Is it so shocking that I dont have “the girls”?

[Sidebeforeself]

I was talking to a friend at the weekend - someone Ive known a long time but she is part of a couple rather than “my “ friend if you see what I mean. She made some comment about doing things with “the girls’ and I replied that I dont have that sort of a friendship group. She was really taken aback and I could see she felt sorry for me. I explained I have a decent number of friends but they dont know each other, dont live in same city etc so that kind of friendship is never going to evolve for me. She made me feel very unusual.

I must admit I do struggle to make friends and am actively trying to I make more but it left me a bit paranoid. Not least because when I then considered my other friends I realised they do have all female friendship groups! Am I weird? Am I missing out?!

Despite being a reserved fairly quiet kind of person I've ended up with 3 groups of "the girls" and it feels as soon as you've seen one group, it's time to see the next. It can be exhausting. Also hard to please everyone and find a time to all be free to meet, not to mention the messaging.
I think separate friendships could be more fulfilling and could facilitate a closer friendship.
You aren't missing out x

I have a few very close, special female friends. Not a huge number but enough that my social relationships feel rich and rewarding. None of them really know each other though! I don't think you need a group, though I'm sure it's lovely.

To all those that say they’ve not had these types of friendships including OP but would like it, just don’t seem to be able….

there is hope!
im now in 60s, having retired in late 50s. I know I had groups of friends at school and uni, it went a bit downhill when started working, and then picked up a bit when part time with kids and mums and toddler type friends. Reached a bad point when kids went to secondary, and senior positions at work, with few,if any, friends which lasted until just a couple of year ago. That’s becuase I worked long hours, never lived anywhere in my life for more than 12 years, moving up and down and around the country hundreds of miles.

Kids then left home permenantly after graduation. And a few years later sadly ended up divorced. I moved yet agian to an area where I knew no one . Despite being very introverted I knew isolation is a key indicator of poor mental health and even dementia, and FORCED myself to join some hobbies groups. U3A was bloody brilliant. But so were some other individual groups. I did that thing of not saying no to anything. I suddenly found myself with likeminded people , also wanting to form friendships..and that old school playground liberating phrase of “can we be friends “ or variations of it, came back into existence.

I am now a “lady who lunches” (well takes tea and cake !), has multiple sets of friends as groups or individuals, has some besties for all occasions and can call up various people for supportive favours and returns that.

I never thought I’d be in this place. But it’s lovely and life affirming. It’s even more amazing to me how so many people are wanting friendship groups and are afraid to make the first move to ask a “stranger “ to meet up .

but it’s so hard to do that when you’re a busy mum, or working full time. And when you’re juggling that together, with maybe being a carer thrown in you’re just exhausted and stretched.

that time will pass, you will eventually find more time for yourself. Try to keep some interest going .when the time is right join stuff you’re interested in. Find your tribe. Have the courage to ask people out for a coffee, to come round for tea, etc etc. they can only say no. But mostly they don’t and are delighted to be asked.

if I as an introvert can do this, divorced, with a trail of emotional baggage..you can to! Hang in there, ready and willing.

@Marshbird Thats a lovely , uplifting post!
Thanks to those of you who have been reassuring

I'm not policing anyones language.

I'm questioning why people choose to use a dismissive and incorrect terminology for adult women.

Do people who describe adult women as girls genuinely not know the difference between an adult and a child?

I have separate friends but also one girl group that has lingered on from university. I say lingered, because we actually only meet up now about once or twice a year (living in different cities/ countries) but quite active in our group chat. We are all quite different now so I do sometimes wonder if it is just habit keeping us together. I much prefer the time spent one on one with the other friends to be honest.

"The girls" is just a group of friends. My "girls" are three women and two men. We've known each other since we were children although we weren't actually close then because of the age differences.

We go to each others events, have movie nights and game nights, and go somewhere for the weekend occassionally. No one drinks really because we can't be bothered to make alternative arrangements to get home. We just get together, eat crap, talk, laugh. It's nice. It's not any better or worse than having individual friends. In fact it's much easier to do things with individual friends because you don't have to time things to get everyone together and there is more variety. One of my other friends likes to go for nice big lunches. Another is very fit and active so we usually do something outdoorsy. Etc. They're very different from each other and I doubt would be friends if I brought them all together. I'm as close to them as I am to the group.

I don't think it is possible to manufacture a friendship group. They usually form organically from some common factor. Maybe joining a group-based hobby or activity would help. It's definitely harder to make friends as an adult full stop. Life is so busy.

