Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

Well, I work super hard for the nhs and only earn a tiny fraction of what you earn. You can feel superior to me if it helps OP.

where did I put my teensy weensy violin?

I'm assuming they are both in some aspect of financial services. Unless they're extremely high-end estate agents and he gets more commission than she does.

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom There are a lot of STEM jobs that do pay that much. Lawyers, consultants etc also.

How OP could have been written:

"Last year I was in the very fortunate position of earning a 6 figure salary. Unfortunately DH belittles this as he earns 5x this amount' etc etc

Do you see how this still gets the point across without humble bragging?

WTF. Goes to show that large amounts of money can erode your moral compass.

People worrying about a 'humble brag' just need to fuck off and stop policing other people.

Maybe you should take your own advice?

Nobody is worried about it, and no we don't actually. This is MN, it's literally the point of it.

You have a DH problem not a salary problem.

He doesn't see you as a partner and he doesn't respect you and never will is my take.
If you out earned him he'd probably be really angry and shag the office junior.

You can afford to walk away, just bear that in mind next time he's handing out orders. It's very liberating to be master of your own ship.

I can understand that you're unhappy with your dh despite his high earnings because he’s a twat but what I can’t understand is you feeling sorry for yourself because you only earn £116k! That is what makes your OP so crass.

Worrying? Who’s worried?

Op, what is really sad is that we have come to a point whereby we feel our worth only based on how much money we have or don't have.

That's very sad if people judge their worth on this planet, their one chance at life that's fleeting on their salary.

Exactly !

Humble brag is downplaying it somewhat

And I've noticed she's disappeared

Typical fake MNer

Its baffling because it's not that easy to earn over £100,000. I earn £130,000 and its bloody hard work. My DH earns less and does more in the house and childcare day to day but his job is less demanding. I also have a cleaner. I have to batch cook at a weekend and worry continuously about not having enough time for child. If combined we earned £650,000 I doubt we'd have the time to do anything. The only reason we don't know is because his job means he can do more. I could do no more in my job around the house.

I think this is what people are missing.

To earn this kind of money, our lives are our work. Mine is less intense than DHs, no travel for a start and I WFH, but it still consumes a lot of my time.

We outsource a lot, have full time nanny, dog walker etc., have regular weekend babysitter to give us a bit of a social life or time to get to the gym or just help us with family life, but Monday-Friday is very hectic.

But as an example to my OP when DH thinks I'm "lesser than", we had dinner plans on Saturday with group of friends. Our weekend sitter called in sick last minute and we couldn't find a replacement in time so DH automatically assumed it would be me staying at home with DC and he'd go to the dinner, like forgetting I worked hard all week too and would like a bit of a social life!

That's nothing to do with his earnings, that's him (and society) making you the default parent, because you're the woman.

He a dickhead.

Has he got any good qualities? Like, why are you staying with him?

Honestly, he sounds like a prick. The money exacerbates it all. He's showing a blatant lack of respect which for me is a massive ick

Like others have said, it's not about the money it's about your DH. Proportionally I would say my DH and I are probably the same as you and your DH money wise. I would never even think that I am better or deserve more - he does far far more than me and while I feel grateful, we work as a team. You will never get your DH to agree you are worth the same because he doesn't believe it. There's nothing you can say, no magic bullet. You could give up work tomorrow and he would still denigrate you. You could suddenly earn three times more than him and he would have an issue. It's him. You could try counselling, however he would have to agree. You have to decide whether you can live with a person like this. If he doesn't agree to counselling, you could potentially go yourself to give you the thinking time. Good luck.

So are you saying you think if you earned circa £500k pa he wouldn’t assume these things? If so what would the plan be in this sort of situation?

OP, kindly, it's your DH and not the money that's the issue.

Me and DH are high earners - him more so than me. He does more than me around the house and more with childcare. We both take time off if a kid is sick and nanny can't cover it. We both alternate nights out etc

I'd also really recommend you get a housekeeper during the week and delegate your life admin and all housework to them so you do nothing house wise outside work

Yes it is your DH that is the issue - when do either of you spend time together or as a family. Are you happy with having to keep up with him and his lifestyle

As pp have said, it's not the relative salaries that are the problem. I earn about £46 k in social care management. Dh is the CCO of a large company and earns roughly 6 times as much. We do house and child things equally because we both recognise a) that salary doesn't denote worth, b) we are both out of the house full time no matter what remuneration we get for it (actually he can wfh 2 days a week-I can't, so he is home more), and c) we are a team in all things. Your Dh doesn't seem to have a handle on any of those ideas.

Nothing like a stealth boast of family income on here! 😁

If he thinks your job is easier and should do more at home because he earns more, you might as well go part time. With his salary must be affordable for you to do that