Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

I’m not sure this thread is serious but…

… IMO this is a problem in ‘high earning’ circles - there’s so much value placed on money, that you never feel you have achieved enough vs the next person with more.

if you can't find contentment in your life when your household income is over half a million then it just goes to show that money in no way buys happiness if you're married do a shitty man.

It's the biscuit. Much more Mumsnetty...

Can’t you just hire staff to help with everything?

I can’t imagine being bothered by something trivial if I was absolutely stinking rich too!

It sounds like your DH has convinced you to tie your worth by how much you each earn - and he's done that purely because, by that measure, he "wins".

But that's a really sad and narrow minded way of looking at life. He needs to broaden his horizons (and politely, you do too if you're falling for the idea that your worth is tied to your salary).

He should be doing equal household tasks regardless of the fact he earns more - you both work full time, so household chores should be split.

Personally though, on those salaries id outsource everything. Get a delivery company to do evening meals, have a cleaner/housekeeper every day who also tidies and does the washing.

Me and DH both have high salaries and we outsource a LOT and anything leftover we split 50/50.

Oh, and he earns more. But he actually considers my job more important because I'm more senior within my (creative) industry. That's what an equal partnership looks like.

Ha!!! I actually laughed out loud at that one!

“My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater”

Greater how? What are you using to measure his (and your) achievements?
Literally only money?

Did he birth your babies? No
Did he carry them for 9 months each? No
Does he keep your house clean? Not as often as you
Do you also earn a high amount to support the family? Yes.

I don’t work (out of the house) at all.
I care for our autistic adult DS & I earn zero money.
I do all cooking, food shopping, laundry, mow the grass, gardening, cleaning and most of the family admin.
Does that mean I’m not worthy? No.
Does it mean I’m lazy? No.
Do I feel unappreciated? No.

It’s all relative.
As a family, you both give different things.
It’s as simple as that.

£500k is keeping her in this relationship 😃

Your DH is a twat. Rather than what you earn, I think hours worked (in or outside the home) should be what counts. And FWIW, I work in the public sector, have a ton of qualifications and responsibility and earn nothing like you do - I would be over the moon with your salary.

Imagine how Lauren Sanchez must feel!

Well, leave your DH then. You earn more than enough to go it alone.

@EaglesWings do you seriously earn around £500,000 a year?

I genuinely didn’t know anyone could even earn that much!!

Are you in the uk?

Your feelings are valid OP. Mumsnet can be horrid if you make more than a bean. Ignore the bollocks and keep exploring how you feel.

If you split up you will be delighted he earns so much, you will probably get more than you are now. I’d consider that.

@Wonderi Do you genuinely not read any financial news, ever? Good grief.

God no!
I couldn’t think of anything more boring!

I was nominated for two Oscars last year but my DH was nominated for 4 so I've been feeling pretty crap tbh

Only nominated? I’m not surprised you feel in the dark.

You can feel proud of your accomplishments irrespective of the remuneration you receive.
I'm a primary school teacher working in an area of significant deprivation ‐my team and I support whole families by necessity through a range of social interventions and community engagement, and achieve outcomes for our pupils which will transform their lives and future mobility. Grown men and women ‐former pupils‐ tap me on the shoulder in town and thank me for stuff I did for them or their family when they were in my class 20 years ago. I earn a fraction of what you make, but still permit myself to feel a little glow of accomplishment. It really isn't about the money, OP. Please don't let your DP feel that way.

Your problem is your dh not your salary. I earn half of what you do and dh around your level yet he is very proud of my career and values my contribution as much as I value his. Either your dh is a dick, belittling you, or you need to work on your self esteem. Do you really only value your career for the salary? If that’s all it is to you maybe look for something more rewarding - your family budget can certainly support retraining.

*"Please don't let your DP make you feel that way."

World's smallest violin

No it is the lack of self-awareness. She'd be complaining if he suggested she re-grout the bathroom whilst he prepared dinner.

OP, while I agree that your original post is tone deaf when so many people are struggling, the fact you have a lot of money sloshing around doesn't take away from the inequality you're experiencing in your marriage. That point seems to be getting lost here, as people are just incensed by the idea that anyone could feel dissatisfied when they have your bank balance. But whatever your income, if you are working full time but being treated as a part timer because you bring in less than your partner, that undeniably sucks.

I think it was a mistake to put the figures in - it does come across like a brag, and I don't think you should be surprised that it's winding people up. Most people can't fathom that much money flowing in, and once they hear that number, they can't see past it. Doesn't make you wrong about the dynamic in your marriage being unfair, though.

I'm in a comparable situation with no family support around. For us, the issue is that both jobs demand a huge amount from us, but because he earns so much more (and in a more stable, reliable industry), it's always my job that needs to play second fiddle. I'm the one who has to break my working day for school run etc, and then to stop my work going down the pan completely, I am often working into the small hours of the morning.

If push came to shove and one job had to go, it would make financial sense for it to be mine. But I have worked as hard as he has (if not harder) to get it, and I like it much more than he likes his. And in the vast majority of relationships, my job would be the breadwinning one - it's way more than most families live off. If my industry was less volatile, we would probably take the massive pay cut and live off mine, but it feels like too much of a risk - I could have a bad year and earn zero. So we continue to white knuckle it, too exhausted and ratty to figure out a better way forward.