DSS saying hasn’t got enough space in shared bedroom

[Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone]

I’m trying my best to make it work and he’s being really ungrateful.

Me and dp have 2 ds (6 and 8) and dss is 15. 2 bed house (one very large bedroom one smaller that fits a double bed and one chest of drawers). Ds were sharing with 2 single beds in there and when dss stayed which used to be EOW me and dp would have the sofa bed downstairs.

Dss has now moved in with us so I got Ds 6 and 8 a bunkbed, a single bed for dss, a desk for dss, a small cupboard and cleared half the wardrobe so he had space for clothes. Put up 3 shelves for his things and used ikea shelves with storage boxes to partition half the room. It looks really nice. He’s furious . He wants our room as needs ‘privacy and quiet to study’.

My dc only use the room from 8-830pm each night as in the day they play downstairs. I’ve tried really hard to make this work (it was very last min due to an issue with dp ex).

I think it’s ok ? We can’t partition fully as renting. We can’t afford a bigger house so this is the best option. He thinks we should share a room with Ds 6 and 8 as wants his own space.

I don't understand the strength of aversion to the sofa bed. Most adults don't use their bedrooms much during the day do they? Why isn't sofa bed and study dressing room a feasible option?
If OPs DC2 had been a girl, they wouldn't have her share with the 15yo boy would they?

That's ridiculous. OP and her husband also need their own space.

I had to share a room with three much younger sisters till I was 18. I didn't like it but it didn't kill me. Would have loved to see my parents' face if I'd asked for their room.

Hello - there are some really great ideas online about making temporary partitions in bedrooms for teenagers for rented properties. I would suggest that you and DH move into the smaller bedroom so you still have privacy and rest. Then the very large bedroom is partitioned so it has the bunk bed and clothes storage for your boys, and a single bed and clothes storage for your DSS. Then he has the study for homework, gaming, privacy. You sound like you're really doing your best to make this work for everyone.

I think you need to talk to social services and see whether getting in council housing is a solution. It’s not immediate but something needs to be done long term.

I don’t really know what the short term solution is but the poor boy needs a space alone to cry. He’s going to feel a whole range of emotions and he can’t vent them out without privacy. I feel so much for all of you in this situation but somehow the poor child needs some space to retreat alone. The study solution could work for now.

Good luck, OP.

This

DC2 wasn't a girl, that's a hypothetical scenario. The adult couple need comfort and privacy, and I don't see why a teenage boy's wants should over ride that.

What rubbish! The 'mother' chose to put it about a lot and when eventually the father was found he is the only one who has behaved decently towards the child. Do you spout such rubbish about women who have a multitude of children they cannot/will not support?

This is also a good idea.

Because otherwise we might have to think why we as a society have failed to build enough social housing?

Nothing practical to add, but just to say you sound like a lovely step-mum, OP. Obviously, this is horrible for your partner's son, but it's very sweet to see you being so understanding and warm about him. I hope you manage to find a solution.

You sound like a good stepmum OP, well done for trying your best.

As you say, he's acting out from frustration and anger over a situation he can't control with his mum.

Accommodate, but don't let rudeness slide as it will quickly take hold.

As for the gaming, if you believe he needs it, then a good way is to let him do chores for pocket money to sustain it.

A friend's 15 year old is a big gamer who travels for competitions. When he initially started, it was ok, but soon, the costs started adding up.
He was in charge of the dishwasher and taking the recycling out.

Little ones can also have jobs to make it fair. Little things like being incharge of putting stuff away.

Good luck.

Yes, but they would have come up with a solution if she were a girl, so they could now. They were hoping they would get away without providing for the oldest... It's a shame but the adults failed, so they need to compromise imo. They've had years to work this out.

As a fellow stepmum, I think long term you definitely have to move house. Short term, well with all the trauma etc... I think I'd move to the living room. That was going to be when we were in a similar situation (without so much trauma).

Really? It's obvious OP is trying her damnest.

Stop being such a cow. The OP is doing the best she can in a difficult situation.

They've got boys. That's it.
It doesn't sound like they've had "years" to work this out, I doubt they thought the ss would be living with them full time.

Building more council housing wouldn't solve every social problem we have in the UK.

But there isn't any social problem that it wouldn't improve.

Right to buy and lack of investment in social housing has been an unmitigated disaster.

OP I really admire the way you are approaching this; you have understood that his ‘rudeness’ is a result of the situation and you are trying to find an acceptable solution while not being able to magic up another bedroom or a bigger house. I suppose from his initial perspective he did get your room EOW so why would it be different if he moved in full time? I think you have also understood that the way you have made the room look ‘nice’ is great for your younger two but not what a 15 year old needs. I respect that you haven’t told us why he has moved in with you as well. From what we already know, he’s been through a lot.
All you can do is keep communication open, as you are doing. Hopefully he’ll see you are on the same side. He’s probably scared you will both ‘get rid’ of him too.
Good luck.

Why should @Tryingtoaccomodateeveryone and her partner give up their bedrooom for a teenager? to share with two young children? What about their sex life?

The room is partitioned so the teen has visual privacy.
There is a small room to use as a study area.

What are the dimensions of the small study OP?

Parents should always plan to accommodate all their children. Hoping one wont live with you doesn't fly. but whatever, it's too late now, so parents need to be grown ups and compromise.

Ignore all the goady comments on here. Some people don't seem to have read the thread and realised how this situation has come about. You sound a really kind person and your SS is fortunate to have you in his corner.

Just to add, if he keeps a proper bed in the younger boys bedroom, and has the study as his gaming space, see if you can squeeze a sleeping bag/mat in the study too so weekends/holidays when his sleep isn't too important he can have a bit more privacy.

I really think he needs his own room. Either a small bed in the study, or give him the living room with sofa bed after 8pm and you go to your room to watch tv.

or you need to move house to a cheaper location with another bedroom

I agree.

For now, do up the study for just him.
Let him have a lock on it even.

Keep him in the bedroom as is for now and tell him that you will come up with a better solution.

In the meantime, contact the council and look for alternatives.

Having his own space in the study will be a huge thing for him and such a lovely thing to do.
He may not act appreciative right now, but he will be very thankful for it.