Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

You have a DH problem.

What on earth do you mean? She said he earns five times her Salary - so £581,595 per year. How is that not good enough for you????

i have read this post, on my pay day; literally as I am working out every single last penny to get by! It’s made me feel pretty shit about myself. The difference is people’s lives and problems amazes me!

Well actually I meant seven figures, but I guess the sarcasm in that post went over your head.

with this salary income you need to outsource much more. Cooking for example. That’s the only way. He will not change and his job will always come first, also because if he looses his job the impact will be way higher, even if you earn more. That’s why many high flying women leave their jobs when their husbands make so much. The only thing to do to keep your job and don’t drive yourself crazy is literally getting loads of help.

What?

Oh come on. Surely you can see this is an obvious humble brag, “oh no, my DH earns half a mil and I earn over 100k how terrible”.

I know sarcasm doesn’t come over well in writing but puhlease…..

1 You appear to be married to an arse. I imagine you're not a meek doormat at work, to earn that much? Find your business / corporate / leader / sales (whatever) voice and bring it home and use it on him. Find your NO.

2 Your own salary is three times what I earned in my last contract - yours is a fecking DREAM compared to the majority of the population. Stop complaining.

3 If you're pulling that much combined, why on earth are you doing the wifework too? Get help in the house. Cooking, cleaning, gardening, laundry, ironing, food shopping - all of it can be outsourced. Sounds like you'd barely feel a dent. Step away from it and use your money to fund a life you want.

Humble brag?

Bravo, bravo!

And you believe everything you read on here? Seriously?

He needs to contribute or pay to replace his contribution not just pass it all to you - you between you earn an obscene amount of money and can afford to pay people to do the work at home - Nanny, cleaner, gardener even housekeeper (my dream)

You need to have those discussions and get these things in place

Nobody’s worth is measured by earnings, your dh earns more than most is us can dream of yet he doesn’t sound like a nice person. You earn more than I have in 10 years but aren’t happy. There is more to life and worth than figures in the bank. My dh is on 40k, I earn 8k while caring for my disabled son. Neither of us feel the other has more worth, and we pull our weight at home, neither lords it over the other as ‘doing more’ or providing more

500000 is six figures btw as is 100000 - I suspect after tax is interesting but I suspect on 500K he is also bonussed...he needs to pay for the home service he requires

What staff does your family have?

Hey, I have an idea - you can feel proud compared to us all, right? That better?

You have a DH problem and you shouldn’t be made to feel as useless because of your “lower” salary.

What might be happening here is that your DH might have a biased view of life because of his work colleagues and their expectations and behaviours in life. It can be difficult to break the bubble when for all of your working hours you are treated as special and very valued even if you are overworked (this is common at this salary bracket level).

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH to find a bit more balance in your marriage so you feel more valued. I understand it is difficult to raise this with this disparity of salaries but your DH needs to value and be proud of your contributions despite the large amounts of money he earns (my DH earns probably 20% less than yours but I don’t think the thinking on those salaries shifts that much)

And I’m guessing that it was you that arranged that failed babysitter, right? It can’t be you taking all the slack all the time

OP, you earn more than most people can dream of.

Be proud. But also, success means different things to different people. You could be equally as proud with a lower paid job.

Your DH is an asshole.

This must be satire? Why are your “achievements” based on how much you earn? If this ISN’T satire, then you alone are earning significantly more than 99% of the population.

I also really don’t see the correlation between earnings and sense of achievement. I feel a great sense of achievement in my job, quite literally doing life saving work with some of the sickest people in the country. I earn just over 30k before tax.

The question of who picks up the slack at home should be based on how many hours you work/have free, not the figure on the paycheque.

You should both aim to have the same amount of leisure time, and if you don't, something is wrong.

This one didn’t even manage humble.

You earn more than most people so what your husband earns is madness! He is the one making you feel shit, have a chat with him! I earn £25k… husband earns £75k… I work part time and we have one 6yo.. we still share the load!

Yes similar situation

my job is way more valuable to society than my DHs unless you happy with feeding the capitalist machine - something he does acknowledge though and has moved roles recently to seek out more value

I’d query how you late both measuring self worth here and what your shared values are

This.

Your value is not measured by your earnings. Your DH might earn more than you (more than most of us!) but he's is not more valuable than anyone else.

You both seem to be putting too much importance on your salaries. Instead you should be looking to see what needs doing at home, and how you can both achieve this together. If you work shorter hours than he does, then fair enough if you pick up a bit of the slack (but not all of it!). But you need to sit down and work out what is fair between you.

I work part time, and bring in a fraction of what you do -my DH works full time for just over average wage. But I also do voluntary work (which has absolutely no monetary benefit to us), and my DH always picks up the slack on days/evenings when I'm doing the voluntary work, because he knows how much it means to me, and because he understands that there's so much more to a person's value than the salary they earn.

Your DH is an arsehole. It's not normal to treat people as "lesser" based on their salary. Not normal at all and I don't know when you normalised it in your relationship.

Remind him that if he continues along this track and you decide to divorce his sorry, misogynistic ass, he will be paying £££ in maintenance and you won't have to cut up his sandwiches for him anymore.

What a dick.