Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

One other thing
As per my previous post I had a similar DH who I ended up leaving

I’d stress the need to go back to your own profession rather than helping at his work. Partly for a sense of accomplishment and social engagement as something other than his ‘employee /wife’ ( and he will regard you similar to an employee but in the role of wife)
But also
When I left my husband he made it very clear that he placed very little value on my non financial contributions to the family in terms of the care of the home and children. He simply didn’t regard it as important.
it was important to able to support myself and the children until a settlement agreement was reached.

He isn’t going to change. The only thing you can do is to change your response to him.

You’re already self-sufficient in parenting/ household terms. It gets easier as children get older. Make sure you prioritise your own career- don’t let him hold you back. Don’t do any work to support his business- you don’t have time for that. Use household finances to pay for support you need to buy in while you manage your career and children.

Make sure the financial side of things is in order- if it’s his own business, what stake do you have in it? Who owns your home? As others have said, make sure you both have life insurance.

If he won’t go on holidays, is there anyone (grandparents?) who could come on holidays with you?

You say in your OP that he is kind but to me, he sounds incredibly selfish. I personally don't think I could remain married to such a person.

Chose not to have kids, but happy to join a parenting-focussed website in order to say unkind things to people who do have children? Do you love kicking people when they’re down as much as you love work?

He’s not going to change and you’re not going to leave him, so this is what the rest of your life looks like.

If you don’t want that, you know what you have to do.

Since you made it clear you don't want to divorce, the answer here is to throw money at the problem. Outsource EVERYTHING. Cleaning, cooking, childcare, dog walking, shopping etc. Surely you can afford it since he's a high earner. Use that time to do hobbies etc., so you don't care that he's not around because you have a life.

Otherwise you're gonna end up resenting him so much that 10-20 years from now you'll wish you divorced him

This is so sad. But probably true.

Thanks for taking the time to post it, not a perspective I’d thought of.

How old are your children and do you have full visibility and access to all the family finances? If you do and you don't want another relationship then I would stay put.

Currently you are parenting alone with the benefit of being married to a high earning partner. If you divorce he isn't magically going to start bothering with the children. You will still be parenting alone just without the financial benefit. If that would still bring you peace then it is worth doing but it sounds like you want to stay married. I probably would too in your situation so it's time to acknowledge that you are not married to a man, you're married to a bank account and should organise your life accordingly.

I would live my life on the basis that he is not around. If he turns up, great but otherwise you outsource what you can so you have some help whether that's cleaner, gardener, babysitter, whatever. Plan your holidays with DC and let him know where you'll be if he has time or inclination to join you. Build yourself and your children a full and interesting life and time for friendships.

I can totally see how this wouldn't work for many women. I have a friend currently divorcing her husband in similar circumstances because all he does is work, he spends no time at all with their children and they don't have sex. But he is also a nasty piece of work, if he was more pleasant she has said she'd stay married purely for the money and nice house. As it is she is leaving and will hopefully find a proper partner rather than an ATM with legs.

He is a kind man

He really isn't. And I'd be wanting to go with him on one of these trips to see exactly what he's doing, sounds very suspicious.

I couldn't live like this, you may as well be single.

Well, I don't think that @devilspawn is really so 'off the mark' although I think that he/she could have put it a bit more 'kindly'. I'm assuming that he/she, having made the decision not to have kids, and would be loud and clear about it to any potential life partner and would not marry or be seriously involved with someone who doesn't feel the same. My DS1 doesn't want DC, period, and makes it clear. The problem is that it seems that women say "Oh me too" but in their hearts they know they want them and think they can change his mind. Or that they, themselves, change their minds down the road.

But I don't want to derail, so let's all just assume that OP and her DH mutually decided to have children.

RTFT

All of the above!

I have, and if you had too you’d see I’d copped to my mistake here!

