Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

You don’t have to love your job to hate cooking and cleaning.

If I could afford it I absolutely would have a full time cook and a cleaner twice a week.

I would have a housekeeper to do my life admin and laundry too!

Oh dear -I think this is actually a common problem - men not valuing their wives professional achievements because the man earns so much more than the wife.

OP has had done good advice on this thread to seek counselling and work on her low self worth. By any measure she's doing well professionally - but self esteem comes from within and a big job or big salary won't give it to you -

You have a husband issue.

i earn 2k a month and my partner earns 4k.. i appreciate he works hard and he’s in a lot of danger In his job daily but there’s not a chance on earth id feel bad for my earnings. You still earn!! You could sit at home on his wage and be a house wife if that’s what suited but you don’t you work. Everyone around me has a house a nice car. I don’t but I’m not comparing us it’s just fact and I know I must work harder to get to where I want which I will.

Honestly when I first read this I thought it could be fake and doing it to make regular people feel crap about struggling for money but I don’t believe anyone is sad enough to lie about being treated like shit.

I could never understand the saying that money can’t buy happiness but this poster is the best example of it.

There is absolutely no way I would allow myself to be treated like this.
I would rather struggle on minimum wage than be disrespected in my own home everyday.

If this isn’t genuine, then OP has actually made those of us with normal salaries feel a lot better about our lives because at least we’re not in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like us and sees us as worthless.

I sort of get where you’re coming from but it’s pretty tone deaf to moan about your combined income of over £600k causing you issues. Just get a house keeper?!

My DH is 'brainer' than me,earns far more than me & I generally do more domestic tasks due to the fact he also has more pressure than me to maintain our lifestyle with his earnings. All I feel is extremely proud of him. There are certain things I'm better at like cooking,shopping & organising the home. I'm just as proud of myself & I know he is proud of what I contribute. We wouldn't change a thing.

In a very similar position. I do a supposedly "dream" job that I had to sacrifice a huge amount for in my 20s / 30s, and in any other household, I would be the main breadwinner and supported by my partner. Other people in my role have a household that revolves around the needs of their job. But because my husband out-earns me massively (5x in an average year), I'm also the one picking up the slack. There's a lot you can't outsource. The fact I keep working makes our family life difficult and chaotic and I often feel guilty - like keeping my own career going is an "indulgence". But I worked so hard for it. I would resent it terribly if I gave it up, but equally we can't continue as we are.

If you raise well rounded children who become great adults your success will out do his. Or give something back to your community. I don’t earn f all but I don’t feel like a failure.

Get a housekeeper/cook/laundry service/pa.
Your DH won’t change, concentrate on enjoying your joint million a pound income life.

Oh and btw - I earn 11% of what my Dh does (see? Not hard to sound less dickish) and he tells me regularly how much he values me & my contributions to our lives - your Dh is indeed an idiot for making you feel lesser.

Why feel the need to tell us the actual figures?

I think it is real, posted by someone with zero EQ. I know quite a lot of women like her through my husband (works in finance). They are massively insulated by their wealth, have lots and lots of domestic help and so invent problems such as “my husbands doesn’t appreciate me because he likes me to cook dinner”.

If you raise well rounded children who become great adults your success will out do his. Or give something back to your community

Exactly.

Why are people valuing 'success' as money earned from offering your labour to a company?

Surely raising happy and confident children and/or helping the community are just as valuable, if not more so.

I earn a little less than your husband and am a single parent (f), to two children. I outsource as much as I can and meal prep at the weekend to make life easier for myself.

I think at your level of household income you could afford to outsource more.

In terms of chores & life admin, I don’t think that whoever ‘earns more money’ should do less, but whoever has the more demanding role in terms of - hours, flexibility to work from home, travel, responsibilities, etc.

‘Lowly things like cooking dinner’….. erm, WTF? Unless you’re going to hire a private chef, someone has to do it. I earn a third of what my husband earns but I know my job is more socially worthwhile. Plus I spend more time with the kids and they talk to me in a way they don’t talk to him. Plus we’re a team so it doesn’t matter. 🙄

What’s wrong with objecting to being pushed into a gender role you don’t want?

Are only poor women allowed to object to that?

I would say count your blessings.

Full State pension is £880. a month.

I agree with @Christmasmorale it is a common enough scenario among high earners. High achieving woman seem to almost always attract similar men, there is a reluctance in women to support a man financially and I think an ego issue too where men do not seek out women with more earning capacity. So there are couples who are together with matching high salaries and all is well until babies come along.

It would be interesting to understand OPs background, i know some people from overachieving families where the bar is very high and nothing is ever good enough. I suspect the DH is also from a family like this. When this is how you are raised and your peer group it's hard to see reality.

I think there is a sneery attitude towards the OP here, a bit of inverted snobbery. It's a bit ironic that those laughing at her say in the next breath that money doesn't measure value. Why then focus so much on the OPs financial situation and not on the real issue here?

This has nothing to do with how you much you both earn. It's to do with with your H not valuing and respecting you.

My DH earns well. I currently earn nothing as I have gone back to university to study for a degree. My DH makes me feel like my achievements are amazing and he is proud of me. That's exactly how it should be.

Same here, I earn 200k a week but my husband earns a million pounds a week.
My life is just absolute hell, I'm thinking of starting a go fund me thing to raise money to pay for therapy.

Is your husband James Bond, OP?

Well said. Totally agree on both points.