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Why not married with children no career- i don't understand

154 replies

Stressedgiraffe · 21/01/2025 23:57

I know this will be inflammatory.
I got married at 27 .first child 29 second child 31.
I worked nanny's/ childminder then school childminders/after school nanny's.
There have been periods when I've been a sahm.

But we have worked as a team.
Now teenagers my dh is unable to work.
I can support everyone.
I pay for everything as he did when I was a sahm.
Difference is ill be doing this for the rest of my life.
You need a fall back. You may have a high earner. My dh earned £100k a year then nothing.due to disability.
You need to think about being able to support your family.
Before anyone pilles on we have a seviourly autistic child who can never leave home.

OP posts:
Frowningprovidence · 22/01/2025 08:40

PreferMyAnimals · 22/01/2025 08:36

Life insurance will pay the mortgage if you have taken out enough life insurance to cover it. You need more than that though.

Yes, so my friend should have taken out life insurance to cover the mortgage and some extra. But they made the assumption that as a stay at home parent she earned nothing so didn't need insuring as he earned all the money, but they didn't factor in that it would still cost money to replace what she did.

I think its useful advice for anyone with a stay at home parent to think what would happen if they died, not just the earner.

Wasptv · 22/01/2025 08:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bearbookagainandagain · 22/01/2025 08:42

Horserider5678 · 22/01/2025 07:05

Life Assurance, if you don’t have it I suggest you take it out now. If one partner dies you only get a percentage of their pension.

Life + critical illness insurance if you can.

I have the second for myself and for my partner, so if either of us is impacted by a major operation or illness we get some cover.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

PreferMyAnimals · 22/01/2025 08:42

Frowningprovidence · 22/01/2025 08:40

Yes, so my friend should have taken out life insurance to cover the mortgage and some extra. But they made the assumption that as a stay at home parent she earned nothing so didn't need insuring as he earned all the money, but they didn't factor in that it would still cost money to replace what she did.

I think its useful advice for anyone with a stay at home parent to think what would happen if they died, not just the earner.

We were advised that you need ten times the annual income you think you'd need in life insurance (and that's not even counting the mortgage being paid off). For both parents.

Proudestmumofone1 · 22/01/2025 08:43

Agree with everyone eg @Frowningprovidence

Surely it is about financial planning including insurance?

The fact your husband doesn’t have a pension doesn’t sound like you have made good decisions…

I nearly died last year through an unexpected emergency health situation. We had a few days of ‘waiting’ (long story) where my husband and I realised that he wouldn’t be able to afford the bills, mortgage etc if the 70% mortality risk came true.

That was a stark wake up call to do things differently.

I can’t get life insurance (have tried endlessly!) due to my conditions but we have had to make big financial decisions to avoid these consequences if something were to happen.

Financial planning for all eventualities is key. Not just as simple as working.

researchers3 · 22/01/2025 08:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Oh I hate it when posters do this - track other peoples' posts. - What have you got out of saying this exactly?

HScully · 22/01/2025 08:52

Stressedgiraffe · 22/01/2025 05:36

"Only 70k" is about 4k. Our rent is 2k so and bills food etc. It doesn't go far. No savings. I have a pension dh doesn't

Only 70k my wage is 29k my partners 30k - you earn as much as both of us put together. Granted that you are in an expensive area but it is not a small salary the issue is that you have to support your whole family on one salary

Wasptv · 22/01/2025 08:53

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yoyoyoman · 22/01/2025 09:12

HipToTheHopDontStop · 22/01/2025 08:28

You can insure against it, by having legal rights in marriage, and by having a career to fall back on

Legal rights don't count for as much as people like to imagine if either there's not much money to begin with or DH deliberately tries to screw you over. Most women I know have struggled financially following a separation, married or not.

If the partner is going to be someone who will only contribute fairly to an ex partner who they have children with because they are forced to by legalities, I would suggest you have a problem on your hands either way

Not having a pension or insurances or savings as OP finds herself is equally as 'vulnerable' and 'short-sighted' as the MN crime of not being married

Viviennemary · 22/01/2025 09:15

I agree. Head in the sand approach from folk depending on partners earning large salaries is not wise.

Harrysmummy246 · 22/01/2025 09:18

No idea what your point is really to be honest

MyNewLife2025 · 22/01/2025 09:22

You have a point about being in a couple/married.
Apart from all the love stuff, one thing it’s giving people, from BOTH sides, is safety.

Im now disabled too and yes the fact dh can still work is making a huge difference to my safety. It’s allowing me eg to follow on treatments I wouldn’t be able to do otherwise (from private consultant to supplements).

Wo that safety, I think people really need a strong critical illness cover. And a strong pension. Very few people do. In part because things are tight, even thig her when you’re single. In part because it’s not something people think it will ever happen to them.
And yet 20% of the population is disabled…. It’s not that uncommon.

MyNewLife2025 · 22/01/2025 09:23

Bearbookagainandagain · 22/01/2025 08:42

Life + critical illness insurance if you can.

I have the second for myself and for my partner, so if either of us is impacted by a major operation or illness we get some cover.

But will you be covered of you get disabled? Or chronically ill - like you won’t ever get better and able to work?

PreferMyAnimals · 22/01/2025 09:25

MyNewLife2025 · 22/01/2025 09:23

But will you be covered of you get disabled? Or chronically ill - like you won’t ever get better and able to work?

We will. It's insured income payments until natural retirement age, if needed.

