever.
I’m confused why life insurance or critical illness cover wasn’t taken while on that nice big wage. Or be able to access a pension early if medically retired.

Perhaps that’s the real message, no matter the circumstances your wage level and expenses. Plan for the future.

It is important to secure your future. I stupidly gave up my job to follow H’s. Luckily I was sensible enough to get another job, vital when the company H worked for went bankrupt. We’d have been fucked if I wasn’t working.

I have SAHM friends with no careers behind them, nothing to fall back on at all and H’s not even earning high wages. Both have had instances that should have shaken them up ( very near death of one H and other H unable to find work for an extended period - he’s freelance and getting on in age) yet neither have taken steps to get an income of their own. Neither have insurance set up to protect them either. I get they have lovely non-working lives, but they are precarious lives with still young children to support. I could not live like that.

I'm so sorry, OP. You have a valid point, but then, I also think that you and your family have all been extremely unlucky. An autistic child, cancer, house lost, husband disabled.... it's like a disaster after a disaster. This is very rare to happen to many families all at once, I think...

Or indeed the career.

It sounds like you have been through so much, and work really hard to support your family 💐

I hope you are receiving all help possible and wish you and your family the best x

I get what you're saying but life isn't as simple as that.

I am married with a part time, minimum wage job. We have insurance to protect us if my husband couldn't work for whatever reason and I would pick up hours and work full time if I needed to.

I don't have a career because it didn't work out. Many years ago I ended up in hospitality and had my sights on being a hotel manager. It wasn't long before I realised it wasn't for me and I was considering changing paths but we decided to have a child instead. Hotel management is a tough job, to get there you have to work stupid hours on little pay so it made absolutely no sense to stay full time earning just over minimum wage whilst losing money paying for nursery.

So I ended up finding a part time hospitality job much closer to home so I could still bring money in.

My husband on the other hand whilst I was working stupidly long hours earning pittance had chosen an industry where the hours were steady and the pay was a million times better so when the time came to have kids it was obviously going to be me who made that "career" sacrifice.

Had I chosen a different degree at 18 things may have been very different but we make do with what life gives us.

A career isn't the be all and end all in life, we can't all be earning mega bucks but there needs to be some sort of protection in case something goes wrong.

I think you have had and still continue to have a lot of unfortunate events in your life . Even one of these would be enough to break people .
I hope that you are able to get support in real life as you seem to have a lot on you . It is important that you and your husband both get a breathing space from time to time , even if a nice bubble bath , reading a book etc .

Again , I will say ignore the judgey posters , who say why didn't you do X & Y ? I would have done this ...Really not helpful now .

£70 k is a good salary , but not in the SE and when you are the only earner .

I think you have to look at the short term , medium term and longer term and how you can get some financial stability . It must also be a worry for you to have to go from owning a property to renting . I fully appreciate that not everyone is in the privileged position to own however .

Obviously bringing down your accom costs would be a start . Are there any options re local authority / housing association properties ? Are you on any waiting lists ? Are there any local charities that can assist you with checking you have accessed all the resources available . Are there any support groups you can reach out to ?

Could you plan to move to a cheaper area in the future , when the children have left school , nearer family ?
Take care

What exactly are you implying? That the comments and advice on MN are gospel? That people posting anonymously with absolutely no investment in the situation should be revered as sages?

The advice to women is often different because their situation is different going forward - they often are the primary carers, their careers have often been impacted by having children whether they return to work or not, the gender pay gap and the patriarchy in general all count against them, married or not.

Bottom line, however, if you have have lived a life with someone in terms of having children and raising them then you're a twat if you cannot or will not provide fairly whether you're a man or a woman. It can be done - and again, if you're getting married to force decency from your partner then perhaps you should have a look at your situation.

She did, they lost the house.

You’re a couple so you ought to share your assets fairly - aka 50/50 - with him’.
'
'Fair' doesn't mean 50/50. In fact, 50/50 is wildly unfair in many situations. 50/50 doesn't stand up very well when subsequent childcare isn't shared equally, individual circumstances, unequal earnings - and earning potentials - aren't accounted for.

Surely the lesson from this is to have income protection insurance and most certainly life insurance as well. What if anything happens to you as well?

There’s also a question how someone on £100k has not bought a home. Renting into retirement is not affordable for most people.

None of that is income protection insurance that guarantees you a regular income until retirement though. But it's something.

You’ve been through a lot, I’m so sorry you’re struggling. And it is a valid point that put me off staying at home. I was too worried in case what if something happens.

I’d check what it covers carefully then as sometimes it can just be throwing money away with the caveats.

I have insurance that gives a lump sum and then an amount per month until youngest DC is 18.

Lump sum wouldn't quite pay off the mortgage but would be a good chunk, and again monthly payments not quite equivalent to a great wage but definitely enough to be helpful.

But as mentioned in pp, my insurance is caveated and impacted anyway in account of preexisting condition so presumably would be better if that weren't the case?

Your son should be getting PIP and your husband can then get carers allowance

I have. I took it out exactly to protect against an issue, fully aware and disclosing my medical history and its limitations