Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

I am a primary school teacher.
I’m on a little less than a 1/3 of your salary.
I don’t think being a teacher means I have a better job than anyone else (personally, I regret not going corporate but I was young and idealistic once!). But I also don’t think your husband’s salary makes him 10 times a better/ more productive/ more valuable person than me.

It’s a salary. It’s not a measure of your worth as a human being.

This is one of the most ridiculous posts I have seen here in a long time, I actually have to wonder if it is a troll.

@user263758910 hire someone to come in to 0rep food weekly. I wouldn't want to cook if I earned that much

I think you need to change your thread title from:

Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

to:

Can never feel proud of myself as DH is a dick who belittles my job and refuses to pull his weight

Why do you presume earning more means working harder ? You could earn more but have more time to cook and clean...or you could just better at it.

The post is more about how he makes her feel about her "low" salary, which suggests he has an ego problem.

I do a minimum wage job and my husband earns a lot more (though much less than you!) He also hints at me picking up the slack but I stand my ground. I'm very proud of what I do, it's hard work and I try to do my best every day. If you focus on giving it your best then you have every right to feel proud no matter what you earn.

Have some counselling, explore your thoughts around the value of work, money, labour, respect and love. Ask yourself if your husbands work is really worth 5 times more than yours, where that money comes from and what it is about his work that makes it so valuable, also why it is that he got that job over the millions of people who also work hard, long hours, are bright... don't answer them lightly. Really challenge your thinking..... is a stockbroker who trades futures on the price of sugar really adding millions of value to the world when the sugar cane workers earn very little, is their job worth many times the value of a nurse, doctor, surgeon, emergency care worker, road sweeper...
Then ask yourself what you value, in yourself, in your family life, in your work, in your relationship. What do you want in all of those areas.
When you have worked out that your value is not just counted in the amount of money you bring to the household and that his comtribution to the household should not end at a financial contribution, decide what you want to change and how that is going to happen.
If you don't want to cook... outsource it.. if you don't want to take on the mental load of the family / household.. outsource it, don't do it or send it to him to sort it out.
At some stage you may be able to formulate your discussion with him and if your marriage is worth working on, you will find a way forward together. If you can't come to agreement, find ways to live your life the way you want to.... and not in service to another human who does not value your contribution. Teach your children to value humans, not just money.

Can't even call it a 'Humble Brag' as it's not especially humble.

if you’re with someone who doesn’t celebrate your achievements, then you are with the wrong person.

You'd be surprised how common this is. Two people meet in high flying careers. They decide to start a family. Women has babies so high flying career takes a hit in salary progression, man's career continues to progress. Woman returns to work and is still in a high flying career but because her salary rises more slowly because of her maternity leaves and being pushed into the career mummy-track. At home, the man (who did not have to sacrifice his earning potential to add to their family unit) sees her career as subjectively inferior to his and treats her as the default carer and homemaker despite her being objectively successful in her career.

I have a friend who earned almost £200k last year including bonuses. Her husband calls her salary and bonus 'pocket money'. She's so stressed all the time because her husband carries none of the mental load despite their both working similar hours and jobs.

It does seem like a very obvious stealth boast that you have specified almost to the penny a salary which you must be well aware is about four times the national average. Not very classy.

That said, your husband is a dick for putting you down whether you earn £116k or 16p. And as PPs have said you earn enough to leave him so why don't you?

I started a job last year on the best salary I've ever had (35k) after two years training and years of shitty admin jobs. I am extremely proud of myself. DH earns substantially more but that literally has nothing to do with my achievements. Money is not the only measure of success. Very few people earn what your husband supposedly earns no matter how hard they work

If this thread isn’t a windup, with those salaries abd both working full time you need to outsource cooking as well

Everyone should feel valued in their relationship. Just because he earns a lot more, doesn't mean he gets to put you down and not pull his weight. Value does not equal money.

What on earth is keeping you in this relationship?

Does he work in the kind of environment that turns everyone into a jerk? Genuine question - I have seen this evolve over time and people can really change. I would discuss with him sooner rather than later; his attitude is not OK.

Separately, I agree with others that you can afford to outsource anything / everything that is stressing you out. Order more from Gausto if cooking is the issue - that kind of thing.

I’d outsource more. There was a thread recently about a housekeeper/cook role. With your combined income I’d get someone 5 days a week for a few hours each day to clean, household stuff and make an evening meal.

I’m in a simmlar boat. My partner earns 3-5x what I earn. And I absolutely do the lion share of household stuff life admin etc (but I suspect this would be case even if our earning situation was reversed as I think sadly that is the norm

That said, your husband is a dick for putting you down whether you earn £116k or 16p. And as PPs have said you earn enough to leave him so why don't you?

Even if the op didn't earn any salary, her husband should be proud of her and be happy to be her husband!!

Op, why are you not leaving him??

You’re both loaded - pay for the meal prep and tasks. You need to stop stepping up. Stop facilitating this trad wife rubbish.
Couple I know get an agency chef one month for day to make meals from scratch and freeze in portions. Chopped bags of sofrito, individual meals,soup etc
They have grocery shopping weekly and housekeeper/cleaner part time. The housekeeper does laundry, hang it up, stock up fridge, cleaning

Couple I know get an agency chef one month for day to make meals from scratch and freeze in portions. Chopped bags of sofrito, individual meals,soup etc
They have grocery shopping weekly and housekeeper/cleaner part time. The housekeeper does laundry, hang it up, stock up fridge, cleaning

So both them are working full time to basically outsource most of their life? Their childcare, household, cooking etc?

I'd have to absolutely love my job or hate spending time looking after my home and family!!

🤑🤑🤑🤑

And they all seem to be on here.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

🗑

Just count yourself bloody fortunate.

My and DH's combined salaries are way less than yours is.

Kick him into touch around the house though or buy in help.

I’m happy with my little life, when I read things like this.