Xenia · 22/01/2025 09:26

I am glad we both have always worked full time before and after our divorce as that has meant more financial stability to the family. I am a lawyer and he is a teacher. I also think couples should avoid working in the same business they own too as that puts all eggs in one basket. Spread risk.

Needmorelego · 22/01/2025 09:32

Workhardcryharder · 22/01/2025 08:39

Would be pretty difficult to support a family on a “jobs” wage.

Depends on the job 🤔

MyNewLife2025 · 22/01/2025 09:32

To those saying it’s not enough to be married because your ex will screw you up if they want to ….

You’re still going to be better off than if you’re not married. Unless you’re the highest earner by far. Both because of the division of assets and because assets will be bigger (savings from living as a couple vs alone).

Plus the OP is mentioning the safety associated with staying together. Not what happens if you separate. Which might happens, esp if you’re a woman getting disabled. But you’re still having a buffer you wouldn’t have otherwise.

Saying you should behave as if you were single by being financially independent etc…. Is all smoke imo.
Yes ofc it’s better to still have a career. Fur many reasons, not just the risk of getting divorced or a widow. But not everyone will be able to. Not everyone has a career. And your living situation might not make it the best solution for your family or for you.

Tittyfilarious · 22/01/2025 09:33

I can understand that the op is trying to warn against not being able to earn your own money if something happens but in ops situation there doesn't seem to have been any back up plans in place no policy to protect them from that situation. I'm a sahm and there are policies and insurance plus some savings in my name to support me should anything happen to my DH because it was important to us that those things were in place before we even had our children. Ops thread title should have been to make sure you have these things in place if the shit hits the fan because if you don't it can be very hard to manage.

MyNewLife2025 · 22/01/2025 09:34

PreferMyAnimals · 22/01/2025 09:25

We will. It's insured income payments until natural retirement age, if needed.

That’s very good. Not many critical health insurrance do that. There is often a limit.
(Thars assuming there agreeing to fulfil the terms of the contract. But that’s a different discussion)

Cluborange666 · 22/01/2025 09:36

PreferMyAnimals · 22/01/2025 05:43

Yes, it's too late now to plan better financially but, OP, you need to insure YOUR income. If something happens to you, there's no-one left to fall back on, so do it while you can.

She’s not going to be able to access any kind of critical illness insurance since she’s already had cancer. They are really difficult about it.

frozendaisy · 22/01/2025 09:37

Basically every so often you need to sit down as a couple and do a financial audit, with worse case scenario thrown in, including what happens if both adults died, who looks after your children, how will that be paid for.

Pensions, some pensions you hand the whole lot over. We can pass ours to the kids. So saying you only get a third is not applicable in all cases.

You can be protected legally if not married you just need to pay a solicitor to draw up the documents. And take out insurances for job losses and illness.

Most people think about this from time to time. It doesn't have to be a judgement about if one of you not works.

I agree not being married AND giving up work AND not having alternative legal protection put in place is foolish.

It's boring and adult and sterile but if you are adult enough and in love enough to have a child together these answers should be a doodle.

But people are messy, they make mistakes and bad choices, most of the time it turns out ok.

It's good to use a public forum to warn others of the potential problems of a potential future. As always there will be those who ask dumb questions or make stupid comments about what you should've done, or how great they are doing it. Judgement and smugness is abundant it would seem, empathy and thanks less so.

Yoyoyoman · 22/01/2025 09:37

MyNewLife2025 · 22/01/2025 09:32

To those saying it’s not enough to be married because your ex will screw you up if they want to ….

You’re still going to be better off than if you’re not married. Unless you’re the highest earner by far. Both because of the division of assets and because assets will be bigger (savings from living as a couple vs alone).

Plus the OP is mentioning the safety associated with staying together. Not what happens if you separate. Which might happens, esp if you’re a woman getting disabled. But you’re still having a buffer you wouldn’t have otherwise.

Saying you should behave as if you were single by being financially independent etc…. Is all smoke imo.
Yes ofc it’s better to still have a career. Fur many reasons, not just the risk of getting divorced or a widow. But not everyone will be able to. Not everyone has a career. And your living situation might not make it the best solution for your family or for you.

You’re still going to be better off than if you’re not married. Unless you’re the highest earner by far. Both because of the division of assets and because assets will be bigger (savings from living as a couple vs alone).

Possibly. But people are capable of sharing assets fairly without being forced to by law.

If you're getting married to protect yourself against your partner being a dick, then why are you marrying them?

YouAgainDamnIt · 22/01/2025 09:41

Agree, things change, partners leave, people get ill. If both parents can support the family it negates some of the risk. I worked part time when my dc were little but purposely stayed in work relevant to my career path and developed myself and then my career kickstarted again when they were both in secondary school. It’s an investment in yourself to stay employable if you can.

PreferMyAnimals · 22/01/2025 09:54

MyNewLife2025 · 22/01/2025 09:34

That’s very good. Not many critical health insurrance do that. There is often a limit.
(Thars assuming there agreeing to fulfil the terms of the contract. But that’s a different discussion)

It's not critical health, it's income protection. So, basically, if an income can't be earned in the role engaged in, for any legitimate reason, they will cover the agreed percentage of it.

MyDeftDuck · 22/01/2025 10:03

Stressedgiraffe · 22/01/2025 04:27

Only £70 k

ONLY 70k!!! I worked FT public sector putting myself at risk every shift and didn't earn anything like as much.