Is it so shocking that I dont have “the girls”?

[Sidebeforeself]

I was talking to a friend at the weekend - someone Ive known a long time but she is part of a couple rather than “my “ friend if you see what I mean. She made some comment about doing things with “the girls’ and I replied that I dont have that sort of a friendship group. She was really taken aback and I could see she felt sorry for me. I explained I have a decent number of friends but they dont know each other, dont live in same city etc so that kind of friendship is never going to evolve for me. She made me feel very unusual.

I must admit I do struggle to make friends and am actively trying to I make more but it left me a bit paranoid. Not least because when I then considered my other friends I realised they do have all female friendship groups! Am I weird? Am I missing out?!

I agree, although I do see quite a lot of group holidays amongst high earning professionals who are scattered all over the place but knew each other from working together in their 20s in London etc, who go on mixed group holidays together every year or two. eg skiing. They tend to be a very extroverted personalities though. I'd find that large group socialising totally exhausting, especially nnow that their kids are involved in it all.

As others have said, the only people I know who do things with "the girls" have not lived away from their home town since school and have kept the same friendship group since then, or joined baby groups and kept some friendships up over the years.

I’m qualified in spray tanning (and lashes, and nails) and shock horror, I am also university educated and a professional working in the NHS.

Hopefully me and my ‘girls’ don’t cackle too loud when we’re on the next table to you at afternoon tea. You can keep the cork from our Prosecco bottle if it flies off in your direction though, they’re meant to bring good luck 😘

Despite going to an all girls school, or maybe as a result of it, I never used to be someone who had a gang of female friends (aka the girls); my friendship groups were always mixed and at least half of my closest friends through my late teens and early twenties were male. To the extent that my “hen” weekend was basically just a giant house party with 15-20 of my best mates!

I always swerved the school gates mum scene as it was super bitchy and I didn’t really quite fit in. And I wasn’t looking for more friends given that I already had plenty. But, somehow, I have been incredibly blessed to end up with two separate gangs of female friends, all of whom are utterly bloody amazing. One group are women I’ve known for a minimum of 20 years, and they are all friends with each other. We are all friends with each others husbands too (& they with each other). Our kids have grown up in each other’s houses. I wouldn’t have really thought of them as a distinct “female” group until the last few years, but I think it’s definitely part of the dynamic. The other group I met through a hobby a bit more recently.

i don’t think either group really conforms to the classic “girls gang” (no “ girls weekend/girls night out” type things), but we share a huge amount of personal information with each other, support each other, cheer each other on, and take joy in each other’s company. It’s lovely, and I’m incredibly grateful, but I certainly don’t take it for granted or assume that it’s the norm for everyone.

I have a small group of close friends, we met when our teenagers were babies.

I really appreciate their friendship, but we don’t manage to get together all that often, and we don’t do lots of nights out and socialising together. We probably see each other individually more often, just due to family commitments etc.

I think it’s important to have friends, but certainly wouldn’t get hung up on having a girl gang as such. It’s definitely not all cocktail nights and afternoon teas together in my experience!

""The girls" as a name, is hated on Mumsnet. I've never known folk get so uptight about a simple term of endearment."

I know, it's ridiculous the things you shudder to say on MN because it evokes a self-important kneejerk response from those desperate to be in the MN gang.

We all know what someone means when they say 'going out with the girls tonight' and, far from being infantilising, I assume tippling or otherwise adult pursuits might be happening.

I don't have "the girls" to go out with these days but I did for a while in my 40s.

I've actually found it's been since kids that I have got my group of girls. Before then my friends were all spread around, no one local, hard to make new friends. But since having kids I've got an evolving and interconnected group of solid female friends - some of us have been friends since we had our first babies nearly 15 years ago, others more recent additions, but I really feel well set up with my friends group now. The core of the group had eldest kids at the same primary and now mostly at the same secondary. I realise not everyone is lucky enough to find their tribe among fellow school mums, but I did.

I’m glad the general tone of the thread has shifted slightly. It’s ironic that the bitchiest comments have come from those who assume a group of “girl friends” are a bunch of bitches. Maybe some of you should try getting to know people before you make assumptions.

But no, “the girls” and I don’t drink Prosecco, do spa days or do spray tans (would be pretty pointless since most of us are already black). We go to each other’s houses, we take each other’s children on days out, we go for meals, we have a mini book club, we go to the theatre, we go on hikes and we just generally enjoy each other’s company. It’s rare that we’re all together at the same time but when we are it’s like magic!

I do not have a bunch of mates I socialise with. I have been out with a bunch from a previous job and absolutely loved it but I moved job and some of them have moved on too and it all dissipated.

I agree with the pp that said that you have to have planets aligning for this to work.

I like seeing them all as individuals.

I love female company and have several groups of close women friends dating back decades who I see on average once or twice a year and keep in touch between via birthday cards and WhatsApp. The groups are around 4-6 people in size and date back to school (a home town we’ve all since moved away from), Uni, workmates from a few years in another country, a bookgroup. I love the trust and commonality we all share, the intellect and collective experiences, the laughter and kindness.

