Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

With your salaries and busy schedules, a full time housekeeper wouldn't be unreasonable.

Fucking hell. I’m sorry but this is absolutely tone deaf. I am a veterinary surgeon and I earn a THIRD of what you do despite working full time. The amount you earn does not decide your worth and I hope to god you are not teaching your children this.

Maybe OP already has this mindset.
We don't have to blame her husband for influencing her.

Wow, I earn a tenth of what you do, do you consider my job “lowly”??? What a dick post.

Oh for fucks sake, give your head a wobble or whatever OP. If you're unhappy you have the resources to leave and if not you can afford help in the house. I just can't muster up an ounce of sympathy.

Your husband sounds like an insufferable prick. Sadly it seems to have rubbed off.

At these kind of salaries you’re obviously both incredibly successful and the difference between the two of you is probably more by luck than judgement.

The good thing is, you can leave him and still be minted! Spend the time that would have otherwise been spent running up his arse getting out into the real world. Hopefully you will realise that there is more to life than money and that a person’s value to the world does not positively correlate with their earnings (probably quite the opposite).

I earn more than DH and he doesn't feel the same way as you do because 1. he's still a high earner and 2. I'm not an arsehole who feels my career is more important just because I earn more.

You have a DH problem. The good news is that you can do something about it and aren't stuck financially.

You've got a few different issues going on here OP.

Firstly, why is your sense of achievement determined by your earnings? I earn way more than DP, but to be honest I've been lucky and I'm a bit of a lazy fucker. I coasted through GCSEs and A-levels, did well and then hit a wall at uni and barely passed because I'd never learned to study. I'm not ambitious at all, stay in jobs too long and don't put the effort in for promotion. Don't get me wrong, I do my job well, but I don't go out of my way to get noticed. However, every time I've been made redundant I've lucked into a much better paid job within a month.

DP on the other hand was bullied hugely in school, barely went as a result and came out with 5 C's at GCSE. However she's worked her arse off ever since and now manages a large supermarket. She has, by any means achieved massively more than me, but our salaries don't show that at all.

Next, why is your sense of self so informed by your husband? Being proud of yourself, of your achievements is nothing to do with him. Yes, it's nice when I achieve something and DP recognises that, but thats not why I do it, I do it because I want to achieve it.

And lastly, unless you're working lots less hours than your husband, why are you doing the bulk of the housework. He doesn't get to treat you like a skivvy just because you earn less. Your job is not less important than his, your not less stressed or busy than he is just because there's a few less digits in your salary. Start telling him to fuck off.

I earn a decent salary (no where near yours) and my partner earns similar to your DH but I am NEVER EVER made to feel I am not successful/ good enough.

In fact, my partner always says I work harder and have two jobs - which actually isn't true as most house hold stuff is either outsourced (cleaner, walker, gardener etc) or we split it (admittedly not 50/50, more like 70/30).

Your DH is using his high salary to lord himself over you, and you are allowing it. That's not how a partnership works - you should both recognise and appreciate what the other one brings to the table. I assume he also makes all of the financial decisions as he brings in the larger share?

Fancy swapping problems?

I know, I know, you're right. It's just hard to feel sorry for someone whose annual household income is more than three times the value of your entire house.

Well isn’t this the most insane fucking humblebrag thread to ever exist.

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.
DH earned 5x that.

ooooooooooo lovely. That's nice for you.
love the "busy job" descriptor. Beats the normal MN job of £150k doing a 25 hour week with a company car and share options.

It’s really sad that you’re unhappy bc your husband belittles you and he doesn’t sound happy either. Surely you should both be planning great places you can go, things you’ll do, a financially secure future for your children.
it sounds quite a toxic atmosphere for your children to grow up in.

I think what you need to realize is that this really has nothing to do with your vs his earnings. It has to do with the fact that he regards it as 'wife work'. Even if you earned the same or even out-earned him him he'd still find a reason why this is 'your job'; he is more 'exhausted' than you, he has a longer or 'harder' commute, his job is 'higher pressure', all the way down to 'you do it so much better'.

And to tell you the truth I would have no time for a man who didn't respect my job, regardless of what I earned. There is dignity in any paid work whether you're the PM or you're a ditch digger. Every job is worth respect.

If you want to solve this by outsourcing even more, fine, you can afford it. But that isn't going to solve the base problem, and that is that he is a misogynistic shit. You're going to be tackling issues around this during your whole marriage from who does the Xmas cards to where shall we be buried. If you want to live like that, fine. But I wouldn't.

What a nice problem to have.

You could employ a live in chef or order in food/ eat in restaurants every day.
Meanwhile there are people struggling to pay for enough to feed their families.

Agree

Why are you focusing on money when your partner treats you like shit and sees you as beneath him?

No way would I put up with this.

You earn an insane amount and you are successful within your own right.
There is nothing tying you to someone who has absolutely no respect for you.

I don’t know anyone who earns as much ad you do but I know people with partners who are SAHP and even they aren’t made to feel ‘less than’.

No way would I let someone treat me like that.

I would like to put something into perspective for you, my DH salary was £130,000 last year and I made £12k working for myself. He never stops talking about my achievements. I would love to earn your salary. Your DH needs to give his head a wobble.

If this is real then you have a dh problem not a career problem.
And until he can also grow and birth dc then he will never be better than you.

I find the OP crass and vulgar. This is an enormous amount of money for the OP to earn let alone her DH. To be discussing how this salary isn’t valued is pretty tone deaf when one considers the fact so many people are struggling financially at the moment.

If this is a genuine problem, then I suggest you both take a sabbatical and do some voluntary work in areas of deprivation to help you readjust your thinking. A person’s value isn’t determined by what they earn and for you and your DH to think like this will not bring you real happiness.

To me success isn't in monetary amount (I'm glad as your income alone is more than our household income).

Success is having a happy relationship, you're blessed with 2 children, you have a place to call home and yous are lucky enough to have excellent paying jobs.

I don't think your husband would treat me lowly if he required a nurse practitioner to assess and treat him or a member of his family. Yes it's a shit wage for the responsibility I have (that's a whole other thread).

This is where the problem lies between you and your husband. You both work full time so how does more lie on you?
I work 30 hours and I admit that most of the housework/mental load etc is onto me and my shift work helps with managing child care.

For the first time ever, I’m not sure if this is a clitwave or a cockwave.😄

But why are both your ‘achievements’ measured purely in earnings?

This!!!!

Are you not even prouder of your achievements of raising a family?

I bet when you look back on your life you'll see what really matters!!

Being smug and virtue signalling is just as bad imo.

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?