Why did my husband bother having a family?

[Alonebutmarried]

Since he’s clearly not bothered about us.

I’ve been a single mother, as in parenting alone, for my children’s whole lives. He is a complete workaholic, spends most of the year away from home. If he is home, he usually leaves before anyone is up and gets home around 9pm.
It is impossible to pin him down. Example of how it is - if we want to do something like a holiday, it can’t be longer than 5 days, has to be booked many months in advance, I have to remind him weekly, he will still accept ‘completely unavoidable’ work, usually end up working the day we leave so we then have to travel there separately which means I end up doing all the packing and travelling kids about.

He takes no part in schools, hobbies, Christmas, birthdays etc. He doesn’t go to the Christmas play etc because he’s working. His workload is unreal, he works 4-5 peoples worth of jobs which is all his own choice. He expects me to help run the business to the detriment of my own career, which I have to do extremely part time and with no time for professional development. He is never around for childcare.

He is successful and makes good money. He is a kind, well thought of and well-liked person. The children love him. But in all honesty I am growing to hate and resent him.
Any attempt to discuss this ends in a horrible argument, since I ‘don’t understand the concept of hard work’ ‘happy to spend it but don’t understand he has to earn it’ ‘he’s doing it for us’ ‘things will be better after xyz project.’

The children haven’t seen him since Christmas as he has been working away on a big project. He was supposed to take a break to visit us, but hasn’t had time apparently. This Friday he said he would visit - great! But it turns out this is only because he has a business meeting for the next project which is being held not far from where we live. So he can break away from the current project for that but not for an actual visit to see us.

I said oh great, the children will be so excited. They will be home from school at 4pm. Then asked today what time is your meeting? He said he’s booked it for 4:30. WTF said I, the kids are expecting to see you! Well work is important, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

It might be easier to stay now while he’s paying the bills but men like this often leave their wives high and dry after 20-30 years of marriage. I’ve seen it all too many times on here. The kids grow up and suddenly the man wants out so whatever you do make sure you are independent of him too.

You intend to stay with him - and I quite understand your reasons. Along with the ‘organise your life without much reference to him’ I would add, make sure he’s paying you properly for the work you’re doing. Get him to give you a monthly amount, put it in an account which is in your name only - or take it from the joint account if that’s your set up. It’s more tax efficient to hold assets in your sole name, so if it makes it easier, agree that it’s going in a savings account/investment for the family. That way, if the shit ever does hit the fan, you and your children will at least be financially secure.

You also need to consider quite carefully how this will work out once your kids leave home. Will you want to still be married to him then?

The reality is that he has a successful business and needs to employ others to assist him. That way he can make even more money. Also it might be worth asking him who will take over the business and run it successfully when he has the fatal heart attack?

On his deathbed, assuming he gets one and hasn't dropped dead from stress, will he wish he'd spent more time on the business or with his family?

Your children don’t idolise him. They are on their best behaviour for him - as with any Disney dad - because they feel abandoned and worry he will remove the little contact they have left. It will be affecting their self esteem. It’s not normal for kids to always be nice to their parents. you will get all the crappy behaviour because you are their safe space who they trust won’t leave.

I would disengage and stop all the reminders and including him in plans / holidays and just live your own life with dc. Put stuff in a joint calendar and then he has to opt in. Book holidays without him. Stop facilitating it.

There is a benefit to having your dc financially provided for if you genuinely don’t want to leave. Especially uni age when child maintenance or financial support is voluntary. Unless money is put aside in kids names for uni already.

secure your finances eg pay into a pension equally with joint money

Your dc will appreciate you when they get to uni age (yes it may take that long). Mine are lovely to me after years of being the grumpy, stressed out parent who got the rough end of it. I wouldn’t change my relationship now with the dc for his. He’s like a uncle or godparent they visit.

Can he hire someone else to do the business side you do. I would want to be taking back as much control as I can so maybe work is one area you can push back if you are certain you won’t leave.

My situation was different as ex and I split up but he then chose to move away from dc and see them rarely. My dc have been really resilient but at least one probably should have had counselling about their relationship with their dad. Don’t rule out the possibility this will show up as teens eg dodgy relationships, attachment issues, anxiety, eating disorders. To me the fact dc change their behaviour when he’s home shows they aren’t ok.

A friend entered into a marriage like this. He was also abit of a knob. Ifs actually weirdly worked out ok for her (though not a good relationship model for their kids). She’s extremely self sufficient he funds their life as a family. I genuinely don’t think she would care if he was unfaithful. She’s actually perfectly happy. I think it’s sad though she openly admits it’s not a “proper” relationship. But she’s got her children and had an amazing lifestyle unlike our single friends who have neither…

On the flip side..
My dad was a workaholic but not quite to this extreme. He realised once we were a bit older and grandkids started to arrive that work wasn’t everything. He couldn’t be a more amazing dad and grandad now.

He has a home address for official purposes, but he's in no way a partner to you or a father to his children.

Ask him if he'd be OK if you got yourself a boyfriend who would be available for sex four or five nights a week seeing as he isn't interested, for holidays so he could just not bother with that chore, for going to the school plays and supporting the children so he wouldn't feel bad that there was onky ever one person cheering them on, for helping you sort out the car on an icy morning as more hands make light work, etc.

Sort of like a husband, but real, not a figment of your imagination, and a real father figure for the children, not some shadowy figure who's never there, someone they only dream about and build up their hopes for.

