Is it so shocking that I dont have “the girls”?

[Sidebeforeself]

I was talking to a friend at the weekend - someone Ive known a long time but she is part of a couple rather than “my “ friend if you see what I mean. She made some comment about doing things with “the girls’ and I replied that I dont have that sort of a friendship group. She was really taken aback and I could see she felt sorry for me. I explained I have a decent number of friends but they dont know each other, dont live in same city etc so that kind of friendship is never going to evolve for me. She made me feel very unusual.

I must admit I do struggle to make friends and am actively trying to I make more but it left me a bit paranoid. Not least because when I then considered my other friends I realised they do have all female friendship groups! Am I weird? Am I missing out?!

I have various groups of "the girls" from school, sixth form, uni, flatsharing, a previous job that employed a lot of graduates at the same time, a mum group, a sport, and an online group that went IRL.

Not everyone does things the same way, and that's okay! I'd be rather annoyed with her for pitying me for not having a group of 'girls'.

I recently left the 'girls' group that I've been in for 25 years. Life is so much more peaceful and a lot less bitchy and negative. It was habit keeping us together and we actually had nothing in common with very different lives. I also realised that none of them were true friends. You're definitely not missing out.

Nor me. Have always had friends , but they’ve been in their ones and twos , rather than a great big group, mainly due to work and home circumstances. When you live 100 miles away from where you work , team do’s become a ballache to go to , and work friends tend to live very far apart. And when you’re not at home for 17 hours out of every working day , and those are shifts , it means meeting your neighbours is rare. It’s fine , it doesn’t bother me , because I’m fairly self sufficient anyway, but I suspect I’m far from unusual.

Im exactly like you OP and I wouldn't have it any other way!! X

I am in a 'girls' group although we are mid 40s. However due to us all having different lives etc we meet up about 3 times a year. For me I do not have any other friends so rarely go out. The others all seem to have groups of other friends so always seem to be going out but me, rarely do anything!

Its normal to have separate friends. I would say she lives a bit of a shielded life if she doesnt realise that people have different social circles and her way isnt the only way. Sounds a bit like a secondary school set up.

I don't either. I used to want this kind of thing, but as I have got older, and watched other people's friendship groups fragment as they fall out over trivial things or go through different experiences, I am glad I have kept my friends separate.
At one point, I did think I had found a female group. It became obvious they had just allowed me 'in' out of some kind of misplaced pity. And I started seeing how superficial and bitchy they all were behind each others backs. I quietly stepped away and stuck with my individual friends, or groups with a common interest/hobby.

I’ve had it at certain points earlier in life at uni and work. Could have had it with the school mums group but I couldn’t be bothered by that stage and they wouldn’t have been natural friends more forced, so not right now but have friends I’ve kept over the years!

This is not accurate

I'm autistic and this is an alien concept to me, therefore, I really like people, but since I get burned out with social interaction, this wouldn't be sustainable for me.

I think this comment about a retirement home is quite true actually. My DM has dementia and the major change is that she has loads of friends now and goes on a lot of exotic holidays, including cruises sometimes. The whole thing is imaginary but she's having an absolute blast.

I used to have a group of female friends but they were my office mates, and then a little bit the mums at the school gate. In my experience I only get this kind of thing through work or volunteering. I would never be able to have a group like this just by being friends with people without anything else drawing us together.

I have never had this usually individual friends or as a couple, I find hen do’s incredibly overwhelming

Yeh, I always feel a bit sad or like I'm defective in some way because I've never had a "girl group", even though I've had girl groups form adjacent to me, such as colleagues who have become a tight-knit gang, but I've never been one of them or included. It is what it is, I have great friends, we just don't move in a pack like that.

No I've got all separate friends of both genders. One of my best friends is a 74 year old man.

She may be nice, but sounds very narrow-minded to be unable to imagine that another person's experience of friendship and life may be different from her own.

I think I'm very lucky, in that I have a group of friends who were originally mum friends of my son's class. We were a very sociable class in general, but 6 of us have remained good friends beyond our kids drifting apart/moving on to uni etc. We get together a bit erratically these days, but I can still rely on them and we have agreed to try to meet up as a group more. I also have 3 very good friends who I spend time with one on one.
I find my friendships need a bit of time to keep them nurtured (which I am happy to do). It's too easy to let things slip, and you don't notice until it's a bit late.

I don't have a group of girl friends. I have 4 separate friends, I actually prefer it that way.

Fair enough. I don’t fundamentally disagree, I just cut more latitude with women describing their same sex outings, or men wrt lads night out…frankly the female equivalent in my Yorkshire dialect of “ lasses” night out is a tadge more palatable than girls night out…but I’d respect you objecting as a friend if a knew you 😊

Harsh 😂.....but adult women referring to other adult women as 'girls' in that way does grate me at bit.

I would have found this comment/reaction quite upsetting - in fact as it applies to my own circumstances as well, it made me feel a bit uncomfortable and introspective to read - which I’m not saying to make your post all about me, but rather to show that it was the kind of throwaway comment that can cut quite deep.

I’m guilty of referring to groups as ‘the girls’. But we can’t say ‘ladies’ as that’s hideous, and ‘women’ sounds ridiculous. So it’s ’I’m out with the girls tonight’…

There’s nothing wrong with it OP. Don’t let anyone else’s perceptions make you feel inadequate. There’s no “normal” and “not normal” when it comes to having friends. As long as you have trusted people in your life that’s all that matters.

But, (and this isn’t directed to you OP, but to other posters on this thread) there is also nothing wrong with having a group of girl friends. I’m early 30’s and regularly meet up with my “girls” who have been friends since school and our early 20’s. We range from taking the kids to soft play, to family BBQ’s with the OH’s and to nights/meals out. We aren’t “bitchy” and “two faced”, and we certainly aren’t “living life as a schoolgirl and hadn't grown up yet.”

I'm exactly the same. I did have a friendship group from school but we scattered all over the place after uni and some people's parents' moved away too so there is no longer a "home base" of our parents to meet up at at Christmas or whatever. Now I'm over 50 it's just too difficult to meet up, we're all at different stages of parenting our own children, different job commitments etc etc.

I MUCH prefer socialising with just one or two other people at a time anyway, I have always been like that, since i was a child. Can't stand the drama of large group socialising. And I just don't get much from group female gatherings, they're different to mixed male/female groups. Hen parties were always a nightmare for me, so much drama! It always surprises me when I see photos on Facebook of people going on big group holidays as a gang of women or men at my age now that people are past the 18-30 or stag and hen stage. But I guess they're just more extroverted than me, or have more annual leave allowance and/or holiday budget than me and that's fine.

I just prefer one on one deeper conversations than more surface chit chat and banter than you tend to get in large groups. And there's more disagreement about where to eat/what activity to do when there are a lot of you. Just can't be doing with it.

If I want female company on a holiday I go away with my female family members. I work with mostly women every day and I enjoy their company a lot, but I've got no desire to go on nights out with them regularly too.

I know people who have a group of women friends and that's nice for them. Absolutely not what I want out of friendships, I am like you I have lots of friendsships but they tend to be one on one. If I know someone from a group situation I'll occasionally see them in a group but more often than not I'd spend more individual time with each group member.