I don't have this (also have lots of separate friends and a few different groups vs. one regular group) but would like to. I think female friendship can be such a beautiful thing and have been thinking recently that I want to invest more in old and new friendships this year. Once you have lost a friend or two to illness you really start to understand how important they are.

You're not at all odd though, OP. Create the friendships that work for you.

I have a couple of circles of friends, male and female - some my own, some mine and DH's - and individual friends dotted all over the country (and a few overseas). Most have long since moved on from the areas in which we grew up.

This is how I like it. Something about The Girls seems pretty childish to me.

Don't have a girl gang or any close friends x

I get your objection to girls referring to women. Absolutely a patronising thing to say when referring to women in professional context, legal, financial or pretty much anything.

BUT, What we’re talking about here is friendships. That includes some eleventh of fun and play. Good friendships include the serious adult shit, but they also include the nights of shake of responsisibity and worries and just play.

in this context women referring to such friends and activities as “meeting up with the girls”, or “girls night out” is actually quite pertinent. It reflects a degree of to hell with adulthood burdens.

however, I’d certainly be a bit rankled by a partner saying “off with girlies tonight then.” That is him making assumptions on dismissing the notion we could have any serious conversations on politics or state of nation. not his call. Or anyone else’s.

a group of friends saying it to each other is the cultural context of that torus and sets the scene for expectations of the meet up. In that sense it is fine. It is pretty accurate to describe how the women feel - like they did as teenagers probably.

Does that make any sense?

Never had 'the girls' either .
From these groups l have known there's a hierarchy and they are a bit cliquey. Also very attention seeking and outlandish, boring and trying to out do each other

Not my experience at all.

I feel very lucky that I have 3 groups of ‘girls’. Some of them have been my friends for 40 years - the start of secondary school.

One group (of 6) I’ll see maybe 8x a year. We go for drinks or have an evening at one of our houses. These are mum friends I met through the kids’ primary and we all live in the same town. Another group of 4 are my secondary school friends. We tend to do dog walks and coffee but do evening meals and nights out with all the husbands too. The third group of 4 are uni friends and we don’t live close. We have a weekend away once a year and the odd meet up if in London.

All of these ‘girls’ have enriched my life and mean the world to me. No cliques, not hierarchy or fallings out. Friends really are the family you choose (for me, anyway).

There is nothing wrong with what your situation is, and I agree that marshbird's post was lovely.

I am not in the UK anymore but used to go out with "the girls" sometimes and it was good fun. It had a different vibe from being in a mixed group, or just with one or two friends. So if the opportunity arises with the right group, go for it. But not having it is not like not having a limb! It isn't a prerequisite to a good social life. And only fun if you like and get on with all "the girls". The group of women I knew were lovely and good fun, but there were other groups i knew of who I wouldn't have been so tempted to spend an evening with.

well good for her...I don't have any of those sort of friendships either with 'the girls' and it's not harmed me

I had "the girls" till multiple fell out with various!

Still see them all separately but it reflects on them not me!

I don’t have such a group.

I do have the girls type of groups, but I prefer my more individual friendships that feel much closer and more trusted. The girls are good for a night out, a glass of wine but not much more.
My one to one friendships offer much more depth. There are no group dynamics to wrestle with.

Do you have an issue with “boyfriend” as a description of an adult male exclusive partner who doesn’t live with you?

Very well put.

I'll say I'm 'going out with the lads' when I'm out with my mixed friendship group. As you say, it's a signifier, not a description of who I'm with. 'The lads' just means we're a gang who are planning on being a bit rambunctious that night. I use it to refer to any collection of my friends on a night out.

Reading threads on here, I'm glad to know that it's normal not to have a group of girl friends.

I have friends from different areas of life, not many, just a handful (some I may see a couple of times a year). Not all know each other, If I brought them together at mine it would probably be awkward.

I would use the term "partner" or "man friend".

This

No 'the girls' group here either...I do have plenty of friends but most don't know eachother...I do often think it would be nice to have a girl gang of 4 maybe to regularly do stuff with but in saying that alot of it can look all rosy on the outside but in reality they might be 'frenemy' situations where they are not true friendships. Don't worry about it!

I hear what you say.
But I actually have a problem with the concept of adults " playing" , unless it's in the context of playing a sport, a card game, or whatever.
Yes of course people want to relax and get away from everyday responsibilities but I don't see how it's ever appropriate for adults to behave like children or teenagers. So I don't think it's ever appropriate to call them anything other than the correct adult terminology.

It's fine. I don't have them either, mine are more individual.