DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

You sound lovely OP Is there any chance you have space in the garden for one of those garden room things? I know someone who bought one second hand for a very reasonable price and it's a lovely space for a teen boy. The study sounds more like a cupboard if you can't fit a single bed into it, so not a viable option as a bedroom for those suggesting it.

The eldest is 8.

They’ve got years until he is the same age as DSS and need more privacy.

By then DSS would have moved out or they would have moved to a bigger home/ made changes to the current one.

As your partner will no longer paying maintenance would that money help you move somewhere bigger? Is there any maintenance being paid by his mother or is she getting away scott free of her obligation?

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I know of 2 different families where opposite sex HALF siblings are sharing a room in council housing! What do you think they’re do? Kick them out? They just get extra banding if they’re over crowded , and if they’re not over crowded no extra just because they’re half siblings. Of course half siblings can share a room.

It's very clear that many people on here don't understand trauma. Or children.

OP, I'd split the big bedroom for you and younger children, making a big plywood type screen with a "door" in it - they can decorate the back lego or otherwise style, you almost have privacy.

Not ideal but boys have their space, you have a sitting room. Making your dss feel valued and part of your family unit (as you clearly are) is what he needs. Safe, normal everyday life. I also think you're right that him having involvement and a say is important.

Just because some people HAVE to put up with these situations doesn’t make it right at all

Why are you accommodating a Gaming Space? Everyone is disrupted for gaming?
Dont under estimate how important this is to teens, especially boys. It’s how they spend time together, they aren’t hanging round parks anymore, it’s how they connect and socialise. This will be even more important for someone who has had their life turned upside down

Please all - they rent so they won't be building or extending

Around 310,000 childen are sharing a bed never mind a room in the uk

Sone people have no idea how others have to live

The OP may have thought that by now they could afford a larger home but rents have gone up so much that many families are stuck with too many children in small houses that are all they can afford

Affordable housing in the UK will mean either very strict rent control or just tons more council homes

Loads of my schoolfriends had 3 siblings sharing a bedroom.

@Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone you really need to find a way to move!. Speak to his social worker , they should be able to help you get the bigger place!. The situation is untenable

The study is a cupboard with a desk and a chair!

I agree. He is a 15 year old boy. I would defo not have him sleeping with toddlers, regardless. I would give him the study for starters. If it is temporary can he have your room upstairs? He is likely feeling upset/rejected/like a spare part. Sounds like you may have some simmering resentment too, although I appreciate you are trying to understand him and that does come across. It is not an easy situation. Sit down with him, do a LOT of listening if you can. Perhaps if he feels included in discussion and feels heard he will also feel less out of control and angry?

Teenagers spend a lot of time in their rooms and they (at least mine) always have friends over in the evenings or for sleep overs. It wouldn't work very well with the set-up you have now. They really do need privacy and especially this boy who isn't used to living with you and wasn't even aware of who his dad was until he was 7 or so. He needs to gradually become more comfortable around all of you and in order to do so he needs to be able to retreat and at least sleep on his own.

I think it's completely different if he had been raised in your home and all the kids had always shared, this is a completely new situation for him so I don't think it's comparable with all those "we had 8 kids in a 2 bedroom house" type of situations. This isn't the Waltons, this is most likely traumatised teen who is struggeling and has nowhere else to turn.

Apologies if I’m repeating anything here. I don’t know and don’t want to know what has happened with DSS but it is obviously serious and you are trying to manage it the best you can which is wonderful. I’m sure it isn’t easy and won’t be easy going forward. I’m assuming there is social worker involvement or will be at some stage. It might be worth asking if your local housing department can help with moving to a bigger place and finding out if there are any organisations who can support both him, you and your other children. No advice on the bedroom situation but personally I wouldn’t want him sleeping downstairs. Take care

Hope the chat goes well and you can come to a conclusion that's best for everyone!

I do agree he definitely needs his own space at 15 though and as nice as your intentions were, it was a terrible idea trying to put all 3 of them together in one room.

There’s nothing wrong or ‘not right’ with siblings or half siblings sharing a room.
Only an issue, regardless of half or full siblings if opposite sex and oldest is going through puberty. But all are same sex in OPs situation. This comment was in reply to a ridiculous comment saying it would never be allowed in council housing to share if they’re not fully related. Unless the older boy poses a threat to the younger boys? Not that I’ve seen anything in OP to suggest it, but that’s only circumstance it wouldn’t be okay.
There is 0 issue in OPs situation, except a young man who expects everyone else to suffer at his will!

I missed the renting bit

solidarity from another renter here struggling to make it work

You’re too cold to relate to sorry.

There is no young man in this family, there is however a traumatised child who has needs that aren’t currently being met. People who think a child having their needs met is suffering I would hope they don’t have or work with children.

You can’t just add a conservatory to a rented house and they are expensive

All very good points. There's nothing wrong with him sharing a room with his step brothers. It's not perfect, but if he's warm, safe and cared for, that's what matters.

Because the current situation is all of his father's making, isn't it! He was apparently just one of many possible sperm donors and he has stepped up to support his child as best he can. His mother apparently has failed her son totally.

Its equally clear that many posters don't understand the reality of living in overcrowded housing.

What the boy would get in a foster home is irrelevant (and frankly a parent and step who want him and care enough to be worrying about this vs "own room in temporary care" is an easy choice).

There are five people in this situation and it doesn't help the teen to make everyone else's life difficult to appease one - they are in this together and that is how they need to approach it.

If teen can have the study in the evenings then that still gives him more of his own space than a great many children have growing up.

I hope if my children ever end up with a Step Mum it’s someone as kind and sensible as you OP! I think you’re doing your absolute best by all the children & I hope your step son manages to settle in and make some new friends really soon. I would look for groups locally he could join. Scouts, a gym, a running group, biking. It’s often easier to make friends there rather than in school.

You let him have the small study as a mini sitting room with his pc and all his stuff in and you buy a really good quality sofa bed for the sitting room for him.

Or he has your room and you buy have the sofa bed.

Whatever has happened sounds serious, he is of an age where he is very vulnerable to messing his life up with serious repercussions. I know everyone is saying his GCSE grades but he is the perfect age and with turmoil at home to be targeted for county lines. That’s worse case scenario obviously.