Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

Get a housekeeper to cook or he can

You've just demonstrated part of the problem by telling us you worked very hard. That's great, but there are a lot of people out there working just as hard and only just managing to put food on the table.

Of course high earners are just as entitled to air their problems. But sometimes when high earners post they do come off as if they genuinely don't understand that the playing field isn't level, and think that if someone isn't earning lots they must just not be working hard enough.

If your household income is £700k+ a year - get a housekeeper. A proper one. In Central London they run between £40k-£60k a year (for full time) and will do all of the household chores for you, including cooking, laundry, household errands etc.

You should not be picking up any slack.
Frankly, if he wants to play the big man because he feels so important with his high salary - he should be able to ensure his wife doesn't need to do chores.

Came here to say the same!

@ruethewhirl "You've just demonstrated part of the problem by telling us you worked very hard. That's great, but there are a lot of people out there working just as hard and only just managing to put food on the table.

Of course high earners are just as entitled to air their problems. But sometimes when high earners post they do come off as if they genuinely don't understand that the playing field isn't level, and think that if someone isn't earning lots they must just not be working hard enough."

No YOU have demonstrated you are part of the problem. Stating that a high earner has worked hard does not imply no one else works hard - YOU made that implication. Stating a high earner is deserving of their salary does not mean that everyone is deserving of theirs - you made that judgment.

The OP didn't post asking for an assessment of the financial playing field - you brought that in to discussion.

Get rid of the nanny and spend more time with your children, that would give you something to be proud of

But make sure he does 50% of the housekeeper management.

Because what often happens is you will just have a brand new HR/facilities role managing what the housekeeper should do and how, what happens when they are sick, being the first port of call for all of their questions etc etc

😂
Should she also ensure her husband has a home cooked meal on the table and ensure she looks perky and fresh whilst performing her wifely duties?

I’m on a similar salary OP and my DH also totally out earns me. I’m proud of his success.

But, he never devalues my contribution, or measures my contribution financially. He is always saying how successful I am, how proud he is, he takes every opportunity to make me feel successful (both career wise and with family / hobbies etc) He also shares the household load equally and does more on the weekends as I do more in the week. He never assumes I will be the default parent even if actually I am.

We also have a nanny, housekeeper, gardener etc.

Can both be earning zero in a blink of an eye.. be thankful for being healthy and happy.. but maybe the latter is the thing that you both lacking in your life. More to life than ££££

Oh gosh, no, you should definitely not have to do any cooking. You should have a personal chef!

You don't feel lesser because you earn less.

You feel lesser because your Husband regards you as lesser and treats you as lesser.

You earn enough be live without him. I suggest you do that and watch your confidence and self-esteem soar.

Of you could stay and be a career-successful high earner living with a man who makes you feel like crap.

People are missing the point. Outsourcing yet more of their life won't change the fact that her husband does not respect her.

This is a relationship issue of a husband who does not respect his wife and partner. Its not a practical issue of household management.

There's only one reasonable and sensible solution here. You must sabotage his career in such a way that he will lose his job, become unemployable in his field and be forced to work as a shelf stacker in Aldi.

You will then be earning 5x what he does, and he can see how he likes it.

Be sure to update this thread and let us know how you get on!

🎻

If your husband is sexist but rich, and you don’t want to divorce, use some of the money from your high household income to get a housekeeper. Keep working yourself in case of divorce.

Well, if you equate success to money you earn compared to others, then I would say you have it pretty difficult to feel successful...

I'm in a very similar position to you regarding earnings- DH has always earned far more than me and the only way it affected our relationship is him constantly insisting on paying for everything. I gave up work out of choice to raise our children, which he continues to check I'm ok with. He works long hours and still comes home to put kids to sleep and do the dishes and makes dinner when he can. At the weekend he has the kids and I can do as I please. He insists my role is far more important than his, his is 'just a job'.

Your husband can do the same, no excuses

To know the price of everything, and the value of nothing.

No, her husband should also spend more time with the children. But he won't, just like she won't, because for them that doesn't equal success and is nothing to be proud of 🤷🏻‍♂️

I did, because I considered it relevant and I still do. If that makes me part of the problem in your eyes, that's your prerogative.

Salaries have nothing to do with it...you are married to a knob with a God complex.

On those combined salaries I’d have a cleaner/laundry/ironing person and outsource as much as I could, jobs at that level don’t come without huge stress. Not out of your wage solely though, he should contribute fairly and you should maintain your independence. If he doesn’t agree to discuss it then you have an answer about how he views your other contributions.

I nearly said housekeeper but I have no idea what they cost 😂

I had one of these, except we both earned considerably less than you.

Its not because he earns more than you, it’s because he’s a twat.