Absolutely time to stop waiting around for him Op, always stressed waiting to see if he'll be coming home or going on holiday, always trying to include him. Sadly, he doesn't want to be included so it's time to stop trying, he doesn't even care enough to protect his own health because the business is his obsession. Just stop and live your own life, don't worry about what he wants, see your friends, take the kids away, buy whatever help you'd like and when he sees fit to turn up don't make a fuss of him.
Since he's self employed maintenance for the DC could be an issue if you left, so if you're not looking for a divorce I'd wait until the DC are older.
One day he'll look around and work out he's made a big mistake but by then you won't give a damn

I have a friend who I have know through 3 marriages & for some reason she always went for the same type like OP's husband??
Thankfully she had her own career & no children, but she always seemed so lonely in her marriage, I even told her so & then found out her father had been a bit of a waster with a poor work ethic so I guess she saw men that worked hard as something she wanted.
In a strange twist of fate husband No3 only just survived Covid & I think that gave him a perspective wakeup call. Now both retired and living life to the full, to the point where I don't see much of her now 😐

Unfortunately some men people who don't want to do things will find endless excuses to avoid whatever it is they don't want to do. I have dated men like this and it's soul-destroying.

If you don't see the point in getting divorced (I can understand your reasoning) then you'll need to completely change your mentality about the situation. Act/live as if you are a single/solo parent. Just don't factor him in anymore. Book the holidays you want, when you want and off you and the kids go and enjoy yourselves. If they see him, great. If they don't, great. Treat his presence or absence as incidental - it's an irrelevance in a sense. He doesn't want to be part of the family but wants to provide financially. If you don't want to divorce him then accept that and live your life exactly the way YOU want to and for your kids. Use the financial security of the marriage to him and give yourself the freedom of mind of a single parent.

I do wonder though, is his business really doing that well or is he working himself stupid so that it doesn't go under and you discover that it has massive debts/loans? I would hate to think he dies of a heart attack from overworking and then you discover there is no money and you're in debt to the tune of millions.

What I would do in this situation, not saying it is right, is emotionally disengage and focus on myself and the children. As you say you're not seeking another relationship or a step mother for your kids. Then when kids are grown I would tell him to get fucked.

I hope he is a very high earner and makes your life very comfortable as I can't see what the point of him is otherwise

You know what? Men like this are quite likely to lie on their deathbed trying to figure out a new method of making a business deal work successfully/ avoid paying tax or how to become even more successful and admires. It is their life.

BIL is a fully signed up member of this club. SIL decided to make a great life for herself and the kids and he could join in if he was around. He even worked at whatever his latest case was on Christmas Day if he had a couple of hours free.

He has a very significant life threatening episode and for a little while it seemed he might change but no, he’s an addict and doesn’t know how to be anything other than Peter The Very Successful and Famous Accountant (not real).

Hes actually really nice, I love him but he is still all of the above and more.

Good luck OP. You will cope better when you stop caring or hoping for change. Ironically if you mention you’ve booked a fortnight in the Maldives at Easter but not to worry you understand he won’t be able to make it- well he might just be free.

Unfortunately, a lot of men think this. Many men like the idea of having children to pass on their DNA but actually don't want to raise their children. I personally couldn't be with someone who shows so little interest in my children.

I would hire help, if he can afford to pay for it and invest time into yourself. There is nothing anyone can do to change anyone, so don’t waste your energy. It’s a shame for the children but they do have you, and he is around in some context, and he is providing, so just make it as comfortable for them and yourself as possible.

You are describing my dad. Travelled the world (we didn't), achieved amazing engineering feats on several continents.
When he died, we were given a couple of dozen photographs - two thirds were of parts of oil rigs.
A great friend, popular with us kids - home every couple of months, lifts to school and spoilt before he buggered off again, finally forever.
I describe him as something of a lost soul, the rest of the family achieved so much more when he finally left.

I would disengage from him/pretend and focus on my own wellbeing OP.

I have one of these DH’s
You just need to decide what you want, you’re not going to change him and you’re allowed to be sad you aren’t getting what you want from the marriage. Life isn’t always a fairytale though so seriously consider what you do/do not get from him and make a choice as to whether you want to leave or stay. Totally up to you.

For me, it’s better to stay. DH is a great provider, I love my house and my kids are settled with great lives. One of our kids is disabled and the upheaval of divorce would be so detrimental to them. So I’m here. I make friends elsewhere and build a life without relying on DH to be my friend or co parent.

Thing is, ‘DH’ could have had this discussion with OP, but for whatever reason(s) wasn’t actually as invested in the actual reality as might have appeared. It’s not that unusual. And OP says he wasn’t this bad back then, so I think she expected them to be a bit more equal as partners.