Yea, we do sometimes refer to these groups as “the girls” and no our activities rarely involve alcohol or pubs (these days). More like hiking and weekends away visiting interesting places or being hosted by one of the group at their home. I also see several of them on an individual basis, 121, or with our partners as a four. I feel very lucky in my friendships.

But horses for courses - and agree the disparaging tone from some posters about female group friendships is really sad.

More absolute nonsense. High earning educated professionals who live in countries other than that they were born in definitely have strong female friendship groups.

I am one and I do, as do most women I know.

There seems to be some defensiveness in this thread, but there's really no need to invent such ridiculous put downs as "you must be poor educated and low waged, living next door to your ma if you have a female friend group".

Offensive and weird.

I do have a close friendship group from university but we are scattered all over the world. I think the most of us that have ever managed to meet up together in the same country is 4 and that was 15 years ago.

I go on girls nights (middle aged) with a few different groups of women.

I'm friends with their partners too so we also have couples nights out.

I haven't read the whole thread but some of the comments I have read are hilarious.

'The Girls'. It's just a name. A term.
As a PP pointed out, it sets the scene for a fun time together.
Am I 'infantilising' my DCs who are 25 & 27, by calling them my children?
Should I use 'offspring'?
I should probably stop calling my cats 'my babies' too!! 🫣

@3catsandcounting And don’t call them “your kids” otherwise some posters will think you have goats, apparently

'The girls', Patsy in Ab Fab although I do know some that are still modelling themselves on her, all these years later. Sad. You're missing nothing, have the friendship groups you want.

In my clubbing/party days, I used to have a group of girls I’d regularly hang/go out with, but as we’ve all got older and some have had kids, got married etc, we’ve all drifted and don't see each other anymore, apart from Facebook updates etc as we all have different priorities now and don’t do much partying.

I have 2 girls I class as my best friends, but they’re both from different areas of my life so I only hang out with them individually as they don’t know each other.

I don’t see it as unusual.

I have 3 groups of "the girls" and feel very lucky to have them and such long lasting friendships. Some are school mums, some are from my new-ish town but the oldest group -c10 of us - all went to school /uni together with a few added on along the way ..We are spread all over the world now but try do a girls trip together each year and it's wonderful. Usually we manage 8/10 of us but plan a long way in advance for big birthdays etc to get 10/10 there... it's uncomplicated and fun. We aren't a group of big drinkers though - love a coffee, a beach and /or city break.. as I've gotten older I realise how lucky we are to have met friends and to have all grown up together rather than apart. It seems to be more rare to have met at 14 and still be friends in our 40s now....We've seen each other through boyfriends, jobs, marriage, divorce , babies, teens.. Really grateful to have them. I don't think it's the end of the world to have 1 or 2 separate close friends but I think the stars aligned for us all and they are there (mostly in the group chat) through the mundane, the highs and the lows..

If it didn’t bother you until someone said it wasn’t fine then I’d leave it 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s fine OP. I think a lot of people are in the same situation as you especially as people tend to move more for work, friendships drift due to growing apart. Don’t listen to this friend - just enjoy the time you spend with your friends and the relationships you have

This is normal for anyone who is drawing on a community of interest. It’s not going to come from nowhere. So school, uni, sports club, school parent group, workplace, small village community. Any space where people are brought together repeatedly without having to plan and organise it as a social occasion, can result in a friendship group. I have ‘the girls’ from my village I guess, though obviously the phrase in itself is cringey.

I had "the girls". Turns out they were bitching behind my back. So now I don't have "the girls". Its not unusual at all.

I wouldn't say so,I have never felt the need to have a group of girls/women to meet up with on a regular basis,I think it's just down to your own preference but I have found on occasions when asked out and I have politely refused you do get judged as being boring etc.I don't need to explain myself or feel I'm any different just because I prefer not too.

When I was younger (I’m 49), I had a large group but I was a teacher in a secondary school and there were about 8 of us that were all around the same age and most had partners. I don’t work there anymore and am only in regular and close contact with one former colleague. She tells the others that are still there about my life since leaving but none of them make an effort to reach out except that we exchange birthday and Christmas cards by post.

I have several different friends from different areas of my life, and there is even a tiny bit of overlap, but there’s not a crowd I could go out with on a Friday or Saturday night.

I don’t think either kind of friendship lifestyle is odd or wrong, it’s just not how my life has evolved since those heady days of my mid-late 20’s!!!

I know this is probably gonna sound bad, but I often think how glad I am to not be a part of ‘the girls’ type group. I see posts on social media of them going on girly holidays and hen parties - or even worse, hen holidays, with matching pyjamas that say ‘Team Bride’, and just thank God.

I think it's quite normal for women of all ages to refer to a group of female friends as 'the girls'. What do you think they should say? I'm having a night out with the women?