@Alonebutmarried

I would be quite worried about the impact that this work stress would have on his life, I know a business owner ( main provider) who dropped dead recently and he was only 53,

"Yes I do worry about this. I voice my concerns regularly and to the point (I am a HCP). He agrees then carries on as he was. I have arranged and driven him to medical appointments. He then refuses to take time off to follow up the findings.
What can you do?"

Honestly, just make sure he has 'hefty' life and disability insurance policies. I know that may sound snarky or mercenary, but in my former job I worked with the families of deceased 'high flyers' and you'd be surprised at the number of them who have left their families high and dry because they either had no or inadequate life insurance. I think so many of those workaholic types also think they're indestructible.

So review family finances; what it would take to pay off the house, fund your DC's educations, and supply adequate income to maintain your lifestyle (or at least not cause it to plummet drastically). This is especially important if you are a SAHM with no qualifications to enable you to quickly reenter the job market at a 'living' wage.

Time off to do what??? To spend time with your family.. it’s like he doesn’t see that as worth while. The sun will only shine out of him so long, as the kids grow they will see that you’ve done everything and he’s done nothing and when he’s retired he may well want to spend time with them and they possibly won’t be interested! He may want care, they may say well you weren’t there for us! And he may want to spend time with you, and you may say well I’m busy with friends as I filled the gap you left

And you above all need to stop doing his business stuff for him. Create your own career. He can hire someone to do work that needs to be done.

If this wouldn't work, insist he puts a significant sum into your pension monthly to offset the loss you're going to take if your career stalls.

I would definitely stop doing anything for his business. Tell him clearly and firmly that your spare time is for your career development - end of. That should remove one source of resentment at least.

And yes, I’d probably do what you’re doing - just parent solo and get on with my life. But no time spent on his business.

Then what?
Me - ‘very well, then I shall divorce you’
Its just not how real life works sadly.

Well yes actually, it is.

Absolutely this.

Life and disability insurance are must-haves.

His self-worth and self-image are completely tied up in his big shot/ alpha provider role, so that is the angle you need to take when insisting he takes care of this.

Tough one...

It could be seen both ways.

1. He doesn't care about his family as he's never around.

1. He cares too much, hence why he's perpetually working to support them.

Sounds really tough @Alonebutmarried
Personally I wouldn’t leave though - I would live a great single mum life without worrying about money. Being single and fighting for money is hideous.
He will reap what he sews in terms of his kids in the future. Be there for them and plan things, let him know but don’t chase him or nag. Go for a fortnight holiday and let him leave when he needs to. Don’t even chase him. Start to love your life, do nice things for you, pull back from his business and do what you need to do work wise. Look after yourself.
Find out about the finances and ensure mortgage and pensions are in order for you if something does happen and that the life insurance policy is big enough to cover mortgage and living exes.

I am assuming if he’s working this hard voluntarily he can’t be too poor so ensure you have good access to funds.
who knows if he sees you being so independent and getting on with life, he may halt and check himself. He sounds like the sort of man who won’t respond to repeated requests but needs to work it out himself.

Step back from him and his business. Concentrate on your own life. Don't make yourself or DC available for his "visits" by cancelling other things. If he appears unexpectedly that's a nice surprise but you won't be disappointing them if he cancels. He can pay someone else to do his business stuff and you can focus on your own career. Sooner, rather than later, your DC will realise that they are not a priority in his life. Teach them now not to depend on him. I don't think divorce will change your life much, it's up to you if you think it will help you to move on.

Well you can stop nagging him for a start, that's probably his biggest source of unnecessary stress.

Did he actually want kids, or was it just you badgering about it?

I am the same as him, but I knew I couldn't love kids as much as my work so I didn't have them in the first place.

My exH like this was actually the one who pushed for the children …. Like ticking off something on the “ to do” list.

it sounds like you actually considered the well being of potential children , but I think my exH was too self centred to do that

Is this a serious post, or just a chance to get a dig in at a stranger on the internet?

Poor ickle man, can't possibly be expected to step up into the responsibility of emotionally supporting the children he has helped create.

Totally agree with others who have suggested you stop waiting for him. You want to stay married and I understand why. So focus on what you would like your life to be life with your children and use the money to help create that. Don't wait on him. Holiday without him. Enjoy life without him. Get as much help in the house as you can (cleaners etc) to leave you all the time you need to focus on enjoying your children and your own life.

When he gets to the end of his career and looks back, I just hope he doesn't regret the choices he has made. Because, by then the kids will be grown and his wife will have (hopefully) created a full life for herself that, sadly, won't have a lot of space for him.

You need to get on with your life without factoring him into any plans or aspects of it. Stop enabling this “Disney dad” behaviour and restricting holidays etc because of him. Just get on with life, plan to do lovely things with your kids, add it to your joint calander and if he’s about he can participate. Don’t change or cancel plans because he appears home.

My spouse works away and mentally I feel so much better having made this decision years ago.

You sound lonely in the marriage. You are carrying everything all of the time. And his actions speak loudly. He is with who he loves the most then you and those lovely children come in next. A point will come and your children will be away and you will need to leave at some point just before that because your resentment will have grown so much to destroy you. He comes home to maybe bounce ideas off you or tell you his good news about something ..his audience perhaps. Maybe dissolve the audience for him as he does not audience your life nor turn up for it.

I don’t think you should shut up, check out and stay. That isn’t healthy and your kids will be growing up with a very strange perspective of what’s a normal relationship.

Everyone is assuming OP has unlimited access to hoards of money which might not be the case. Plus you could never keep up with the pretence when he is at home.

I was thinking the same thing. Sounds like he has another home and that's where he spends his time.

Gosh, what an apt username. I hope you feel better now x